Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Good days and bad days...

Dear Sara,

It's hard for me to believe that it's been almost a month since the accident.  In some ways it seems like it was just yesterday and in others it seems like it was ages ago.  Time plays funny, or not so funny, tricks on the mind during difficult days like these.

Yesterday was a bad least it started out as a bad day.  I think Stevie and I were both missing you more than we had in recent days.  He wandered around the house crying out for you all day long.  I mostly sat on the couch and just cried.  Things got a little better as the day progressed.  I had dinner with my mom and dad and then met Aaron and Sarah in town for some shopping at Best Buy.  It was back to crying when I got home though.  It probably didn't help that I was looking at pictures of you and Miranda when I should have been trying to go to sleep.

Today was different.  I woke up and actually caught myself smiling, for no apparent reason.  Instantly it made me feel sad, but not like yesterday, more along the line of how can I be happy at a time like this.  Stevie has had a better day today, too.  Much less vocal "noise" on his part.  Speaking of Stevie, I think you'd be proud of him.  He's getting used to having people other than us in the house.  Aaron came over tonight and Stevie didn't seem to hardly notice that he was here.  That's a long way from the days when he'd sprint down to the basement as soon as an unfamiliar face showed up.  I was so worried about how he'd react to the baby and having people over to see the baby...apparently he would have handled it just fine.

I love you.  I miss you.  Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.



  1. Chad, I had simlilar feeling when it was one month since our son's accident and death. It felt like there was no way my baby could be away from me for a month, but then it had felt like an eternity. I do think it's because our minds and bodies have been through so much stress and trauma that it just wreaks havoc on your thought process. I am glad to hear today was a good day!!! Do not feel gulity for having those kind of days. Your sweet Sara and Miranda want you to be happy, and so does God. Bless your soul. You take care, okay?

  2. Just wanted to let you know we are still thinking of you and praying for you everyday! We are also making a concentrated effort to "be kind," in honor of the way in which you have explained your wife lived her life!

    -The Hankerds

  3. As time goes on, you will find that there will be more better days. Not because you have forgotten, but because the healing gets stronger and stronger. What I am about to say next may not make sense and I truely appoligize for this...

    I just want to share what seems to help me when I am greiving. I don't believe this is a "good bye", I believe this is "See you later" or "meeting you at a later date" because this is a trip in someways, but a different kind of one. Your wife and daughter are on one trip and you are on another one. Only yours is more like a business trip. Where as Sara and Miranda are on the "Heavenly Cruise". There is a ticket waiting for you when that time is right to meet with your family on the cruise. Just right now, there is a plan/business for you to do here on earth. Although you may or may not know what it is right now, in time you will find that plan has it's meaning. While most of us do not understand the "Why" or "How" God dose what he dose. While I hold true to my faith, I question this all the time, but I know there is a plan for all of us. We just have to trust our faith, spirit, and soul will lead us down the right path no matter how much we dislike the plan.

    I don't know you or the family personally, but all of you are in my thoughts. May you continue to heal and build strength. Thoughts and prayer are with all of you...

  4. Following your story has touched me so deeply. You are on my mind often and when you are, I pray for God to give you strength, peace, comfort and direction. Your Sara sounds like she was a wonderful woman. Your words about her have encouraged me to examine myself and work harder at letting God change certain things about me so those around me will have only good things to say about me. You all have been such an inspiration. God bless, and know that someone is praying for you all the way down in Louisiana!

  5. I know that I am a stranger to you but I want you to know that your blog has both broken my heart and sweetened my soul. Broken my heart for the obvious reasons but my soul is so much more fulfilled seeing such a strong love and passion that you have for your wife and daughter; it is truly a beautiful, beautiful thing to witness. I hope that someday you find peace in whatever definition that is to you. Do not feel bad about having those good days, I'm sure your wife would want you to be happy once again, in a different way than before of course. But, happy nonetheless.

    I pray for you every day and hope that you find yourself smiling more often.


  6. A trip to Best Buy is definitely a good way to help improve a bad day in my book! I think retail therapy is way underrated. :)

    It won't be long before the good days start outnumbering the bad days. Keeping the faith...

  7. You don't know me from Adam, but I'm a fellow PowerSchool User that happened upon your blow from PowerDataSolutions web site posting. I have no idea how you can possibly be holding up, but I know your faith is all that is sustaining you. I encourage you to continue to pour out your hear to God and share his working in your life. Bad things happen in this life, this world is not our final destination, and the pain that happens when those things occur, it's unbelievable. My son (step-son technically) lost his father after Thanksgiving of this past year . . . I know how hard that is for him. I'm praying for you to stay strong and continually seek comfort in God's word.

    2 Corinthians 1
    3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

  8. Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. While reading your blog and your one statement where you woke up today and caught yourself smiling for no apparent reason. I choose to believe that there really was a reason, and I like to think it was because God and your beautiful wife and daughter were with you right then, holding and comforting you. They so want for you to be happy again and soon. My hearts is still heavy for you and your loss. Big hugs and many prayers. Godspeed!

  9. Reading Joanne's comment regarding business trips and Heavenly Cruises made me think of the following.

    After the suicide death of a close friend, two weeks before 9/11, I found myself inconsolable. In my grief I posted a comment, asking for prayer, on an Internet message board. Many people reached out to me with kind words, poems and prayers. One lady sent the parable below. I had never seen or read this poem before. Upon reading the words and comprehending their meaning, a wave of comfort and peace washed over my spirit. Yes, my friend no longer walked on this earth, but his spirit (everything he was) existed, whole and intact in a place, beyond my sight, just over the horizon.

    Parable Of Immortality

    "I am standing upon the seashore.
    A ship at my side spreads her white sails
    to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.
    She is an object of beauty and strength,
    and I stand and watch until at last she hangs
    like a speck of white cloud
    just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other.
    Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'

    Gone where? Gone from my sight ... that is all.
    She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
    as she was when she left my side
    and just as able to bear her load
    of living freight to the place of destination.
    Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
    And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
    'There she goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming
    and their voices ready to take up the glad shouts
    'Here she comes!'"

    Henry Van Dyke

    Grief brings about a wide array of feelings and emotions. There is no right or wrong way to grieve -- no right or wrong feeling. When I was on the grief journey I often remembered the Beatles song, "Let It Be". Continuing to read your words -- praying for you each day -- asking God to show you one tiny daily miracle. May the peace of the Lord be with you always.

  10. I have been following your blog for several weeks now. The first time I read your story my heart was aching for what you have been through. I continue to pray for peace and comfort you. Hold on to the good days some day they will outweigh the bad days. In Christs Love, Nicole

  11. Hoping for peace and comfort for you. I once heard something that was a tremendous comfort to me during a time when I was deeply questioning my faith for various reasons. It basically said that God's promise for us was not for an easy life, but His promise was to always be there to help us through life's hardships. I understand when you say it is only through God that you are holding on. It was the same for me when my beloved mom became gravely ill. I thought I surely would lose my mind with grief when she finally passed, but God made true on his promise and held me through the storm. He will continue to be there for you too. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers!

  12. I have been reading your blog for a while and I have come close to commenting several times, but I never quite knew what to say. What do you say to someone who is living most people's worst nightmare? Is there any way to bring a small piece of comfort to them? I figured just letting you know that another person out there was touched by your family & praying for you certainly wouldn't hurt. I find myself thinking of you often. Wondering how you are coping, how you are picking up the pieces and moving forward. I look forward to reading your blog. You have a real gift for writing & expressing your emotions. I hope writing is helping you cope. I pray that you will once again find true happiness in your life until you can be reunited with Sara & Miranda. Wishing you peace & solace in the days ahead.

  13. I have been reading your blog since seeing it on Facebook. I have been touched by your strength and faith in God. Also I really try and think about not doing to others that I don't want done to me. I know that you don't know me, but my little girl and I pray for you everyday. I hope that God will help the good days outweigh the bad days. Just know that you have another family praying for you and you families. Every night when I put my 5 month old to bed I cry at times just being glad I have her in my life.

  14. Dear Chad,
    Still reading your posts. Still praying for you. Again, thank you for sharing with all of us. Your testament of faith is a message for all of us. Please keep writing.

  15. Dear Chad,

    Like other's that have gone before me, I have been at a loss for what to say to someone so strong and a spiritual mentor to me. I dont know you, but because of our faith feel "brother in Christ" is as close as we are going to meet on this earth. However I wanted you to know that I have been praying for you, sharing your grief, saying Goodbye to your sweet Miranda with you (through FB), and have found myself checking your blog for updates, and praying that you're having more and more "good" days! PLEASE keep posting, we all love you and feel like you're one of our own family. Personally, I find myself spending more time with my girls, being more patient with them and my husband, and even texting my hubby more when he's working (he works nights).... and I do think some of that has to do with your impact on my life. Thank you for being a wake up call and reminder of how much we have been blessed,and not to take it for granted. I'm so sorry that you are a reminder for me, and that you have to walk this path. I to, find myself trying to live the "Be Kind" motto that you've challenged us with!

    Love you, praying for you,
    In HIM

  16. I have been reading your blog since coming across it via a friend, and I just wanted to tell you we're thinking about you and praying that you have peace during all of this.


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