Saturday, February 26, 2011

Family movie night...

...just isn't the same without you sitting by my side.

Aaron, Sarah, mom and dad came over and we watched a movie tonight. You would have liked it.  I'd have liked it better if you'd been here.

They've all gone home now and I am listening to music and watching pictures from our photo library scroll across the TV.  You have such a beautiful smile...and I miss it so much.  The tears sting and my throat hurts.  No matter how much I beg I can't go back to that horrible day and change anything.  All I want to do is go back and listen to that little voice in my head that kept saying we shouldn't bother traveling in that unexpected snow storm.

You're not supposed to be in Heaven right now.  You're supposed to be right here, sitting on the couch next to me, holding our newborn daughter and marveling over how beautiful she is.  The flowers on the bookshelf are supposed to be congratulatory not consolatory.  This broken world, enslaved by death, stole you both from me.  The fallen nature of man stepped in and interrupted God's perfect plan for us.  The Hope of the Resurrection seems so far away right now.  What will be a blink in the scope of eternity feels like it will last a thousand lifetimes.

I can't change history, I can only watch it float across my TV screen and hope that someday all those memories will fill me with fond remembrance instead of sadness.

I love you, I miss you.  Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.

Love,
Chad

20 comments:

  1. Slowly but surely the sadness will be replaced with gratitude, sweet memories and they will overpower the sadness.
    I pray that your grief is replaced, in time, with grace. It hurts so much and the more it hurts, the sweeter it was.
    Praying for you to keep on keeping on.

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  2. i know we shouldn't be angry with God. but i'm afraid i am. im angry that this happened to you. i think about you and you're beautiful family all day long, and it just makes me angry. sad, and angry. im so so sorry youre suffering. but there's thousands of us out there that wish they could go back and change it for you. im so sorry!

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  3. God's perfect plan IS happening, as sad as it might seem.

    Prayers and hugs from CO -

    Kath

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  4. Chad, I am @ a loss for words........my heart truly aches for you...seriously.....it feels like I lost someone special and I don't even know you or your beautiful wife....Glad you had some family time w/ those who can help support you because they feel what you feel.
    just know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you,.

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  5. but don't get me wrong. God is still God. and God is still good! http://www.godvine.com/Man-Dying-of-Cancer-Leaves-Behind-an-Unforgettable-Video-258.html

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  6. From the 9:00 a.m. service this morning:

    "Be Still, My Soul"
    by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
    Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

    Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
    Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
    Leave to thy God to order and provide;
    In every change He faithful will remain.
    Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
    Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

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  7. You don't know me, but I am a Believer and Christ-follower and I stumbled across your blog by following a link on another blog. I really don't know what to say, but I needed to write and tell you that your posts have blessed my soul. I wept as I read. I don't know how to encourage you but I deeply desire to. I will be praying for you and I am not just saying that, I mean it. Your testimony of courage to continue to serve God in the midst of pain and grief has humbled me and encouraged me to continue to grow closer to my Savior. Thank you.

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  8. I check your blog often, and feel your sadness through the words you use to try to share a glimpse of what your heart is feeling. I am so deeply moved by your experience, and wish there were words that could ease your despair.

    Know that so many of us are praying for your loved ones, and especially for you.

    With love,

    Laura S.
    Howell, MI.

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  9. I came across your blog today Chad, and although I haven't read it all, I just wanted to send you hugs and let you know I'm around.
    I don't know what it feels like to lose the love of your life, but I do know what it feels like to lose my son.

    x

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  10. Still praying Chad. Every night. I hope you feel all the prayers said for you every day. I hope they give you the strength to go on. I hope you find comfort in the love being showered upon you. I hope you will hang on to your faith. I guess I have just one thing to say to you...I hope

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  11. I saw a post on you and your family on facebook. Just wanted to say that I have been praying for you every day for the past 2 weeks. I can't even imagine your sadness and grief. Know that the prayers of many ( that don't even know you) are storming heaven. I pray you find peace and strength to go on. Be strong my friend.

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  12. I read your blog and pray for you daily, I think I may pray for you more than I pray for my family these days. I cannot even fathom how you are able to get out of bed in the morning. I myself am a Christian and I have never had cause to question God. He has been good to me. He has given me a love like you and Sara had. I cannot imagine not having Eric to hold every night. I am not writing this to upset you, but as a thank you.
    Your blog has made me appreciate my husband more and hug my girls tighter. There are days where it feels like I am going to lose my mind, the kids are fighting, the baby is crying, my husband is late from work, and the house is a mess, and I just want to scream. I think about how happy you would be to listen to Miranda cry or how you would love to hear Sara call and say she is just running late.
    I know that you are hurting and you don't understand, I don't get it either. I know you have said you wished God had chosen another way to move people. I am sorry he didn't. I do thank you for giving me back my appreciation for what I have right here in front of me.
    Praying for you daily!

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  14. Chad,
    I have never experienced the sheer pain that you face every day. There are multitudes of people around the world now praying passionately for you. I hope you read this, and I hope that, when you wake up in each morning, our great God gives you "just enough." Whatever it is for the day, I honestly plead that God will give you "just enough" to keep the broken heart and tearful eyes focused on a plan He still has for you. I read this blog daily and my earnest appreciation of my faith, of God's grace, and of the blessings I overlook is amplified by your testimony here. We're praying... for all your "just enough"'s.

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  15. my heart will be forever broken for you :,(

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  16. my first baby girl died when i was 39 weeks pregnant... such an unimaginable excruciating pain. i cant imagine losing my spouse too... i will be thinking of you and praying for you constantly.

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  17. Sending prayers...half of my children live in Heaven, I have not endured the death of a spouse, but I do know the pain of multiple losses...I take it moment by moment, God sustains in each one. It doesn't mean life is be pain free. First thing I think about when my eyes open each morning is how much I miss the babies I once held in my arms. I hate death. We wait for the day when death will be no more.

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  18. Well, sometimes my life
    Just don't make sense at all
    When the mountains look so big
    And my faith just seems so small

    And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
    It's so hot inside my soul
    I swear there must be blisters on my heart

    So hold me Jesus,
    'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
    You have been King of my glory
    Won't You be my Prince of Peace

    Hold Me Jesus
    Rich Mullins

    Praying for you daily

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  19. God bless you Chad! Every once in a while I come back to your blog to see if you have written anything. I hope you are doing okay. I know what you've lived through will never stop hurting. The sting of the pain might subside a little... but you will always wake up with the knowledge that Sara & Miranda are in heaven and you are not yet there with them. However, I hope and pray that you have (or will someday) find joy again and that you will live with the hope and reassurance that God's promises are real and that you WILL see Sara & Miranda again... and at that time you will never EVER have to say goodbye because your reuniting will be permanent!

    With that said, I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but if you do, I hope you find comfort in knowing that you (and Sara & Miranda) are not forgotten... even by people who've never met you.

    God bless & take care!
    Janna

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Thanks,
Chad