Dear Sara,
It's not as if I, and anyone who has followed our story, haven't been acutely aware of what today is in terms of your passing. Today, Mother Nature seems determined to do her part to try and break me. It snowed. Just like it did on that day 28 days ago. Unpredicted, unexpected, unwanted. Almost four inches fell on a day when everyone thought we were getting ready to be done with snow.
Maybe it's not Mother Nature. Maybe it's Satan trying to stab at my heart. Trying to get me angry at something, at anything, trying to get me to curse God and the natural world he created. Admittedly, I now hate snow. It wouldn't hurt my feelings if it never snowed in Michigan again. I see no beauty in it. I see no wonder, or grace, in it. This isn't just the feeling all Michiganders have about snow at this time of year...I hate snow. Snow is where the buck stops when it comes to you and Miranda not being here. It's the only thing I've been able to get angry about; but, it's a hollow anger, an empty anger, the kind of anger you know doesn't do any good, because it's not about something you can control or change. It's the kind of anger I don't even care to acknowledge. Sorry, Satan...you're the only one I really feel expressible anger towards, and when I see the snow I think of you and what you're responsible for, so stab away.
I put some pictures of you up today. We've never had pictures of ourselves or other family members hanging in the house. That's going to change. I'm ready to see your face around the house, to see your smile when I walk from room to room, to keep them fresh in my mind. I'm ready to stop crying (even though I probably won't, not for a long time) and start smiling when I see you. I want to smile through the tears.
One month. So short. So long.
I love you. I miss you. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.
Love,
Chad
Always keeping you in my thoughts & prayers. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and the tragedy that you suffered. Miranda is safe in her mother's arms.
ReplyDeleteChad, I can relate to that hatred. However mine is swimming pools. Our son drowned last summer. I almost drowned in the ocean as a teen. I HATE POOLS!!! I HATE THE WORD SWIM! I fear swimming pools, and do not ever want to be in or around one again. There...I'm done. I'm sorry you have the reminder of snow surrounding you. Indeed that must be so hard. Bless your heart.
ReplyDeleteI think it's wonderful you have pictures everywhere! One day you will be able to smile at Sara and not shed a tear. But it's okay to cry. Some days I just stare at my Ethan's pictures and cry. But God made those tears, and it's okay to shed them.
Keep writing! You are strong! The Lord is writing through your finger-tips. :o)
Hi Chad, I just recently started following you. I spent hours just reading back on your story. My heart is broken for you over and over. Although I cannot relate to your situation specifically.. at the end of the day.. we're both left empty handed and grief stricken. I'm so glad to see that you have clung to your faith.. I feel that is truly what has helped me get through the most difficult times. I think it's a wonderful things to have pictures to look at! The day Savanna passed away, some friends came to put all her toys and stuff into her room.. but I asked them to leave her pictures. We still have her pictures up, and will continue to. It's a wonderful reminder of the blessing that was bestowed upon us. There are times though where those moments of reminiscing is followed by tear stained cheeks. Like you I got tired of crying.. at some point I told my husband I didn't think I had anymore tears.. I still can't stand the sound of an ambulance without having a panic attack.
ReplyDeleteYour letters to Sara are so beautifully written, and I can feel your heart in your words. Keep writing.. I know it's helped me tremendously and has also been a way for me to go back and see the steps I have taken. The ground still shakes, but not as aggressively, the movie still plays, but not as frequent. Thinking and praying for you.
Chad, As I read your blog, I think about making a comment, but find myself at a loss for words. In my Bible a devotional and a verse seemed to help.
ReplyDeletean excerpt from a devotional by A. Barkman encouraged me to comment " why am I so hesitant in dispensing consolation?...must I first suffer... before I learn the value of ...a mutual tear, a sympathizing heart... Even though I do not know you personally, I dispense that to you, a mutual tear and a sympathizing heart and prayer.
Romans 8:26 also seemed to fit my loss for words for you...We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
Chad. I picked up your blog and started to read. I just want to say how very sorry I am. I hate snow too and rain, sunshine, wind. Everything my son can no longer experience.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.