Monday, December 26, 2011

All in the family...

Dear God,

It's me. Are you there? Are you listening?

The door is closed and locked. The lights are turned off. I'm laying in my bed, listening to all the children playing right outside the door of my room, and my heart hurts more than I can take. I can't leave to join in the family fellowship because my face burns and my eyes sting from the tears. All that's going through my head tonight is, "where is my little girl? Why is my little girl not here?"

Why did you give us the capacity to hurt like this? I've been trying so hard to just cling to the Rock; but, in this moment, right now, all I want is my daughter, sitting on my lap, in her Christmas jammies, her mommy at my side. Why?

Will you be there to help me through these next 3 days? Will you give me the Peace that passes ALL understanding? Will you hug my girls for me?



  1. Such a terribly hard time of year to be missing pieces of your heart. :(

    Praying that you WILL feel God's comforting arms around you this week...

  2. Chad you popped into my mind as I was turning on my computer.......I wonder how Chad is? I am so sorry that you are in such pain, although I knew you would be. All of the "firsts" are so terribly hard. My sister is grieving through the firsts after losing her husband of over 50 years in March......I can't say if your situation or hers is worse. I think of you often and send prayers for God to comfort you, as only He can, and for you to find the peace that passes all understanding. I say these prayers for my sister, also. I pray that you and your family can find the joy of Christ's birth through the pain.
    In Christ

  3. Chad:
    In some small way, may you feel Christ's arms reaching out to you and holding you tight. In my thoughts and Prayers. Judy

  4. My heart is breaking for you. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling and I won't Pretend that I do. All I can say is that I will continue to lift you in prayer. May you feel the loving arms of your father wrapping you tight in His embrace and whispering comfort straight to your heart. God Bless you, Chad.

  5. Praying! Crying tears of pain for you as well. May God show you the peace that only HE can show you! And may you find comfort clinging to the Rock!

  6. Chad,

    I have been praying for you, to have the strength to survive the first Christmas. I can't take away your pain, I can only hope my prayers are heard by God and his warm embrace holds you through.

  7. Chad, I have no words to comfort you. But I do trust He will give you the peace that passeth all understanding. I am pausing to pray after I post this. Indeed this is a difficult time of year, and the "firsts" are terribly difficult. God bless you! I mean that.'s good therapy, and He gave us those tears to cleans our wounds. Thank you for your willingness to share, Chad. (P.S.: Keep asking God why, if that helps. He doesn't mind, and He wants you to be real with Him.)

  8. Praying for you, Sara and Miranda today and every day. I'm so sorry you are feeling such pain.

  9. So sorry, Chad...

    Goodness. I'm so sorry.

  10. oh sweetie i'm so sorry! I've been praying for you daily, but even more so with the holidays here! I came over to check to see how you were doing and my heart shattered in a thousand pieces! You are not alone friend, we are praying for you and lifting you up daily..... I can not imagine what you're going through, but I pray you find some small comfort that you will be with Miranda and Sara some day....

  11. Is. 41:10 - "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

    Even when we do fear or are dismayed, God will uphold us. I'm praying for you. I can't imagine how hard it must be.

  12. My First Christmas in Heaven

    I see the countless
    Christmas trees
    around the world below
    With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
    reflecting on the snow

    The sight is so spectacular,
    please wipe away the tear
    For I am spending Christmas with
    Jesus Christ this year.

    I hear the many Christmas songs
    that people hold so dear
    But the sounds of music can't compare
    with the Christmas choir up here.

    I have no words to tell you,
    the joy their voices bring,
    For it is beyond description,
    to hear the angels sing.

    I know how much you miss me,
    I see the pain inside your heart.
    But I am not so far away,
    We really aren't apart.

    So be happy for me, dear ones,
    You know I hold you dear.
    And be glad I'm spending Christmas
    with Jesus Christ this year.

    I sent you each a special gift,
    from my heavenly home above.
    I sent you each a memory
    of my undying love.

    After all, love is a gift more precious
    than pure gold.
    was always most important
    the stories Jesus told.

    Please love and keep each other,
    my Father said to do.
    I can't count the blessing or love
    has for each of you.

    So have a Merry Christmas and
    Wipe away that tear
    Remember, I am spending Christmas with
    Jesus Christ this year.

    God Bless YOU Chad!

  13. My heart aches for you as I know your arms ache to hold your family again. We all wish we could somehow find the magical words to make it better, but of course, we can't - there are none. Praying for you... for strength, for peace, for the ache to lessen, as it will with time. Time heals all wounds? Not sure about that, but somehow the pain is eventually not so intense. God bless you, Chad, and bring you new hope, strength, courage, in the coming year. I pray that the same Jesus who holds your loved ones will wrap his loving arms around you and cradle you in this time of sorrow and pain. His peace be with you.

  14. Chad, I have no words. I am so sorry. I am praying for you.

  15. Chad~ Holding you close in prayer. May you feel God's {Peace & Strength}...♥

  16. Hi Chad, I don't know you and this is the first post I've ever read of heart breaks for you. I have no words of comfort, but praying that the God of all comfort is very real to you this season.

  17. You do not know me, but I have been touched so much by your story. My heart has been so burdened for you as Christmas time approached. May the God of comfort not just hold your hand, but CARRY you during this time.

    Melody Roberts
    Salisbury, NC

  18. I have to believe HE is holding your daughter in the tightest hug imaginable, your wife as well. Meanwhile, all we can offer you here are our own cyber hugs...which of course we offer.

  19. Dearest Chad,

    He IS there, He is listening. He is protecting your girls and showing them love and joy we cannot even begin to comprehend. It is time for you to open your heart and soul for love again. You may be able to be a big brother, or foster parent to a young child in need of your love and nurturing. I know, you want Miranda and her mommy - and you DESERVE that, but it is not to be. But, all that LOVE and beauty in your soul, can continue to serve and send energy to the other side ... and it will, forever. But you can also love and serve on this side, until you are blessed to go be with them, and with Him. You have inspired me to believe, to continue to move forward, no matter what obstacles are present. You can still move forward. Unlock the door, Chad, and let Love in.

  20. Chad- I am sure god is always holding your angels in heaven close. I can't imagine your pain mine is bad enough with three angel children. You learn how to push through each holiday. I will always keep you in my prayers. Just remember the others on the other side of the door are the ones that can help you get through the difficult moments. I shut everyone out at first now I've learned even if I'm crying my eyes out they are the ones to pick me up and support me and get me through those hard dark moments.

  21. Chad, christmas has passed now and i am just reading this. My heart breaks all over again when i read this. I feel selfish, and perhaps a little guilty that i am surrounded by my young child, the children that get on my last nerves and run me ragged everyday. The children that you have taught me to NOT take for granted. I pray that you find comfort in the up coming months. I find myself thinking back to this time last year, we were a month away from moving out of the mid-west to the west coast and we got caught in a very bad winter storm..........

  22. It has been 9 years since my son River died and 5 years since my son Blaze died. It's just now that I can really accept that I will not understand why God allows us so much pain. I was just looking at my sons photos today with such a great ache in my heart. They changed me forever. They left a mark on my heart that has caused me to become a different person. I often wonder how things would have been if River had lived. That is when all the pain started. I don't like to romanticize death or pain. A lot of people do that and it bothers me. When I think of my sons, I know God used them in my life to show me so many life changing things. How could newborn babies change someone's life so drastically? And then I thought of Jesus. He came as a newborn baby. Christmas is truly the sufferers holiday. Sending prayers. The journey of grief is not for the faint of heart. Thank you for sharing your journey and your strength in God and reliance on Him.

  23. Chad, I don't know you other than reading your words here. I have been thinking of you over the past couple of weeks. I guess God has a nice way to remind me to pray for those who need prayer. I hope you are doing well. I just wanted you to know that i'm just another person praying for you because I have felt the need to. Praying for peace and comfort man! God Bless!

  24. Dear Chad,

    I have been watching the calendar with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. I wanted you to know, that as this first anniversary is coming up, not the anniversary you expected or were looking forward to.... we all are praying for you, for your strength, courage, and hope that as February draws closer, you will feel our loving savior's presense.... and know that you are not alone. I read back on your blog to the early days. I am still deeply touched by Sara's quiet, still message of "Be Kind". She has touched my heart in ways only another mother can.... and you have allowed us to share your milestones and "firsts" with us. I am so sorry that this year has been a year you never dreamed of. I pray that God sends you some "forgotten" memories to cherish this month. Your "friends' and "family" in Christ are here, and you are not alone. We are waiting... watching... and praying!

  25. This is my first comment on your blog even though I stayed up until 2:00am reading the entire thing the night I was sent the link by a mutual friend. I just want you to know that I am so very sorry for your losses and I hope that pulled through the holiday season by the grace of God. May 2012 bring you much peace and comfort. You are a very strong person; remember strength comes from weakness. I will keep you in my prayers. I read a Bible verse yesterday that was pulled from my daily devotional: "Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer." Romans 12:12

    God Bless

  26. Just as I have been doing since the night of the accident, I am praying for you. Not in the same way that I was almost a year ago. Praying for Miranda, praying that those tests were wrong and that the next one will show brain activity. I couldn't get you out of my mind this past holiday season. On Thanksgiving I thought of you, on Christmas Eve, when you should have been filling the "first Christmas" stocking, sitting with Sara and just enjoying the best Christmas present you could ever have....and still I am praying that through all of this you will be able to go on....on, maybe not the way that you wanted or that you planned, but the way God has planned. We never quite understand why he does things, or forces us to endure the pain we do, at least not until we get to Heaven. One day, one day you will have all your answers, and one day you will be able to hug your 2 girls, and that one day will never end, because God has given us the eternal life. Until that day, I will continue to pray for you, and think of you, especially as this VERY difficult anniversary is coming up.
    I pray you will feel his strength and his peace and his comfort.


  27. Chad, I thought of you today and included you in my prayers as I still often do.

  28. Chad, I have been thinking of you so very often. Please know that so many of us still think of you every day and pray for you. I wish I could hug you and let you know you're not alone as you approach this one year anniversary. But this is all I can do, so please know that this is what I'm doing - hugging you from afar and telling you that you're not alone. Many, many prayers and so much love to you during this difficult time. ~Jennifer

  29. Dear Chad,

    Here it is... the last few days/weeks of "Year 1".... and I find myself praying for you ALOT.... and wondering how you're doing.... and lifting you up for our heavenly father to send peace (that passes all understanding.... how fitting are those words?) and Love (greater love hath no man than this... that he lay down his life for his friend.... and in a way, didnt Sara do just that, albeit unknowingly?) and Joy (yes Joy, that even through your pain, God sends you Joy.... in remembering those last few days/weeks with Sara and how happy you were in anticipating of meeting little Miranda "on the outside"). and last but not least his Grace, that as these days wind down.... and you start on year 2.... you see and feel him working in your life. You have touched so many lives. With one simple phrase, Sara's Legacy "BE KIND". You can not imagine in my house how much those words are now used. How much my children hear those words whispered, spoken and yes... even YELLED.... when they are needed around here. When Stephen Curtis Chapman lost his daughter and wrote that song for her.... everytime I smell maple syrup on my little one's face i just take a deep breath, close my eyes.... and choke back tears. Thanking God that I have one more maple syrup kiss.... and everytime I say those words to my self, my children, my legacy... i realize that Sara lives on in me, and i'm a better wife, mom and friend for it.

    STILL praying for you Chad, still loving you from afar... and please know that you are never ever alone.... even in that dark bedroom, on your solitary bike ride, in your classroom, sitting on the couch longing for Sara and Miranda to be at your side.... God has a plan, purpose and desire to show you the life he has for you.... you are not alone!

  30. Chad,

    I said a prayer for you this morning, as I do oh so many mornings. I prayed for you yesterday afternoon as I drove home to Jackson. I prayed for you Saturday afternoon as I headed out on 94 toward the scene of your accident and beyond to my destination. I pray for you on nearly a daily basis. I pray for you the most when I am pacing the floor with a 3 month old who refuses to stop crying and go to sleep because I know you would trade places with me in half a heartbeat to be pacing with Miranda in your arms.

    I hope you never feel as if you and your loss are forgotten, Chad. We hold you near to our hearts and lift you to Jesus more than you may ever know. I pray that this coming Sunday you find yourself surrounded in love by family and friends celebrating Sara's life and your love, and on Wednesday...Oh, Chad...may God give you the strength to look through pictures and remember holding your precious, tiny bundle of perfection.

    Continually praying,


Thank you for reading my blog. Comments must be approved before they are posted. I try to approve comments several times throughout the day.