Friday, March 4, 2011

Early vs late...

Dear Sara,

It's either very early or very late.  I guess it's really a matter of perspective.  Tonight is the first night that I just can't go to sleep.  I'm not even tired.  It's 2:00AM and I haven't come close to sleeping since I first tried almost 3 hours ago.  Maybe all the sleep I have been getting has finally caught up with me.  I'm not sure, but it presents another opportunity to talk to you through this keyboard.

My reading today (yesterday, actually) sparked a flame to a thought that's been wandering around my mind since your funeral.  I'm still trying to flesh it all the way out.  The reading talked about the phrase "it must have been God's will" or "it must have been God's plan" (is there a difference?...different argument, different day.)  It's something people say all to frequently to those who are grieving, and I've probably said it myself, but I'm not sure it's really the truth. I think it's a half truth we say more to protect ourselves and avoid awkward conversation than to actually provide comfort to the grieving.

I wonder, as Christians, if we've managed to confuse God's omniscience with God's will/plan.  I don't believe that this was God's plan for you, for Miranda, or for me.  I have a hard time believing I'll ever think that.  I believe God knew it would happen, but that doesn't mean it was His plan or His will.  I think Pastor Mark really was onto something in his message at your memorial service.

The Word tells us that God has plans to prosper us and not to harm us.  This is a message that is repeated throughout the Word.  However, we also read that bad things will happen to good people and good things will happen to bad people.  And then there's Death.  Death was never part of God's plan.  Death entered this world as the result of sin.  God's plan was for a perfect eternal communion between Himself and the man (and woman) He created in His own image.  Sin, the harbinger of death, interrupted that plan.

The story of Lazarus, in John 11, contains the shortest verse in the Bible, "Jesus wept."  The story around it tells us that Jesus was so moved by Mary and Martha's weeping for their brother that he himself wept.  I wonder if there wasn't more to it?  I wonder if Jesus' tears were partly in recognition that the sacrifice he was soon to make, while providing us with a means to reach the Father, wouldn't be enough to take away the pain of death? That until He comes again, until death is defeated, that His children will have to suffer the pain of loss and grief.  That even with the hope of the resurrection, we will still hurt when those we love are taken from us, especially when it feels premature.  I think Jesus weeping was a lot more complex than the situation.

I don't know, maybe I'm completely off track with this line of thinking.  I know God has a plan for us.  But I think that that plan gets distorted and broken because we live in a broken world.  That doesn't mean He stops caring.  That doesn't mean He doesn't weep with us.  I think it just means we have to rely on Him to heal us, and help us get to the end of the race, to that place where His perfect plan can no longer be derailed by the broken world we leave behind.

"Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."
Civilla D. Martin - Matthew 10:29-31

I wonder if this doesn't help explain why Jesus wept.  He watches us so closely, cares about us so much, that the pain of our loss, my loss, affects Him just as deeply as it does us/me.  Did he weep because he knows this wasn't the plan?

I'm starting to feel like sleep my finally be on its way for me.  I hope my rambling makes a little bit of sense.

I love you.  I miss you.  Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.

Love, 
Chad

24 comments:

  1. I couldn't sleep tonight either.....must have been from that 2 hour nap I took today (been a sick all week) I got tired of laying in bed and decided to heat up some sleepy time tea to see if that would help....I know what you mean about the whole "gods will", "god's plan." I suffered my first miscarriage almost 4 years ago and I kept telling myself...that it must have been "gods will"....I think I just kept telling myself that to help me through the grieving and I needed something to justify why I lost my baby. After awhile...it just didn't seem like the appropriate answer. I found MORE peace in the fact that...the baby wasn't meant to be and it wasn't a healthy pregnancy and THAT is why I lost my baby. To help me through the grieving process I decided to get a memorial tattoo... originally it was going to say "God's will" but one night while searching support groups for pregnancy loss...I came across a saying "My forever child" and that was it...that was the memorial tattoo I was going to have....with those exact words. I designed my tattoo w/ a support ribbon of colors pink and blue (stands for pregnancy loss) w/ cherub wings and @ the top in a banner...it says "My forever Child" it felt right....and I was able to close that chapter of my life. (which was actually a year later when I got the tattoo) Unfortunately...I will need to add "ren" to the end of the child...because I lost another baby this past Nov.
    Sorry, for rambling myself.....
    Hope you got some sleep tonight.
    Thank you for sharing your feelings w/ us. You have so much love and support out there...ppl that you don't even know (like myself) I can't begin to comprehend what you are going through...I will continue to pray for you on a daily basis.

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  2. That is beautiful and so right on. Something for all of us to really think about. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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  3. I think you're right on here, Chad. Profound thoughts. And I love this hymn. Except I would change the words "I sing because I'm happy" to I sing because I'm joyful." Our happiness is so fleeting and depends so much on our circumstances. Joy comes from knowing and loving the God who loves us and shares our joys and sorrows. God bless you.

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  4. I believe what you are saying is true. It is God's will or God's plan for children and good people to die so soon. With Job, it was not his will that Job be hurt or anything happen to his family, all he said was not to kill him and Satan did the rest. Satan is the ruler of this world, and his plan is to create confusion and take focus away from God. Satan is the author of confusion. If he can't then he loses and he does not want to lose.

    People say when tragedy strikes, "Where is God?" "How could he let this happen?" and Satan wants that, he wants people to say, "well if this can happen, there must be no God!". In death there is peace from the world and from Satan. The next moment for the dead in Christ will be with God at the resurrection.

    God's ultimate plan is for us to be in his Kingdom and to look toward a day when there are no more tears. I look forward to that day and when my mother will be able to hold my sister again and for you to be with your wife holding your daughter again.

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  5. very profound...and i think you are right. i have had similar thoughts in the last year after losing my dad.

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  6. Hi Chad. I've been following your blog ever since I heard about the prayer circle for Miranda. My heart aches for your loss. I have two children and I ask myself how I got so lucky. Life is so fragile.

    I'm not a Christian (I'm Jewish) but your words ring so true it's hard to think they mean anything other than exactly what you've explained. I don't know if it was God's plan or will to take your family but I know that you will be forever changed by what happened. Maybe, instead, it was God's will to put you in a position to touch so many other people. To put you in that position your wife and baby had to be taken from you but maybe there is an answer in all of this...

    I don't know what I would do in your shoes. I don't know how I could keep on living. But the fact that you are pushing ahead gives me strength to know that I could maybe do the same if I had to.

    God bless you and your family Chad

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  7. I completely agree, especially with your paragraph on God having a plan for us. But now I am wondering now if he is weeping that Liam dying wasn't part of the plan or if he is weeping for my loss. Take Care you are in my thoughts and prayers

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  8. I was just directed to your blog today. And it is quite fitting as today is the would be my son's 3yr birthday had he not died the day he was born. I want to start by saying I am so profoundly sorry for your loss. I would never wish for anyone to lose a child, let along a child and spouse. (HUGS) to you.
    As for your post, this is something we have discussed a lot in my grief group. Who really knows for sure except God himself?! I do choose to believe that when bad things happen God WILL find a way to use it for good. And that is what helps me try to make sense of it all. Somehow, someway, good will come out of my child's death. I may not see it or understand it this side of Heaven, but I trust my Lord enough.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers...
    Danielle

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  9. I have followed your blog since I first heard the story of the accident and began praying for you and your precious little girl. I have heard about "God's will" many times in which I think it could not possibly have been God's will. I look to my adoptive children as an example. I do not think it was absolutely God's will that we adopt them, because that would mean it was also His will they be abandoned and spend years living in institutions under terrible conditions (we have adopted children at age 14 years, 12 years, 3 1/2 years, and 2 1/2 years from Siberia Russia, India, and China, and we also have 1 biological child). For example, our daughter from Siberia was removed from her birth home as an infant due to severe neglect and abuse (she was also abused before birth through her birth mother's alcoholism). She then spent the next 12 years living in terrible conditions in Russian orphanages within the same city in which she was born, but none of her birth family ever cared enough to come visit her. I CANNOT believe this was God's will for her life. Surely His will was for her and all His precious children to be loved by the families they were born to. However, when sin entered the world so did apathy, poverty, hate, disease, hunger, war, etc., all the things that contribute to there being 143 million orphans around the world waiting at this very moment for someone to love and care for them. It was not God's plan for these children to live like this. However, He has given people free will to make choices, and all too often people make poor choices that negatively affect other innocent people. I am sure this breaks God's heart, just as Jesus wept in the Bible.

    So when some people talk about adoption being God's will, I can't help but think His will is really for children to be loved from the beginning, but when they are left as orphans then He calls us Christians to care for these precious children, to adopt them just as He has adopted us. When an innocent young person is tortured and murdered this cannot possibly be God's will - it is the result of the free will He has given to people, and He surely weeps when people choose evil over His own will for their lives. All too often innocent people suffer, not because of God's will, but because some people choose wrong. Many times God is able to take the result of evil and bring something beautiful out of it (e.g. adoption of orphans into loving families), but that doesn't make it His plan from the beginning. It may not have been God's will for your dear wife and child to die, but I pray He is able to bring something beautiful out of it.

    I will continue praying for peace and comfort for you. You have suffered such a terrible loss. The Bible says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." May He bring you great comfort. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  10. Extremely well put Chad. Thank you for writing about this topic. I hate when people say it was God's will or plan when something bad happens. I so often think to myself, "I don't think so," but never had the clarity to articulate things as well as you just did.

    Thank you and praying for you always,
    Sarah

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  11. My family continues to pray for you!

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  12. Hello Chad, you inspire so many people who have never walked in your shoes and for those who have...You have a prayer ring around you to carry you through the darkest days and nights.

    God's will question...this too I have pondered. I think sometimes as Christians we feel guilty if we get mad at God...but in all honesty, I have felt mad with God...but for a moment. Then I realize that Satan is trying to steal my joy, my freedom. It's like arguments in families happen often prior to a church service or after. This had happened to me several weeks in a row, I was so frustrated. Then one of my Christian friends said "Satan is always busy on days of worship to the Lord", he is trying to steal your joy, your walk with the Lord.".

    This side of heaven, it is beyond our understanding of why bad things happen to good people...But God promises us, he will take a bad thing and turn into good.

    I believe Jesus wept because he felt the pain of others around him. He knew though, that he would raise Lazurus from deaths grip.

    The heart of Jesus was intensely sensitive in itself, He was also aware of the thoughts of all the mourners around Him. Over and over in scripture, we are told that Jesus perceived the thoughts of those who were near Him (Luke 5:22; 6:8). He felt the pain we all feel when someone we love dies or when we see others suffer, but, I believe, that pain was multiplied many times over as He also felt the pain of the dozens of people surrounding Him. It was as if the terrible grief of each person present was laid upon the heart of Jesus like a suffocating pall.

    The heavy burden of their anguish would have been agonizing to the loving heart of the holy Christ. Jesus was being bombarded by an incredible, overwhelming sense of loss that brought Him to tears.

    This heartrending sense of loss He felt for Lazarus’ death was further intensified as He considered the impact of death on mankind....

    You have a gift for words Chad...perhaps a book about the journey on this side of heaven, from your blog?

    Your friend in Christ,
    Missy

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  13. Thank you for this post. After witnessing a terrible accident and the loss of a friend a few years ago, I had been asking myself similar questions. You have shed some new light and provided a new perspective. God bless you Chad.

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  14. Chad, I check to see what you post every day, and every time you do post it is very profound and touching to me. I am really not a religious person, but I am posting a song that I listen when I am at a loss for reason and clarity...I have never experienced anything like you are going through, please know my thoughts are with you ever day...please take care of yourself...
    Kimberly

    Godsmack
    Serenity lyrics
    Songwriters: Erna, Salvatore; Rombola;

    As I sit here
    And slowly close my eyes
    I take another deep breath
    And feel the wind pass through my body

    I'm the one in your soul
    Reflecting in the light
    Protect the ones who hold you
    Cradling your inner child

    I need serenity
    In a place where I can hide
    I need serenity
    Nothing changes, days go by

    Where do we go when we just don't know
    And how do we relight the flame when it's cold?
    Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
    And when will we learn to control?

    Tragic visions
    Slowly stole my life
    Tore away everything
    Cheating me out of my time

    I'm the one who loves you
    No matter wrong or right
    And every day I hold you
    I hold you with my inner child

    I need serenity
    In a place where I can hide
    I need serenity
    Nothing changes, days go by

    Where do we go when we just don't know
    And how do we relight the flame when it's cold?
    Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
    And when will we learn to control?

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  15. I agree that it probably isn't God's will that the crash happened...and that he weeps with you.

    You are finding profound ideas amidst your grief. Thanks for sharing them with all of us.

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  16. I know we don't know each other and I can't even imagine the pain you're going through. I wanted to let you know though, that every morning before I leave for work, I come to this website and pray for you and your family. I'm so sorry for what has happened.

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  17. I come to your blog about everyday and read it, I feel for you and I can not even imagine going through all of the changes that you are having to deal with on a daily basis. I continue to pray for you and your families everyday. I'm so sorry for what tragedy you have to live with. Just know that God will help you through it. Thanks for sharing your story with everyone as I know that it has made me think and realize more not to take life for granted because you never know what could happen tomorrow.

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  18. I had blogged on this topic of God's will just a few months back. It's true that God intended us to not die and not to live in a fallen world. I don't think we will fully understand these tragedies in life until we meet our Creator. And even then, will it matter? Probably not because we will be in glory with Him! God bless you. Believe me when I say it does get better with time. I know your loss is worse than mine because I lost a son, and you lost a wife and child. You never got to see your beautiful Miranda grow and talk. I was so blessed to have seen my Ethan do those things. Please don't be offended by my writing this...my intention is NOT to make you cry or more sad. I just want to encourage you and let you know it's so up and down. Give yourself plenty of time to just...be. To just exist and process. You've been through a traumatic situation, and that takes time to simply get past the shock, numbness, etc. Walk with Him, be mad at Him, yell at Him, cry with Him. Jesus Christ WILL see you through it all! Believe that friend. :o) My heart and prayers go our to you. Have a peaceful and blessed evening.

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  19. Chad,
    I constantly think about your life changing events this past month and can't help but cry for you. I check your blog often just to hear how you are doing. This post was so clear for me. You explained things that I have often thought but never could express with words. I have dealt with the loss of my father for 15 years now and with time it has gotten easier. I have comfort in knowing he is in Heaven. I know this is not comparable to your recent loss and I think I would be lost if I were in your shoes. I just wanted to let you know I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us...me.

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  20. I felt compelled since reading this last night to comment, but I didn't know what the Lord was leading me to say until about 10 minutes ago.

    Jesus said to pray, "Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven." That explains everything to me. If our Father had willed there to be death, He would have put it in the Garden of Eden in the first place. He wants things on earth to be as they are in Heaven through God's will, even though He knew the impossibility of that desire because of sin.

    Through Jesus' words, "...on earth as it is in Heaven," He is telling us that these horrible things are not His will. They are not according to His divine plan for His beloved people. They still happen and in His all-knowing grace, He knows it's coming but He also gives us free will, hence the loss you are grieving. For lack of a better way to say it, Chad, this really sucks.

    It is totally Satan -- he wants you to break and he's working hard.

    Still praying, every day (a lot!)~
    Kris

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  21. Chad, I printed copies of this blog entry for a devotional time for the "condo" ladies getaway weekend. After reading your thoughts, we sang the song all the way through. It was a blessed time. I love you! MOM

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  22. Thanks for the comments Chad. We think about your circumstances daily. We talk about them daily. That song has comforted me many times. I think you described loss/grief well from a Christ-follower perspective. xoxo.

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  23. Chad, 11 years ago I lost my mother to cancer, 3 months later, my 13 year old son passed away after 13 years of dealing with Muscular Dystrophy. My son never complained about what he could not do, He loved the life he had. I never questioned God why was he born with this? After he passed, during the funeral I looked around the room. The biggest room the home had. the room was standing room only. People I never met I was in awe at the lives my son had touched. God put him on this earth to touch all those lives and bless my life to have loved him. I can't believe God would make a child suffer from sadness, or survivors to suffer from loss because of sin. He died on the cross to abolish your sins. I believe We as survivors are left here to show Gods way and share you stories, so that others can learn that we don't blame God and we tell them I know i will see them again in heaven. We bare witness to others, so maybe they to will have the Joy of knowing we will be in paradise with our loved ones again. My prayers are with you in this confusing loss. Keep your faith and god will be at your side. you are never alone because "he watches over YOU"

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Thanks,
Chad