Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Due...

Dear Sara,

Today was our official due date.  I know how much you didn't want to focus on a specific day, which is why we always just told people "the last week of February."  Of course, if Miranda was anything like you, she probably wouldn't have arrived for another week :)

I went back to work yesterday, just for a few hours in the evening.  It feels a little strange, but comforting at the same time.  At the end of the day, I still have to come home though, to our home, the home which I wish you were still here to be with me in. I'll go back tonight, and tomorrow night, and the night after.  It will eventually feel normal...I hope.

Sometimes I feel bad that I don't cry all day long every day.  But when I do it hurts so bad I can understand why my mind and body won't let it happen more than it does.

The rational part of my mind says there must be some logical reason this happened.  Some reason that God allowed this to happen.  What was coming that would have been worse than this?  That's the only thing that makes sense to me, that somehow God allowed this to spare me, us, from an even greater tragedy farther down the road.  It doesn't provide any comfort for my heart though.

I love you.  I love Miranda.  I miss you both so much, especially today.

Kisses,
Chad

34 comments:

  1. It takes time and you will go back and forth in the grief process.. dont feel like your not "doing it right" it takes alot of time. Getting back to work will probably help you alot.. im so sorry for your loss..

    Devon Davis
    widow to Sgt David Davis KIA 09-19-09

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  2. I am praying for you. I lost a child to SIDS 14 years ago. I understand the overwhelming sadness that you have to keep in check for fear of it becoming "dark". I understand the need for normalcy, yet what really is normal in a situation like this. I cannot imagine losing my best friend as well as my child. My child was enough. Thank God we have God....thank God that he only gives us as much as we can handle....but often I wonder how in the world I have handled even that or why he feels I can handle what I have handled. I know that words don't fix things, but prayer does help....just know that my prayers are being sent your way. Love from a sister in Christ...

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  3. My heart breaks for you....but your beautiful baby and wife are together now and are watching down from heaven....be strong....you are not alone in your pain....we are here to listen.....

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  4. Dearest Chad,
    I have been following your blog ever since Mon Feb 7 when I saw a prayer request for your precious Miranda.

    Great name choice. I had decided at least 15 years beforehand that if I ever had a daughter she would be named Miranda. Now my firstborn child, Miranda will be 22 in May. Don't know how that happened but what an awesome ride. It has just gotten to be a habit to think of you pretty close to when I start my day after getting kids off to school and I remembered the date. So...just know that there are real people, who like you have not forgotten everything just because the funeral has passed.

    Sincerely,
    Debbie Ayala
    Cortez, Colorado

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  5. Posted on FB too, but just wanted again to say thanks and that you will be in my prayers and those of others for a long time. I pray that your memories will help, and that you know that Sara and Miranda are alive in spirit, and will watch over and care for you. God Bless.

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  6. Hello Chad, I have started reading your blog and I wish I had knew what to say.....I'm sorry just doesn't seem like enough. I know we are not to question why some things happen the way they do because its Gods plan but, sometimes its so hard not to ask why??

    I hope you will find peace and comfort in knowing that your wife and daughter are in Gods arms and one day you will be together again.

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  7. Chad, I have been following your journey. I am thinking of you today. My husband and I have agreed that when we get to heaven, we will meet at the tallest tree. I am sure your girls are at your own family's tree, laughing and playing, and in what will be only an instant to them in heaven, you will be there with them. You have a purpose here, but that is not anything you have to determine today. And I promise you from the bottom of my heart, it will get better. Prayers and love to you, today and everyday.

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  8. Chad - My thoughts and prayers are with you at all times. Sara was a beautiful woman & Miranda a beautiful baby. May you find peace.

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  9. Hi Chad...I have been reading your blog ever since the accident. Nothing in my life has ever shook me to the core of my soul like this has. I cannot say I know how you feel...
    I cannot offer any great wisdom or advice.
    The only thing I can offer is my prayers which you are in every day. Your strength (whether you think it or not) has been an inspiration to me. I will continue to follow your journey and think of you everyday.

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  10. Chad, Since I first read your story, I've added praying for you to our nightly bedtime routine. I can't imagine your pain, but I know our God does. I hope that knowing others are praying for you helps just a little.

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  11. Praying for you so much. {{{HUGS}}}

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  12. Chad:

    I have been reading your blog since the accident. Since mutual friends of yours & mine asked for prayers. Though you don't know me from Adam, if I may, your tragedy has touched me and affected me like I cannot even begin to explain. I want you to know that we are praying for you and I hope and pray that in time your broken heart hurts a little less. And know that Sara is in Heaven telling Miranda all about you and that one day you will be a family once again.

    God Bless You!

    Deanna Turner

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  13. I just can't imagine the heartbreak today brings.

    I've commented before, "I know God has big things in store for you"...I guess that's my way of saying God has a very good and righteous reason for this. But no one on this earth has the capability of knowing what that is at this point.

    Thank you for continuing to write on your blog. I hope it's helping you not feel quite so alone.


    "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." --Mother Teresa

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  14. It doesn't seem right that I read your blog but don't comment. I just don't know what to say. I know that nothing I could say could make you feel better. Instead, I'm going to keep praying for you and hope that you find the closer you need.

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  15. Chad,
    I think of you daily and I am not just saying that. My heart breaks for you especially on this day- the due date. If you need anything please let your friends and neighbors of Jackson know :-) Much love, Stefanie Parks

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  16. Hi Chad~

    Because I am a person of semantics, I would like for you to think about this: they are not gone, but they have gone on ahead. They are missing you and they long for the day when you will be reunited for eternity in His eternal love.

    Praying for you today, and every day.

    Kris, SAU Alum

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  17. Chad,
    Like many I have been following your blog since learning about Miranda on FB. I cannot adequately put into words how this has affected me.
    I am struck by your writing and the flow of your words and the skill with which you posess. Keep writing.
    I pray the Holy Spirit will guide you and keep you. You are in my thoughts. God bless you.

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  18. Chad ~ Still praying for your comfort. God Bless!

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  19. Praying for you! Not much else I can say to comfort you during this time but know God is the great comforter and will continue to do so during today, upcoming weeks and months!

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  20. Prayers for you. God is smiling down on you today and every day.

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  21. I read an article and knew today was the day Miranda was due - I hope you find some comfort today knowing you are being uplifted in prayer by so many. I am so very sorry your precious baby and wife are not here with you.

    Last night we had a Bible study and the story of Job was preached on in part. My thoughts immediately went to you and all you have lost. One part of Scripture that stuck out was Job 1:20 "Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped". This was just after he lost all he had as far as his possessions and his beloved children.

    I know without a doubt you must struggle with the "why's" of all of this. I know Job had to as well.

    I have also thought often about how the song, "It is Well With My Soul" was pinned. If you have not heard this, here is a link to read the story behind the lyrics http://www.jameswatkins.com/itiswell.htm

    Your witness is such a huge testimony at the power of the Lord. Thank you for opening up and allowing the world to see God's mighty hand at work.

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  22. Thinking of you today. Praying for comfort and strength.

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  23. I read your words and sob, my heart physically hurting for you and the pain you are feeling. Your daughter is beautiful and how blessed she was to have some time with her Daddy before she went home to her Mommy and Jesus. although I know these words do nothing to ease your pain, I truly am, from the bottom of my heart, sorry for your horrible loss. Life is so unfair at times. I will continue to pray for you and your families!

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  24. Chad, it doesn't even come close in comparison, but I found the due date of our stillborn baby such a hard day. I cried a little, we attended a remembrance service, but I couldn't understand why the world around me carried on as normal.

    We remember you daily, and pray that your grief is comforted in the memories you have of Sara and Miranda, and in the knowledge that you will hold each other again in eternity.

    God bless.

    Susan

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  25. I would like to recommend a book; The Shack. It's a wonderful religious read and will answer some questions you have.

    I'm praying for you.

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  26. Hi Chad,
    I know I have posted this before, but it really rings true to me, and maybe to you to in the trials you are facing and living through....

    "God doesn't give us what we can handle, but He helps us handle what we are given."

    Thinking of you so often and praying for you,
    Sarah

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  27. Hello Chad,

    I would love to give you and your family hugs. As we see ourselves through times of despair it is always easiest to wrap our minds around why. But I would like to say that letting go of these whys are a very important part of healing. You are a hero to me and people that have been touched by your ability to be so raw and honest. You have endured what many could not. And though I believe that I could not endure anything of this magnitude you remind me of the awesome nature of being human. That you have not given up and you can find some peace in the big plan. I believe that things do happen for a reason and you are correct in your thinking from your post. We all have times when we don't understand why someone has been taken from us but if we knew maybe it would take away from the purpose we are truely here for. Your family is beautiful and in moments of of solitude remember that they are in the comforting hands of the Lord and they will always be with you. When my daughter was born she was very ill and I was alone and even though I wasn't raised in church I prayed in the chapel everyday and the comfort I felt was better than any comfort one person could give me. I pray for you now and your family. There will be good things in store for you and thank you for sharing your story.

    Jenifer Soliz
    Tyler, Texas

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  28. Chad,
    You should rename your blog from unsure to "Letters to Sara and Miranda." You pay them such a beautiful tribute when you write about them.
    My heart and prayers go out to you as you try to find "normalcy" in your life.
    Anita

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  29. Such a difficult day that must have been. Please know you are not alone.

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  30. The day I lost my husband I looked around me and thought--"How can these people shop, eat, drink, laugh, talk, share, sleep when my love is in a refrigerator"?

    It's been 10 years now and I still think about it.
    I too looked for the 'widow' box to check.

    I finally had to allow myself to live. At first I had trouble just not crying all day. I allowed myself 30 minutes of crying each hour, and gradually went down to 10, then 5, then I started on happiness. I could have 10, then 15, then 20....
    God is so good. He is so gracious. He alone is my rock. He was then, and He is now.
    You are in our prayers!!

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  31. Chad,
    I'm sure nothing I say can make the pain go away & I am sure with it almost being or has been a year things may have gotten a little better but probably still very hard. Keep both your Angels in your heart... & wear your ring as long as you need to. I hope you are doing well & have family & friends to keep you going.

    Sami

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Thanks,
Chad