Dear Sara,
Today was a good, but hard, day. I went grocery shopping. It took me a while to actually get out of the car after I got to the store. It just didn't feel right. I know we very rarely shopped together, but shopping for one just seems wrong.
Your family came over and we spent a lot of time looking through all of your sewing materials. So many projects unfinished. So many more just ideas in your head. The world is a less lovely place without you and your projects.
We finished the night watching a slideshow of all your pictures from my iPhoto library. I cried. Your smile is so beautiful. Your eyes sparkle. I just want to reach out and touch your cheek and kiss those beautiful lips again.
They say there are fives stages of grief. I'm pretty sure I'm still in denial. I can't stop using words like "we" and "us" when I'm speaking in the present tense. There's a voice in the back of my head trying to convince me that you'll be home any minute.
By the way, I don't know if I've mentioned it before or not, but our daughter is beautiful. Of course, I'm sure you know that. You've been able to spend more time with her than I was allowed. I'm more than a little jealous and heart broken over that.
It's been two weeks since you left. I've been so busy it feels like it's been longer. You know how quiet and dull our life was? It's been a rush of appointments, meals, friends and family since then. I haven't had a day go by that I didn't go somewhere, meet up with someone, or have dinner with someone.
My injuries from the accident are healing OK...my heart's not doing as well. It really hurts most of the time. I want to think about the positive side of you being in Heaven, but most of the time I just feel sad that you're gone.
I found a new home for Katu. I feel bad about giving her away, but she and Stevie still hate each other; and, without you here to keep the peace, things were starting to get a little hairy. Stevie's not sure what to think of the gate being down. He's been making tentative forays into the other half of the house, but goes scurrying back to the basement door when he sees me over there. I think the gate being down does help him understand that you're not just on the other side of it ignoring his cries. He's been very quiet since I let him out of the basement this morning. I bought him some wheat grass to nibble on, I figured you might like that.
None of this makes sense to me. I don't understand why God let you get hurt so bad. I still can't find it in my heart to be angry at Him, but that doesn't help me feel any better.
I love you, and I miss you. I'd do anything to hold you in my arms again and it hurts knowing that I won't ever be able to do that on this Earth. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy. Tell her that I love her, too, and wish she was still here.
Love,
Chad
P.S. I hope you don't mind the way I jump from topic to topic. My brain just feels really random right now, like there's not a whole lot of order to anything.
There's not a whole lot of order or sense in anything right now. And thats OK, it's allowed.
ReplyDeleteChad, I'm a friend of Ginny Hannen, and have been praying for you since I first saw news of the accident on TV. I had no idea then that the family involved would be known by anyone I knew, but began praying immediately. The prayers took on more fervor when I discovered the 'connection' to someone I knew, and I was thankful to receive the link to this blog. I feel as if I know you - I'm sure many of us (from all over the world at this writing) - feel that way. And I'm guessing all of us wish we could meet you face to face and give you a warm hug and yes, cry with you as well.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to share a poem that was shared at my father's funeral last July. It was something he kept in a folder for at least 50 years that I'm aware of - and something that I hope can bring you a measure of comfort. Continuing to pray...
Barb Boyd
Death Is Nothing At All
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you,
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort,
Without the ghost of a shadow upon it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just round the corner.
All is well.
-- Henry Scott Holland
Chad my family and I pray for you every night. I pray that God gives you "a peace that passes ALL understanding". Your posts always inspire me and make me cry. I am amazed by your unshaken faith. Cling to God, like you are, He is what will get you through this. You will be able to kiss your wife and hold your baby again......even though it won't seem soon enough!
ReplyDeletePS. It sounds like Sara was a great person!=)
I can't imagine what you're going through, nor do I really want to. My husband lost his first wife and unborn 2nd child (she was 6+ months pregnant with a little girl when she died) back in January 2000. They had gone to school together since 1st or 2nd grade, dated throughout high school and college, and married right out of college. She was diagnosed with Lupus, but they missed the pulmonary hypertension. She had to deliver their first baby 8 weeks early; Blake is almost 13 now, but was only 22 months old when she died; she had a heart attack; the baby was gone, too. Blake was 3 when his dad and I started dating. We now have 2 little girls: one is almost 3, the other is 15 months old. I don't know how else my husband got through what he went through besides his faith in God, but he went through all the emotions you are feeling. I am sure that if you want someone to talk to, he would talk to you. Cling tight to your faith. We are praying for you and your families.
ReplyDeleteStill in my heart and prayers,Chad.
ReplyDeleteRobyn (Rob61)
The Volusia Riders
Hi Chad -
ReplyDeleteI found your story via Facebook.
Sending prayers & healing thoughts from Colorado.
xoxo
Kath
Chad,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. I too married my best friend and have been together for over 15 years and could not imagine what you have endured over the past two weeks. Your wife and daughter are so beautiful. The pictures that you have shared speak a thousand words. As with many people that have commented I too have had a look at my own faith through your experience. I took life for granted and realized again that life is too short to do this. I thank God that you had the time with Sara and that you were able to see your sweet little Miranda but to be honest with you I wanted to you have your selfish moment. I commend you for sharing your blog/pictures with the world and for that I say THANK YOU..... I hope that you continue however if you don't the world will understand. I wish I could just just turn back the clock and make this all go away for you.........
If there is anything that you need- please let us know. I too reside in Jackson and we need to support our friends and neighbors :-)
Much love, thoughts and prayers!!!
Stefanie Parks
Jackson, Michigan
Still thinking of and praying for you. The randomness you are thinking and feeling is very normal. Write away, no matter the randomness. There is hope in the Lord...trust me...it will eventually get better; but the hole in your heart never goes away. But there is hope in Him. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteStill thinking and praying for all of you! What a beautiful letter, and I'm sure that Sara is smiling in Heaven. My prayer is that the Lord will continue to wrap his loving arms around you and hold you in the days, weeks, months and years to come. So glad to hear that you have such wonderful people around to spend time with. Keep clinging strong to the Lord! Keeping you all in my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteHeart breaking for you. Praying for you. Words are too inadequate.
ReplyDeleteChad, all though you don't know me and i don't personally know you... your situation has captured my heart and it aches for you. I can't read a post without crying a river for what you are going through. I wish I could give you a hug. This Sunday morning as I sit here and cry, reading your words...you have really helped to make sense that we all need to stop and smell the roses...to be thankful for what we have right now....and to really appreciate it...as many can relate that we all tend to get caught up in everyday life w/ the hustle and bustle and we don't stop to reflect on what we really have and who we have in our lives.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you and thinking about you daily.
Thank you for opening up and sharing this blog......
Hugs and support from Southern California.
Carrie
I'm so sorry Chad, I'm sure baby Miranda and Sara are looking over you. Please know were all praying for you!
ReplyDeleteDear Chad,
ReplyDeleteI think of you so often and all you have been through and my heart just hurts for you. I wish I could do something to help you or ease your pain or lift your spirits. But, it seems, the most I can do, and the least I can do, is continue to pray for you. If there is ever anything you want from your readers/followers- specific prayer requests, meal requests ( : ) ! ) or anything, please know there are many many people in the area that want to do anything they can to help.
Also, I wanted to share this with you:
"God doesn't give us what we can handle; He helps us handle what we are given."
In Christ,
Sarah Dillon
sschne1@yahoo.com
Laingsburg, MI
Chad - there will be many good but hard days ahead. Just try to remember that you are not alone. So many people are watching your story, reading and crying over your words. We're here if and when you need to talk to other families who have lost family members to truck crashes.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and your parents and Sara's parents as well.
-Dawn King
http://www.trucksafety.org
A Michigan friend just shared your blog with me. I am so very sorry for all that you have lost. Please make no apologies for what you feel, how you react to things, what you need to write. These are very difficult times, I know. Early on I just had to stop answering the phone and the doorbell. I needed some time alone. You may - or may not - but whatever you find you need is ok. God bless you.
ReplyDeletean anonymous commenter on my blog shared your link with me and asked that maybe i could offer some comfort...
ReplyDeletei am a widow. i lost my husband three years ago when we were both 30 years old.
I AM SO SORRY for the loss you have experienced. SO sorry. i just read through your experience over the past couple of weeks and my heart broke for you. as i read your words, i was reliving my own experience of watching them try to save my husband's life... and the news from the doctor that there was nothing more they could do.
in answer to your question in one of your postings... the answer is a resounding YES. it WILL get worse before it gets better. and then it will get better, then worse, then better, then worse. it just depends on the day.
BUT, you are right to cling to the Savior. He is the one who has been my strength through the worst of times in the past three years. He WILL help you through this. and you will come out victorious if you continue to follow Him and come unto Him.
keep writing on your blog as well. it REALLY has helped me, especially in that first year.
my latest posting on my blog has a video that i would love for you to watch. if you are interested, it sure gives me peace and hope when i am having a hard time.
God bless you and keep you.
~ leslie *
http://leslieandaaron.blogspot.com/
Chad, This is Robin Sebalj from SAC. I have been following your story since Saturday evening after the accident. It was completely impossible for me to read your post this evening and not cry. Like you and Sara, my hubby and I live a fairly quiet life. I can't imagine how lonely it is now at home. I am thankful that your days have been busy but at the same time I am sure you would like things to be simple and quiet again. You and your family are in my prayers daily. I have been deeply and profoundly touched by what has happened in your life and continue to share your story with others. Thank you for sharing with all of us.
ReplyDeleteThe stages of grief don't come and go in the set pattern that we read about. They alternate and just when you think you are done with one of them, it comes back again. I am 8.5 months out from losing my baby and I still cycle through them, but they don't hit as hard. Thinking of you....
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your pictures Chad. We all feel your pain in a way. You will see them again....
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY
I still cling to this song and it has been two years since my mom passed. God Bless you! Hang on! Sue
Chad...
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your incredible loss and continue to pray for you. (Even though I am a total stranger to you.) I wish you peace and the strength to face each day.