Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Few words...

Dear Sara and Miranda,

I don't have a lot to say tonight. I just miss you.

It's not hard for me to understand the grief of no longer having what I had. It's triggered by all sorts of daily activities. Seeing your car keys on top of the dresser. Looking at the other end of the couch and staring at the empty space beside me. Looking for something to eat and seeing things in the cupboard I know you bought specifically for me and others bought specifically for you. Getting the mail and finding the This Old House magazine you had just started a 3 year subscription to. Seeing the unwrinkled sheets and blankets on your side of the bed when I get up every morning and lay back down every night. Doing laundry and realizing it's all just my clothes, nothing for the baby, nothing for you.

I'm less sure about the grief I feel for the things that I didn't have. The things that should have been but won't be. I didn't expect that grief to be as strong as it is.  Not hearing a baby crying makes the house feel even quieter. Not having a baby seat installed in the truck (or the car) makes driving just about anywhere feel empty. There's no formula or bottles in the cupboards. No crib in the bedroom.

I love you both.  I miss you both.

Love,
Chad

12 comments:

  1. Oh Chad, my heart aches for you. Please know that I continue to uphold you and your families in prayer each and every day!

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  2. Hi Chad. Just wanted to let you know I have been following along for a couple of weeks. Through your writing I can feel what it must be like for you - but not really...I have a little guy with Down syndrome and I would not have ever know what it would be like until living it. There does become a new normal. We can always look at what it could have been like. Don't get me wrong, I know your losses are something so utterly heart-breaking. I guess it's my attempt to say hi and thinking of you.

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  3. Chad, reading this post, brings new tears to my eyes, each one a silent plea to our Heavenly Father for His comfort for you, and thanking him that he cares for you and knows your needs, makes my own feelings of inability to help you less overwhelming.

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  4. The honest truth is...new normals just suck.
    I pray that this part of your journey- which God knew about even before you were formed will bring you closer to Him. That somehow you are a light that shines for someone else that is in need. Mostly I pray for peace in your heart and for the sadness to turn to sweet remembrances.

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  5. Hi Chad, long time no see. I am sorry for your loss and just want you to know you are in my prayers.

    Robin Signs-Inman

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  6. Chad, I know what you mean. For me, when I go to HomeDepot and I hear the muzak playing, I feel sad because Sara and our first granddaughter are taken away. Some strains of music can just wrench my heart so hard. I know what I'm thinking--what's the use? Everything her mom and I have ever wanted--4 children and a grandchild are now reduced to 3. Those 3 are more important than ever, but I'd give most everything I ever owned just to have it back to 5--the way it was supposed to be. So now we try to adjust to the new dis-normal. We try to remind ourselves to be sure not to miss that half full glass we still have while we tend to get stuck staring at the half empty glass.

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  7. I've never been through anything as remotely devastating as you have in recent months, but my hearts aches for you just the same. I pray for you daily... hope you know that's not just something I say without following through on the promise.
    Ps. 56:8

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  8. Hi Chad....I have never posted a comment, but I have been reading your blog for a while. My heart goes out to you. And while this time is so difficult for you and your family, I want to thank you. Every time I read your words, I am deeply affected. You remind me how precious life really is. I think so many people take that precious gift for granted, and it is only when the ones we love are gone that we truly understand what we have lost.

    I know that God will get you through this one day at a time. Take care.

    Elizabeth

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  9. I do not know you, and recently happened upon your blog. My heart and prayers go out to you and the many others who are suffering at this time. May the Lord give you strength to carry on. May Sara and Miranda always smile down on you (make them proud by the way you continue to live your life:0) ). I am sure they miss you, like you miss them. And I know you will all be together someday. Someday feels so long away. I always hope we will get to the other side and look back on our earth life and think, "Wow! That went by so fast. It feels like a dream." And then we will continue living together with our families forever in peace. May the peace of the spirit continue to carry you and your family through this very difficult time.

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  10. I have never met you but somehow came across your blog about a week ago. Your courage and strength amazes me!
    Have you heard the song "Homesick" by MercyMe?
    I think you might like it

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhrPMJe8LE

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  11. Hi Chad,
    I have visited your blog off and on since the accident. I don't remember if I posted before, but if I did not, please know that I am very sorry for your loss. In November of 2009 I lost my 3 1/2 year old son to an undiagnosed immune deficiency disease. It has been a long, hard road, but a few things have lightened the burden for me. Among them are two books that I'd like to recommend to you. I have read several books on being a bereaved parent, and largely they were not worth the paper (to me) that they were printed on. The one that hit home though, is called "Safe In The Arms Of God" and was written by John MacArthur. It's a short book, but so powerful. I wish I could buy a copy for every bereaved parent. The second I am just reading now, and am only about 1/6 of the way through. It's called "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. I also noticed that he wrote another book titled "God Is Good" when I was at the bookstore yesterday. I haven't read it yet, but it's on my list. And if it's anything like this one, I think it's going to be amazing. From what I gather, it talks about why there is suffering. Another suggestion, if you are on Facebook, would be to follow Abby Rike. She was on The Biggest Loser a few years ago. Her husband and two small children were killed in a car accident. She has a book coming out on May 4th. The M.I.S.S. Foundation (page on FB) has also been a godsend (though they are out of AZ and I am in WI) and so has the "Writing Through Your Grief" page. If you'd like to read about my own grief process, I have a blog at sairabee dot blogspot dot com. Go back to November 1, 2009 and work your way forward. There is a way to contact me from my blog post if you'd like to talk further. God bless you. I do not know all of your pain, but I know a portion of it and I will pray for peace in your heart. I can't say it gets better. I'm one of the few that does not believe time heals anything. But I can tell you that the "new normal" is a little less painful every week.

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  12. It amazed me as well how loud the sound of silence rang in my ears. Sending love & peace to you Chad.

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Thanks,
Chad