Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Down the road...

It's going to get worse, before it gets better, isn't it?

I've been able to focus my energies for the past 10 days on areas other than grief.  There have been moments when ignoring it just wasn't possible, but I now find myself standing face to face with that which I've been trying to avoid.

My head tells me that logically, this will pass.  It will take time, but it will pass.  My heart tells me otherwise.  My heart tells me this will last forever.

As people's prayers and support continue to pour in, I often find myself feeling conflicted.  I have received many messages telling me about the great things God has been doing in the lives of others as a result of this tragedy and the things I have written here.  My spirit is uplifted by this, and yet, I find myself wishing that God had chosen a different way to move in these people's lives.  My humanity can't help but wish for the selfish, even in the light of seeing Him Glorified.

We live in a broken world.  A world where God's plan is all to often interrupted by that which does not make sense.  None of what happened on February 5 makes sense in terms of God's plan, or God's will.  I'm too tired to be angry at God.  I'm too weary to ask "why?"  Those things may come in time.  Today all I have is a growing sadness.  A sadness that stems from the brokenness of this world and all that keeps us from truly fulfilling God's plan for our lives.

I thank you all for your continued prayers.

Sincerely,
Chad

66 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your losses and your pain. You are in our thoughts and prayers in upstate NY.

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  2. Chad it is still very fresh for you and I hope in time it will ease for you, I can not even imagine the pain you must be in but know there are alot of people who are thinking of you daily, I had a friend loose a child and the only thing I could do for her was listen so find that person who can sit and listen with out telling you they know how you feel or that it will get better because right now you just need to express your pain.

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  3. Yes, probably. I've grieved deeply but have never lost a child or "other half" to death. Still, I can remember the fear (of what? my worst nightmare is already here . . . ), confusion, lack of concentration, weariness and anxiety that accompany our grief.

    You seem to be a well-spoken thoughtful man who shares his emotions. If you feel the need to share in private, I suggest your local hospice counselor. We have benefited from their services and compassion offered in our time of grief.

    I am sorry that our concern cannot be more tangible in your dark hours. Words will not fill the quiet night hours or the empty house after work, I know. Please still know that we strangers think of you intermittently through the day and send a bit of ourselves to you for strength. You will get through this and believe it or not, someday you will be happy and "yourself" again. Give yourself time and I personally promise to send a good wish every day. I hope one of them reaches you during a dark hour.

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  4. I wanted to let you know that your in my prayers. God has this all handled and He has your Angels right there in His strong arms. Time will heal your sadness, it will be replaced by the wonderful memories you have. Stay Strong...

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  5. Chad...I heard of your tragedy via Facebook and immediately stopped to pray. While I don't understand your individual pain, I wanted to share that we lost our 7 year old son Ethan this past summer in a tragic accident. What you just wrote rings true with how I have felt. I do believe that the pain never goes away. We are forever changed. Give yourself much time to rest. Let Jesus hold you, because only He knows your deep, deep sorrow. My heart is so sad for you. I cannot fathom such a loss, and I have lost my precious son and have hurt so, so much. Grief is very much so unpredictable and complicated and up and down. Trust me...you will see joy once again! I will continue to pray for you. I know you are so very very fresh in your loss...but I wanted to share that GriefShare has helped me so much! www.griefshare.org Many churches offer this 13 week group. It's a safe place to cry, share, be silent, etc. God bless you!

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  6. Chad...one more thing I wanted to share is that your courage to write your feelins on here is so wonderful! The Lord is using your testimony! I too started blogging shortly after losing our son, and it's been very therapeutic. Keep writing as the Lord leads...you're helping so many. God bless you!!!

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  7. Chad, I wish I could tell you that it will get better soon, but we know that is not true. You are living most people's worst nightmares.
    I don't believe that you are being selfish. I believe that you are being human. You are feeling and showing the love for your family. You will always have a hole in your heart and in your life where Sara and Miranda should be. In time your grief will lessen. Your love never will.
    You will start to question God's "plan". You will be angry, you will not understand. But know that God understands these things, and will always be there. Remember, those one set of Footprints is when He carries you. It may seem to go on forever, but God will get you through this.
    Chad, I believe in God. But I am not a "religious person". I have been praying for you and your family and will continue. I hope and pray that you will receive strength from the thousands that are also praying for you.
    Robyn
    Rob 61
    The Volusia Riders

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  8. Chad as I read your blogs my heart breaks for you. I know as much as we know God is in control it is very hard to understand why He does the things He does. I lost my first niece 7 yrs ago, her name was Chloe Elizabeth. Her mama was full term with her and had a perfect pregnancy until the very end. Without warning Chloe's life was ended in her mamas womb. At first I thought God why? What was the purpose for this everyone was so excited for this new life. But as the years have gone on I see His purpose and His work through that tragic experience. And I am happy to say God has since blessed me with 3 nephews a niece and another niece on the way all Chloe's little brothers and sisters. I know our situations are MUCH different and I don't even want to come close to saying I know what your going through because the truth is I don't know exactly what your going through. But I do know God is there and I am so blessed to see how you are leaning on Him for your strength and peace. Always in my prayers----Tracy Nash

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  9. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. What a privilege to lift you and both your and Sara's families up in prayer. Continuing to follow in your journey and pray...
    ~Wendi (A friend of Ken and Theresa Davenport)

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  10. I am one of the many, many people whos life God has touched from the tragendy that has surrounded your life. But more so because of your beautiul girls and your strength and love for them.

    I find myself thinking of you through my day and in the dark hours of the night and hoping that you are okay. I too question why this happened, why God would choose to act in this way for 'the greater good' but I don't know if that is an question that can be answered but I really hope he answers you. Gives you peace.

    I do believe He has amazing things instore for you and that your beautiful Angels will be smiling at the amazing husband, father and man that you are.

    I am so very sad that Miranda couldn't stay, yet I am comforted that she is with her mummy, that she wont grow up having never known her mummy. That they are with God surrounded in love and surrounding you in their love.

    I recently read a post and thought of you and wanted to share it with you. It might not help..maybe it will oneday help you through these dark days.

    Thinking of you and praying still.
    Anna (Australia)


    http://www.danoah.com/2011/02/thousand-roads-through-hell.html

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  11. Chad, you and your family are still held close to our hearts, thoughts, and prayers. My heart still breaks and tears well up, as I think of how you are feeling. None of us know why this tragedy happened, or why any tragedies happen for that matter. Some of these questions will be on a long list to ask when our time finally comes. In the meantime, know that we are all trying our best to "pray you through" this .

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  12. Chad, I am not sure if this veiwpoint helps, but when you say you wish God had not chosen this way to work good in the lives of others, is it possible that God is allowing this to work for good in some way, but did not choose or cause the accident? I do believe that your memories will in the future bring smiles instead of tears. Praying constantly and earnestly for the comfort that only God and time will bring to your growing grief. Our hearts are broken for you and with wishing that we could help you shoulder this load.

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  13. You write beautifully Chad and I hope it's a comfort to you. If it's not now, I think it will be at some point. You are right, it will get worse before it gets better. And I think your grief will both pass AND last forever, if such a thing can be. I know that there are dark moments when the knowledge that tens of thousands of people are thinking of and praying for you means nothing. We can't touch your grief but we are here and we are listening. Hopefully in some moments it does help in some small way.

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  14. Thinking of you, praying for your comfort daily, Chad

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  15. I to have lost a child,my son who was 12 when he passed after 7 years of suffering.He like your wife and daughter touched so many lives.And I like you shared the process with everyone through a church/community newsletter.It was very theraputic for me and helped me share his life.I was often told I should write a book,I tried to but going back and writing about the past was just hard.I thought I would latter but never did.So I am strongley recommending you write a book...please...you are such a great writer and it could help so many.But more important then that the worse fear is that our loved ones will be forgotten and that would be a awesome way to honer. them.You already have your book started use your blog. Its so. good.and continue to use these writings for therapy.You may want to. use it as a way to talk to sara and miranda.I will continue to pray for you.You have a gift share it.Ann

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  16. Heartbreak and grief are so utterly exhausting...depleting...draining. *sigh*

    This is so not fair. I'm so sorry. Wishing you rest...

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  17. I recently went through a loss. Not by death, but another deep deep loss of a child near and dear to me. It was as a result of the broken human systems in our world. What I came to realize, and am adamant to tell people today, is that God did not do this. It was not God's will. God is a loving God and mourns when we cry. Our loving God did not have it in His plan to see you suffer. But, just as the great fall of humanity in the beginning of time, human nature and sinful evil can intercede. And sometimes that railroads God's plan. God's beautiful plan was to see your loving wife and innocent daughter live and thrive. He wanted that, right along with you. But the evil of the world happened, and He is mourning right along with you. The brightest part of all is that they are happier, and it will be but a moment until you are with them again, for a lifetime on earth is but a moment in Heaven. For now, while He is grieving with you, He will shine a light through your loss to bring His love to be glorified. Sounds awful when you're in it and all you want is your life back; I know that feeling all too well. But as the pain lessens some, and you stop being so numb from the blinding loss, you will slowly begin to shine a light brighter than before. If one life is impacted and you are a part of the plan to bring another life to Christ through your story before you are reunited with your wife and daughter, then God's name will be glorified through you.

    For right now, stop expecting anything of you. You will be numb for a while, and the worst is, sadly, yet to come. Once the pain-so-intense-I-can't-feel-a-thing wears off, you will be left with a deep, deep sadness. It will take time for that. It will get worse before it gets better.

    Please, please, please allow yourself time to process and then reach out to a respected grief counselor, one who is Christian and is experienced in profound loss. Don't shut down and do this alone.

    Many, many, many hugs to you. I read about your story online and live in the Saginaw area. I wish I could take it all away for you. Just know that God didn't do this - He mourns with you. God will find a way to bring light through this horrid mess. And as Christians, we have the knowledge that you WILL see them again, very very soon.

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  18. I think of you frequently everyday and have been praying for God's peace to surround you day and night. Much love to you from Alaska.

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  19. It is hard, Chad, I won't deny it. And many times it feels like it is getting harder to deal with rather than easier ~ I don't know who said that time is a great healer, but they were sadly mistaken. What I can say with all certainty is that you get through ~ some days it feels like you only just make it, but God does give you the strength to get from one end of the day to the other.

    Someone else mentioned a counselor ~ Eilidh Beth had been gone for over 3 months before I was ready to see someone but it was a huge help just to sit and cry and say her name.

    Be assured that you are uplifted in prayer by many round the world. God bless you and comfort you.

    Susan

    http://citril.rsg-blogs.co.uk

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  20. Russ and I are still praying for you. Just thought you needed to know that.

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  21. First let me say that you and your family have weighed heavy on my heart since I first heard of all this, and I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to write, but I hope what I say will help in some minute way.

    You will hear people tell you that time heals all wounds - which isn't true - there are some wounds that never heal, they just get easier to deal with as time goes on. There are others that will tell you about the stages of grieving - which yes there are - but that doesn't mean that everyone goes through them, and there's nothing wrong with you if you don't.

    It is okay to feel empty, but don't let it consume you, to feel angry, but don't let it take over. As the days, weeks, months, pass you will experience so many things, and so few out there will understand your pain, but you WILL find that one person - be it family or friend - that will understand, let you scream, cry, throw a fit, or just be silent. They won't ask if you are okay, they will ask how today is and leave it at that.

    I don't understand all of what you are going through, but on May 11, 2010, my husband and I lost our youngest son at 5 months old to SIDS, so that pain I do understand. But even then - not everyone has the same experiences, but we do share that common bond of a broken heart that never will heal.

    You are in our thoughts and our hearts, and as the days go on, we look forward to reading your blog, to know that this day is better than another day, or just to know that you still let yourself feel.

    Stay strong my friend, and know that you have all of us with you, may you always find the strength for tomorrow.

    Kristina Gehring

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  22. Chad,
    You are in my prayers each day. May God comfort and sustain you as you walk through this time of grief.

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  23. Chad - You continue to be in my daily thoughts and prayers.

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  24. Chad,
    Grieve. It's okay. Allow yourself that so human emotion. Grief in itself is a form of worship, showing that we don't understand, can't fix, can't comprehend what's happened. And God's love and mercy is right there with us. He's grieving with you and loving you - today... tomorrow...until the end of time.
    Peace of heart will come.
    You sister in Christ,
    Rachel

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  25. Chad, I'm 24 and I live in Pittsburgh. I read your story online when it happened, and you have been in prayers. You've also inspired me to be a better Christian...the Lord is using you in great ways.
    -Ashley

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  26. So much of what you've written in recent days I can relate to. Walking the hall to Holden, sitting and staring at your baby. The uncomfortable "compliments" about your strength and faith in the Lord...when really what choice do you have but to hold tight while the waters rise and the wind whips around you. I've experienced my share of grief and loss though nothing as profound as this. Both your heart and mind are correct. You will always have heartache and pain for the loss of your wife and daughter. But it will come in waves much like the early grief did. Those waves will become further and further apart. The flood waters will recede the wind will calm, but the scars of the storm will remain, as time passes new growth will come and soften things such is the mercy of our Lord. Still praying for you. R

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  27. I found your blog, unfortunately after the accident. I can not express how sorry I am for your loss. You are being prayed for, coming to your from Nebraska!

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  28. sending you ((hugs)) i understand *exactly* what you are feeling with being too weary to be mad at God, and just trying to make sense of it all. when tragedy strikes like it has to us it forces you to reevaluate everything you once thought, and put everything in your life into perspective. i'm 4 mo out from losing my son, and i still "can't see the forrest from the trees." grief is just all emcompassing and exhausting. and there is no way around it, we just have to go through it. :'(

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  29. Dig - Adam Again

    I had big idea
    I had a lazy eye
    I broke the sacred seal
    I told a lazy lie
    I've had my conscience bent
    I've had my patience tried
    I've been up in the desert
    And down by the riverside

    Will the eagle fly
    If the sky's untrue?
    Do the faithful sigh
    Because they are so few?
    Remember when I cried?
    Remember when you knew?
    Remember that look in your eyes?
    I know I do

    And count the stars to measure tme
    The earth is hard, the treasure fine
    To the sea I'll crawl on my knees

    Feel it coming in
    Feel it going out
    Water covers sand
    Blood covers doubt
    So I begin again
    Again, the healing bow
    There was a time that I might have surrendered
    But not now

    Consult the cards to measure mine
    The earth is hard, but the treasure fine
    At the sea, I'll wait on my knees

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  30. Remember, Chad: our lives are but a hands breadth in eternity. Right now it seems that your separation from Sara and Miranda will last a long time, but in the light of eternity, it is but a blink of time.

    Healing will come...one day...one minute...one breath at a time.

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  31. Chad -

    I don't know you or your family but your story and the lives of Sara and Miranda have been truly inspiring. Sending lots of good thoughts and prayers your way.

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  32. I, too, heard about your story from a friend of a friend. My heart breaks repeatedly when I pray about you and your family. I question my faith when bad things happen to people, no matter if it is me, my friends, those I love or complete strangers...I question why God would allow this to happen, what sort of God would inflict this kind of pain. Then every time I read (and re-read) your blog, I am amazed at how you lean into your faith and use it to lift you out of your despair....and that faith is repeated by so many that comment as well. I pray that he brings you peace.

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  33. My Heart goes out to you Chad, I can't even imagine the pain your going through and I wish I could just take it away for you! When I heard about your story on face book I had to read your story on here and the next few days I couldnt stop thinking about you and my eyes just kept feeling up with tears for you! I kept asking god why ? Why would you take away everything that meant the world to him away Why? I was so angry for you at god but then wondered would god really do that or is it evil that sets in and tries to throw a loop in gods beautiful path? God wants you to be happy I dont think that he would take your happiness away to see you suffer, But i dont know I wish I had the Answers for you , my prayers go out to you sincerely from Candi in Hawaii ..

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  34. I've been reading your blog for the last little while and only just now figured out how to leave a comment (blind or something). I've been praying for you though. My first daughter was stillborn, and while I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around your tragedy, I understand a little of it.

    It took me a few weeks to "wake up" to my grief. I think you're in shock for a while, and then reality starts to sneak in.

    It's been 5 years for me this May, and I still miss her with everything I have. It's quiet most of the time. I can ignore it. But as long as you love, you will miss those who aren't there.

    ((hugs))

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  35. Dear Chad,

    I hope reading the comments on your blog lifts you up. Your Blog came to my attention through Facebook, and I have spent the last couple of hours reading through your entries and the subsequent comments with tears rolling down my face, and an aching heart. Along with thousands of other people I am asking Him, Why? Why do this??
    Sara was very beautiful from the pictures I've seen, and from what you have written this beauty was matched on her inside too. I wish, wish, wish that Miranda could have stayed with you. But she is in the arms of her Mama now, and they are the brightest stars you will see whenever you turn your head to the heavens. My baby daughter was born sleeping at full term in 2009, I felt my heart had broken into a thousand pieces and I would never function again but slowly time has allowed me to carry on. As you said, it is either choose oblivion or cling to the rock. And we have to choose the rock. Sending you love, love, LOVE from England. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  36. I have no words of wisdom to offer no solutions to healing, just a prayer that in time may the Lord calm your heart. Know you are thought of.

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  37. You have been on my mind and heart, Chad. Tom and I continue to pray for you and the family. I know I didn't get to say much to you at the funeral, but know that we are thinking of you every day.

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  38. You and your family are in my prayers. Last February my brother lost his wife of 28 years sudenly leaving him with 4 kids. Watching him this past year has been surreal. Your life is so different now for reasons that you will never understand and I am sorry. Wishing you peace in your heart.

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  39. hang onto what your head "knows" until your heart catches up and believes it!

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  40. Chad, I only hope you are able to continue to write, and possibly like was recommended, since your words are so graceful and eloquent, maybe you can write a book with this journey you are on. It is most amazing, and so many people are inspired by you, and amazed at your creativeness and depth in what you put out with your fingers to the world. So many of us are thinking of you on a daily basis, I started to follow you on Facebook, right after the accident, and prayed and stayed up nearly all night when they took Miranda off life support, hoping to see God's miracle that never came. I have not experienced anything so tragic, but having a death in my family (my dad - in 2008) I found my faith tested, questioned, and reconsidered. I hope some miracles can be provided to you. I will pray for you every single day, and follow you as long as you allow us to. Bless your soul, and Sara and Miranda's, too.

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  41. Chad,

    I only hope you are able to continue to write, and possibly like was recommended, since your words are so graceful and eloquent, maybe you can write a book with this journey you are on. It is most amazing, and so many people are inspired by you, and amazed at your creativeness and depth in what you put out with your fingers to the world. So many of us are thinking of you on a daily basis, I started to follow you on Facebook, right after the accident, and prayed and stayed up nearly all night when they took Miranda off life support, hoping to see God's miracle that never came. I have not experienced anything so tragic, but having a death in my family (my dad - in 2008) I found my faith tested, questioned, and reconsidered. I hope some miracles can be provided to you. I will pray for you every single day, and follow you as long as you allow us to. Bless your soul, and Sara and Miranda's, too.

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  42. I wish I could say-"It will get better soon"---but I know it doesn't. It truly does last forever!! However, it changes with time. I know because on my 30th birthday I watched my husband, bestfriend, soulmate, father of my children, die after several days in a coma. At 30 I was a widow with a 3 year old and a 5 year old. I can tell you several things.
    1. People mean well--but--they say the dumbest things!I learned to smile and nod, but go somewhere else in my mind. I would tell myself "They can say that because they have never experienced this kind of pain and lost." I learned to be glad for them.
    2. God may never answer the "Why?" but He doesn't mind you asking..over...and over...and over again! He just wants you to choose to trust Him anyway!(Over and over and over again)
    3. God can handle your anger! It will not drive Him away! It will only cause Him to pull you up closer to His heart.He truly loves you more than you can imagine!
    Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers!

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  43. Jesus has overcome
    And the grave is overwhelmed
    The victory is won
    He is risen from the dead.

    And I will rise when he calls my name
    No more sorrow, no more pain
    I will rise on eagle's wings
    Before my God fall on my knees
    And rise, I will rise...

    Praying for you every night. You are on my heart.

    Kris

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  44. Sometimes God's plan does not make sense. It may later on down the road, but right now you are lost in grief. The anger and questioning God may come later. I don't think your heart ever gets over the loss, but it does get easier. I think we deal with grief as it comes because dealing with it all at once is just too much to handle. Try to keep yourself busy and lean on your friends and family. That will help. I cannot imagine what you must be going through, but know that people are still praying for God to give you the strengh and courage to handle this. Hang in there. You have two very special angels looking down on you. It is okay to grieve, but don't give up. Your angels would not want you to do that. God bless.

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  45. Praying - and asking others to pray...it's all I know to do...

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  46. Chad,

    Thinking of you in the dark & lonely hours, and reminded of Moses in Exodus 17.... When the Israelites were being attacked by the Amalekites, Moses went to the top of the mountain with Aaron & Hur. As long as he held up his arms, the Israelites were winning. But when he lowered his arms, they would lose. Moses was so tired. So Aaron & Hur held up his arms for him. (Exodus 17: 8-13)

    My prayer for you is that you have others in your life who will help hold up your arms when you are too tired. When you don't have even the strength to have faith, that you can borrow some of theirs.

    Though your blog was never intended for this purpose, through your suffering, you have given others a glimpse as to who you are, and 'whose' you are. Thank you for sharing your journey. I will continue to pray for you, whether you choose to continue the journey in public, or in private.

    Praying for the peace and comfort that only God can provide.

    Jill, Indiana

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  47. Chad, I don't know you or your family, but I have been praying for you every day since I heard about your heartbreaking tragedy. Please know that you will continue to be in my family's prayers.

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  48. Hi Chad,
    Words cannot express the sorrow I feel for you. I am so saddened by the events and understand your desire to have had this experience pass you by. We do not understand why God allows such circumstances such as these happen. We just have to have the faith that if He has allowed it then He will guide us through. Know that all that love you have in you, he has more than that for you. He will stand by you, hold you, and yes, I believe cry with you. God bless you Chad.

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  49. Chad,

    I can not even begin to imagine how you feel & the pain you're going through. All I can say is, I'm so very sorry. You will always remain in my prayers.

    Suzette,
    Tuscaloosa, AL

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  50. Just learned what happened from PowerSchool Data Solution website. Lost my father last year, I share the pain of losing someone you love and care so much with you. You will never be able to forget the sad memories and the pain. It will forever be with you. But what you have to know, instead of constantly grieving, you need to move on with your life. Your wife and daughter would not want to see you wasting your life by grieving of them. It's more than enough to have two beautiful souls died. Don't let the Chad within you to die too. I know it's easier said than done, but eventually time heals. Once you accepted what happened, it's much easier. Please accept my condolences. Thinking of you, Sara, Miranda and all your family.

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  51. You have been on my heart since I heard of your story. I cannot imagine your pain, not even begin to comprehend it. All I can offer is prayers for you in your sorrow.

    I just went back to read a bit of your story before tragedy hit, and it made the depths of this sorrow even more real to me in comprehension. Reading your excitement to know of another baby joining your family as a cousin took me straight back to being pregnant with my own son and hearing the news of my sister in laws pregnancy. I was always jealous of my cousins that lived near to each other as I only saw mine a few times a year and I was so so excited to have a cousin for my little guy nearby. To have all of those little joys just disappear so quickly, I cannot even comprehend your sorrow or pretend to. But, I can tell you, I'll be on my knees in prayer for you today.

    Melissa

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  52. Dear Chad,
    I didn't know that comments could be left on here until just now. Have been praying, I have been in awe of how much The LORD has had me crying out on your behalf. The song left before this ...may it be a great encouragement to you ...you will rise (with Him) ~~I will write more when words come ...for now, just wanted you to know of more prayer coming from Indiana. Num.6:24-26; Rom.15:13; Heb.13:20-21; Jude 24-25; Eph.3:14-21

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  53. Chad I dont know you, but I heard about your loss thru a friend. Just know that every night, I lift you in prayer, and will continue to do so until God tells me to stop. I know all the business after the funeral kept you occupied, and I know that the hard times are going to be when you have to stop. So that is my prayer for you. That in the quiet times, you can cling to God and know that He loves you and is holding on to you for dear life. I have read your posts here and you are a very inspiring man. I loved the way you said you were clinging to The Rock with your fingertips. I keep praying that God strengthen your fingertips, and your hands and arms. I ask that He help you get to the top of the hill and find rest in His arms and love. I will continue to pray for you Chad.
    with love in Christ,
    Missie Graham

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  54. Chad, Like everyone else-I truly wish I could wrap my heart around your pain, and take it away. There is not a day that has gone by, that I do not think of you and what you have already faced- with such profound dignity, grace and appreciation. Your testimony and witnessing to all who read your words have inspired so many people to become better Christians, to put more trust in Him and his plan. I can't explain that day, or the three days after...and I feel certain that there are some dark days ahead for you and your family. But I do know this,He never left your girls' sides, He never left your side, and He will continue to carry you through this journey, and eventually, help the pain lessen. Stay with Him Chad, ask all the questions you need, He will help you find at least some of the answers. BIG Hugs and prayers, Mellissa

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  55. I think of you, Sarah and Miranda often and am praying for you. I lost my baby in June 2010 and I know that it does worse before it gets better. It is hard when there are no distractions and the grief knocks you down into the dark pit repeatedly. Eventually you will start to climb out and will stay out for longer periods. It will take a long time though and it will be hard. You aren't alone, but I know that that brings more comfort sometimes than other times. Sometimes there just is no comfort and the pain is horrible and raw and you think it will never end. Sending you hugs.

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  56. I do not know you but your story has inspired me. There are no words I can say that will bring back your wife and Miranda.

    Please know that God does not wish this on people. It is Satan that causes death, and thats why Jesus died for us, to give eternal life. Keep your head up because some day you will see them again. At least you can look forward to that.

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  57. Chad, Been praying for awhile now, as I heard of your family through a friend on facebook...I won't say I understand what you are feeling because every loss is personal, but I do understand grief. My mother died, not suddenly, but quickly, of cancer in 1997. Every day is a struggle, and I still get angry. But the one thing I learned, and it appears you are experiencing, is grief can't be avoided. I waited to long to grieve for my mother, and had to go through alot of it alone. Please allow yourself to feel, hurt, cry, get mad...and continue to lean on others - that support is Christ on earth carrying you.

    Second, your story has changed my life as well. I won't go into details, and if you choose at a future date you can read my blog on here which explains it more...but your story saved my daughter's life. Perhaps not physically, but we have been struggling for most of her 5 years with behavior problems and bonding - mostly from being a single mom. I had all but given up hope that this life was chosen for me or my daughter, but God spoke to me as I prayed to you. We still struggle, but knowing the alternative has strengthened me as a parent, your example of faith and reliance on God has helped me as a parent. Your blog, even before the accident, touched me and helped me to focus on the great parts of being a parent. I am not thankful for your loss or pain in any way, but I am thankful I was able to read and hear your story. Praying everyday for you and your family! Heidi White

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  58. Chad - You probably don't remember me from SAC (that's okay). But I remember you and your verve for life.
    I also remember watching Sara, although we were never close (we had some classes together). As I walked through depression and anxiety allowing my feelings to rule me life, I looked at her and wished for the kind of peace and calm she lived.
    Thank you for reminding me of that part of her. And for challenging us all to be kind.
    My prayers are with you as you grieve.

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  59. Chad,
    Have you ever heard of or read the book "The Shack." Please look into it, reading your last post about understanding the will of God, and in your asking "why?" made me instantly think how this book I just recently finished could have a great impact on your life. I strongly encourage you to read it!
    ~Lindsey

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  60. Chad,

    I was the one who swapped your phone at Apple yesterday...

    Anyway, you were heavy on my mind the rest of the afternoon with very similar thoughts as everyone else that has been commenting on this blog. And when I realized who you were yesterday, I felt quite a pang of pain for everything you've been through.

    This probably sounds corny, etc...but I have always strongly believed that those who live with the Holy Spirit inside us are connected to each other in a very unique way. I think, yesterday, the pain I felt was not only natural human instinct - but a speck of the pain that God feels for you.

    I heard of your car accident from a friend at NorthRidge Church the day after it happened, and have been following your posts because, more than anything, I know God wanted to open my own eyes. I've been pretty self-pitying for a while. Ungrateful. Ignoring God. Angry at Him for so much. But then I see what you've gone through - and I'm able to understand how God loves us, and though we are put through so much pain, He feels our pain tenfold.

    I know I have absolutely no ability to console you, and I needn't repeat what the others have already said. I just want you to know that I think that (though I know every person is so important in God's eyes) you, Chad, are already, and are going to continue to be someone very important in God's plan. Just as your wife and daughter were. I wish there was more I could do aside from continuing to pray, but I understand there isn't, so praying - of which I haven't done in months - is something I plan to continue to do for you.

    Also, I'm sure you already know the song - but in case you don't and you get a chance, listen to "How He Loves Us" by John Mark McMillan.

    -Meg

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  61. Dear Chad

    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. There is little that I can add to this outpouring of love prayer and support except to say that I echo them. As one of your brothers in Christ I grieve with you and your family.

    I pray that God will give you the stregnth to continue chronicling your story. Reading it will help other men who have shared a similar experience.

    May God continue to comfort you.
    -Kevin

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  62. Chad,
    my heart continues to break for you. As I read your words I find myself weeping for a family that I don't even know. But my heart is moved to pray for you in this season of grieving. My husband, children and I pray for a peace to cover you that can only come from our Savior... the same one that holds both Sara and Miranda right now. I am not sad for them, they are together with Jesus, fully whole and complete. I am however heartbroken for you, the one that is left behind. I can only continue to pray that The Lord gives you strength to make it through another day.

    Blessings to you Chad,
    Katie and family

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  63. Chad, I don't know you well, though you grew up down the street from us. Did not try to speak to you at the visitation, but want you to know that I've been praying for you and your family daily, and will continue. When our daughter died, I started a list of people who have lost a child--you are on it now. It's been almost 2 years, still painful, but bearable. We are part of a great community of suffering around the world. Here is how I see your situation: Sara was ready for Heaven. Miranda has known nothing but joy in her life, and never will know such pain as you are feeling. You are being tested, and you are passing the test. You are becoming wiser and stronger for some deeper ministry God has ahead for you. You may not have the joy of holding your loved ones, but you will have the eternal joy of "bringing many sons to glory." Meanwhile, the SAFMC does have the Griefshare program, and I found it helpful. Praying for you daily, and I promise to continue for years to come.

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  64. Dear Chad,
    I do not know you or your family, same as many that have been following and praying with you. However I just wanted to tell you two things. 1.) You have probably heard this many many times by now, but I am terribly sorry and saddened for you and I will continue to pray for your healing. 2.) This may seem selfish, and however I have (thankfully) never needed to cope with anything close to what you have, in a way I look forward to your posting's because for me, they are both inspirational and eye oppening. I am a mother myself and this has made me treasure every moment I have even more, and altho I consider my self a faithfull person, reading your thoughts and letters has inspired me to be a better servant to God. If you can cope and still have half the loyal faith you seem to have, it puts most of us others to shame. Again I am so sorry for your losses, but thankyou for your inspiration.

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  65. It does get better. My aunt (who lost a child) told me after I lost mine that it got better and I just could not believe it could be true. God/time heals all wounds. It's a rough road to have to travel...I will not lie. Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection...envision yourself there...under his feathers. I pray rest for your weary mind and peace for your soul.

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Thanks,
Chad