Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Few words...

Dear Sara and Miranda,

I don't have a lot to say tonight. I just miss you.

It's not hard for me to understand the grief of no longer having what I had. It's triggered by all sorts of daily activities. Seeing your car keys on top of the dresser. Looking at the other end of the couch and staring at the empty space beside me. Looking for something to eat and seeing things in the cupboard I know you bought specifically for me and others bought specifically for you. Getting the mail and finding the This Old House magazine you had just started a 3 year subscription to. Seeing the unwrinkled sheets and blankets on your side of the bed when I get up every morning and lay back down every night. Doing laundry and realizing it's all just my clothes, nothing for the baby, nothing for you.

I'm less sure about the grief I feel for the things that I didn't have. The things that should have been but won't be. I didn't expect that grief to be as strong as it is.  Not hearing a baby crying makes the house feel even quieter. Not having a baby seat installed in the truck (or the car) makes driving just about anywhere feel empty. There's no formula or bottles in the cupboards. No crib in the bedroom.

I love you both.  I miss you both.