I've been able to focus my energies for the past 10 days on areas other than grief. There have been moments when ignoring it just wasn't possible, but I now find myself standing face to face with that which I've been trying to avoid.
My head tells me that logically, this will pass. It will take time, but it will pass. My heart tells me otherwise. My heart tells me this will last forever.
As people's prayers and support continue to pour in, I often find myself feeling conflicted. I have received many messages telling me about the great things God has been doing in the lives of others as a result of this tragedy and the things I have written here. My spirit is uplifted by this, and yet, I find myself wishing that God had chosen a different way to move in these people's lives. My humanity can't help but wish for the selfish, even in the light of seeing Him Glorified.
We live in a broken world. A world where God's plan is all to often interrupted by that which does not make sense. None of what happened on February 5 makes sense in terms of God's plan, or God's will. I'm too tired to be angry at God. I'm too weary to ask "why?" Those things may come in time. Today all I have is a growing sadness. A sadness that stems from the brokenness of this world and all that keeps us from truly fulfilling God's plan for our lives.
I thank you all for your continued prayers.