I'm home...

I can not begin to express my gratitude for, nor my amazement at, what has happened over the past three days.  Never in my life have I felt so surrounded with love.  This has been the worst three days of my life, and yet, at the same time, it has been three glorious days, full of shekinah glory.

As I prepared to hold my darling daughter to my chest this evening, I was terrified that I would break...literally break...into pieces.  My fears were unjustified.  The hand of God so reached down and touched me, that I was able to sing my sweet angel into heaven.  That peace stayed with my while I bathed her.  It covered me like a deep blanket of snow while I dressed her for the first time.  It kept a smile on my face while we took pictures and I was able to introduce her to her extended families without all those wires and tubes sticking out of her.  You are all responsible for that peace.

God's miracle to me was giving me strength beyond my own.  Endurance that I could never have mustered.  Helping me carry my daughter proudly down long, silent corridors as we approached the gathered family and friends who were singing upon our arrival:

All creatures of our God and King
Lift up your voice and with us sing,
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Thou burning sun with golden beam,
Thou silver moon with softer gleam!

O praise Him! O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Thou rushing wind that art so strong
Ye clouds that sail in Heaven along,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou rising moon, in praise rejoice,
Ye lights of evening, find a voice!

Thou flowing water, pure and clear,
Make music for thy Lord to hear,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou fire so masterful and bright,
That givest man both warmth and light.

Dear mother earth, who day by day
Unfoldest blessings on our way,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
The flowers and fruits that in thee grow,
Let them His glory also show.

And all ye men of tender heart,
Forgiving others, take your part,
O sing ye! Alleluia!
Ye who long pain and sorrow bear,
Praise God and on Him cast your care!

And thou most kind and gentle Death,
Waiting to hush our latest breath,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou leadest home the child of God,
And Christ our Lord the way hath trod.

I am blessed, truly blessed this early morning.

I do realize that dark clouds are on the horizon.  The hurting will not go away, or end, just because today is done.  It's 3:45AM, and Stevie, our 10 year old cat, is wandering around the house crying for his "mommy."  All he knows is that he hasn't seen her in 3 days and misses her.  His simple desire to sit on her lap and enjoy a good scratch brings tears to my eyes.  No matter how hard I try, I know that I can't provide for him what he'd grown to love and desire from Sara.  He sits on the step to the family room, watching me type, and I can the questions in his eyes, "Where is she?  When will she be home?"  He occasionally glances at the back door, as if he expects her to walk in any moment.

This house already feels like a shell, an empty reflection of what it once was.  I've had this same feeling every time I looked at myself in a mirror over the past 3 days.  I just didn't recognize the man who was looking back.  He seemed familiar, but not quite the same as what it felt like he should look like.

The only thing that keeps the dark waters of despair and depression from flooding over me at this time is the levy of Christ's love.  A levy woven from the fabric of your prayers.  While God may not have given me my heart's desire, He has stopped up the floodwaters. He has thrown me a life jackets that keeps me from drowning in the deep pits and pools that Satan would love to pull me down into.

Thank you, one thousand times, one million times, thank you!

O praise Him! O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Sincerely,
Chad Cole

Welcome to miracle Tuesday...

Dear Miranda,

It's me, daddy. I'm not even sure where to begin.

Today is a big day! One way, or another, thousands are praying that God will be glorified through your life. You've had a bigger impact on this world in your 3 short days than some of us have over the course of decades.

Daddy needs to be honest with you, I'm selfish. I don't want to think that your going to be with mommy and Jesus is an option. I want you right here. I don't want to ask God for a miracle, I want to demand one. I want Him to feel like he owes me this.

Your doctors here on Earth have been very kind and compassionate. They've made it clear that there's little more they can do. I appreciate all of their hard work, dedication, and expertise. I've made it clear to them that I'm working with a Physician who has done things they'll never dream of. A Physician who works 24/7. A Physician who will make you whole again, either here or in Heaven. This is where that selfishness comes into play, I want it to be here. I need it to be here.

It's still early in the day. The doctors and nurses are changing shifts, so it's a little chaotic around here right now. I find peace in the tranquil little space by your bed.

You will be surrounded today. Surrounded by family and friends. Surrounded by angels and prayer. Surrounded by God's love and care. But let's be clear, I want to surround you and keep you for myself.

I love you, more than I could have imagined,
Daddy

She who must be admired....

The nursery here at the hospital is quiet right now. Shift change just ended a few minutes ago. I sit here beside "she who must be admired" and wait for our miracle.

The walk to the Holden NICU felt strange this morning. I realized that it's a path thousands of other parents have walked before me, and thousands more will walk after. It's an emotional path to walk, each step bringing you closer to your little loved one. It's hard not to get emotional on a walk like that...but I'm praying that I get to travel that path for many days to come.

Yesterday was a long, hard day. But it was a wonderful day, as well. The neurologists did not have a good report. Medically speaking, Miranda still does not have much, if any brain activity. They are going to do a full EEG today. Miranda spent yesterday surrounded by loving family, some of whom even got a chance to hold her, including me. I can not express in words how much it meant for me to be able to hold my precious little girl.

I have been "accused" of showing extreme courage and fortitude over the past couple of days. Don't be fooled folks, any strength you see is God. I'm so broken on the inside. Waves of despair, pain, and frustration do occasionally break over the levee, but I know that Jesus is there holding the flood back.

Today will be another long day, but I know that Miranda and I will be surrounded by family and love, both figuratively and literally. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above, ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

My heart is broken...

I lost my best friend of over 15 years yesterday.  She was taken from this Earth far too early.  Knowing that she is resting is Jesus loving care doesn't begin to address the emptiness and hurt that I feel today.

MLive News Report about our accident

Article about our daughter

Brown Floral reaction

Our daughter, Miranda Evangelene Cole, was "delivered" at 2:17PM, about 45 minutes after the crash.  She did not have a heart beat.  She was not breathing.  The doctors were able to start her heart and get her on ventalation.  She was then rushed to Mott's Children's Hospital in Ann Arbor, MI.

I fear that our time with Miranda may be short.  I know that hundreds, if not thousands of people are praying for her, and for a miracle, today.  It will take a miracle...

Even with the positives that the doctors keep reporting, the one thing that everything hinges on is brain activity, which Miranda is showing little to none of as we near the 24 hour mark.  The neurologists haven't been in yet, but the pediatric doctors are worried that the neurologists finding won't be any different than their own.

If Miranda doesn't show any improvement by 7:30PM Tuesday evening, it's likely that we'll have to say goodbye to her, too.

I truly appreciate the love that's been expressed to my and Sara's family during this trajedy.  We have felt the touch of angels and yet still find ourselves struggling with the reality of what has happened and what may be yet to come.

My heart is broken, please pray for Miranda.  Please pray for a miracle.  She's a beautiful little girl, and she's fighting, but she needs more help than what the doctors can give her.

Sincerely,
Chad Cole

Kick a meteorologist for me...

Well, here we are...officially in the last month...and there's a huge snow storm on the way.  Let's all cross our fingers and say a prayer and encourage the Lil' Shrimp to wait this one out. I'm of the opinion that there are already enough stories out there about women who went into labor early during the "big storm of whatever year it happened to be." :)

With a little more than 3 weeks to go, I find my mind drifting to the list of things we really should be doing to prepare for the baby's arrival. Hospital bags packed...not yet.  Car seat in place...not yet.  Crib all set up...not yet.

I know it will all get done, so I'm not too worried about it...yet.

We toured the labor and delivery floor at the hospital today.  So, now we know where to go when it's time.  During our tour, I made a joke about the potential for lots of babies being born over the next couple of days, due to the storm rolling in...Linda, our guide, didn't find seem to find much humor in it...not sure why.

With a little more than 4 and a half weeks to go...

OK, which one of you jokers forgot to tell me about how hard it is to pick out a name for your child? :)

We've narrowed our list for both genders down to about 75 name combinations each...

You want something unique, but not dumb.

You want something original, but not "invented."

You want it to sound good when you say it out loud, especially when you have to yell it. :)

You want it to sound important, just in case your little one becomes the President some day.

You don't want the initials to spell out any dirty words.

You don't want to choose something that the other kids will turn into a tease.

You don't want to pick something that will make your teenage child hate you (any more than they already will.)

Our goal is to get it down to 10 options for each sex by the time the big day arrives.  The list get's nicely cut in half once the baby is born.  Hopefully choosing from the remaining 10 will be easy.

"Welcome to the world ?????"

And the winner is...

Well, hello there 2011!  Where did you come from? 2010, we barely knew ye!

What was my favorite memory of 2010?  That easily happened on June 19.  That's the day we found out about our Lil' Shrimp. I realize that everyone who has ever had a baby would probably say the same thing, but I'll always feel like it was extra special for us.

Like so many other couples who have struggled with having children, June 19 started off as a day of defeat.  We'd been trying to have a baby for almost a year and a half.  June 19 was seven days past the normal cut-off for finding out if we were going to get one line or two on that antagonistic little stick.  June 19 was just going to be the confirmation that it hadn't worked.  June 19 was supposed to be the validation for the phone call to the doctor's office on Monday.

Sara could have taken the test any time during that day.  Why put off the inevitable?  We both knew she'd have to do it, no matter what.  But, it's human nature to put off things we find unpleasant though, isn't it?  No one wants to rush into bad news, do they?

To be honest, I don't remember much else about that day.  I just know it was evening.  She had "to go" so she "went."  I wasn't expecting much.  It was the first time I'd had the opportunity to see the results as they appeared and turned it down.  After all, what difference would it have made?  This wasn't really a "test," it was just a compulsory act that the doctors told us had to be done before calling in the bad news on Monday.

When Sara started shouting my name I figured something must be wrong, horribly wrong.  We'd been married almost 14 years at that point, the only time she shouted like that was when she needed help.  As I raced through the house I was thinking, "Weren't things bad enough already? What else could possibly go wrong now?"  I was not expecting excitement.  I was anticipating anxiety. I was not suspecting...surprise!

Two lines...two beautiful...perfect...clearly readable pink lines...that's my best memory of 2010.  You've got big shoes to fill 2011...big shoes...

10...9...8...

63 days, plus or minus a few, and the roller coaster lets go from the top of the big hill! It seems like it was just yesterday that Lil' Shrimp was a pulsing blip in the ultrasound confirming his (or her, we still don't know so there's no need asking or assuming) arrival.

Being December 23, we're in the full swing of Christmas, the end of a year, and the beginning of a new one; which, for many people, brings about a certain amount of sentimental introspection.  This year, I find myself looking forward as much or more than looking back. Looking forward to new life. Looking forward to new experiences, new challenges, and new responsibilities.

I'm finding that the nine months that new parents have to get ready really turns out to be a good thing, mostly from the standpoint of emotional/mental preparation.  This isn't like getting a dog (or cat).  You don't run down to the baby store, pick out the cutest one from the pen, and take it home for a lifetime of happiness and joy.  You can't just take it back when it pees on the floor or poops where/when you don't want it to poop :)

On the baby front, Lil' Shrimp seems to be doing great.  Measuring fine, heart beat sounds fine, moving all the time, etc.  There is less kicking going on these days, but that's expected, since there's less room to move.

As we move into a new year, and I really feel an emphasis on the NEW part of that, I wish you the best.  May God's blessings be upon you.

And in this corner...

Our journey recently took a very surprising turn, but it really doesn't have anything to do with us :)  It turns out our Lil' Shrimp is going to have a local cousin show up on the scene in June.  We're so excited for Aaron and Sarah and that they will quickly be joining us as parents.

My parents are both from Midland.  For many of my childhood years, most of my cousins lived up in the Midland area (about 2 hours away from here.)  We only got to see our cousins (and grandparents) a few times each year, and I have to admit that I was always a little jealous of my cousins who got to see each other (and grandpa's and grandma's) on a more regular basis.

Knowing that our baby will have at least one cousin to grow up with, and that neither set of grandparents lives more than an hour away, really does make the situation all that much more warm and fuzzy.

We've only got about 11 weeks left, give or take a day or two.  The reality of Lil' Shrimp's imminent arrival is starting to hit me harder...when I get time to think about it. Work's still been crazy busy and I sometimes feel like that's distracting from our journey, and not in a positive way.  Working 50 and 60 hour weeks isn't something I'm doing by choice.  The work's there and it needs to get done, but my feelings about that are about to hang a hard left.  I've been chanting a mantra in my head that once Lil' Shrimp gets here, all the extra hours are over.  If my company won't hire enough people to make sure the work is done well, then I guess they'll just have to deal with it not being done well.  We do have a new person who will be starting (not sure when) but experience tells me that even their addition won't be enough to bring our ability to provide quality service up to what I believe to be a realistic level.  The hard part for me is that that seems to be perfectly acceptable in the education industry.

Back to the task at hand, sorry about the tangent...we really haven't done much around the house to prepare for Lil' Shrimp's arrival.  Sara isn't going to be going back to work after Christmas, so I'm sure that will start to change soon.  It's a good thing babies aren't very independently mobile for the first 6 months.  I think it's going to take us that long to really get our house in order and prepared for a mobile child!

We had another doctors appointment today and the old adage that no news is good news applies.  Things seem to be progressing very normally at this point, which is great.  It's hard to believe that by the time we get through the holiday rush we'll be down to 2 months.  Enjoy the holiday season and have a Merry Christmas, I know we're going to try to!

And then there were 13...or 12...or 14...

The last of the monthly doctors visits was today, we're starting every two weeks now, followed too soon by weekly visits and then, WHAM, itza baby!

We seem to have a very hiccupy baby.  Sara was able to identify the crackles when listening to the heartbeat with the flutters she feels on a regular basis and it turns out they're hiccups :)  The super accurate measurements (small tape measure stretched across a growing belly) today show the baby is growing well, maybe too well.  The doctor said our little one is a little ahead of the curve in terms of size and development for 27 weeks (not by much, just a little.)

In other news, we've had our first "what's that poking out of my belly moment."  Sara noticed a "lump" on the side of her belly the other night.  Not sure which part of the baby it was, but it was exciting to realize it was our Lil' Shrimp.

It's hard to believe this chapter will be over in 3 short months and a new chapter begins.