Monday, March 7, 2011

Missing Miranda...

Dear Miranda,

I'm not sure where to start. You've been on my mind all day long.

I cried in public today. It wasn’t just a few tears I could quickly wipe away and hope no one noticed, this was actual crying. I’ve cried in public plenty of times over the past month, but not like this. I lucked out. There was a bathroom available that I was able to duck into rather quickly.

I had a chiropractors appointment this morning. While I waited in the lobby there was a lady there who had a beautiful little girl with her. The little girl was simply being a little girl. It was the simple acts of being that got to me. She wanted a drink from the water cooler. She played with some stuffed animals she’d brought with her, even giving one an adjustment on the table in the middle of the lobby. It was a happy scene, but it overwhelmed me in a way I haven’t felt very often.

The grief I feel for you, because of you, over losing you is so different from what I feel for your mother. She and I had 15 years together. We should have had 40 more. My grief for mommy is so complex and deep it’s difficult for me to comprehend, much less explain. My grief for you, while no less painful, is so very different. We never got to know each other. We have so little history for me to grieve. Our time together was brief, so incredibly brief I worry about what I’ll forget.

My grief for you often feels empty, like a blank sheet of paper. It’s about unrealized potential. It’s about all the things that will never be. Grieving the loss of that which might have been feels so different than grieving that which was and was supposed to be.

Needless to say, I miss you dearly. I see you, and everything you’ll never have a chance to be, in every child I see.

I love you. I miss you. Give mommy a kiss from daddy.



  1. Chad, you will never forget what it felt like to hold that tiny part of you. That tiny little girl will forever leave the biggest imprint on your heart.... you will always feel their love surround you as long as you allow yourself to. There will come a day that all you will do when you think of her is smile and feel the love warm through you.

  2. My heart breaks for you, Chad... I can't begin to imagine. Your writing is healing. Your honesty about your feelings is commendable and being able to express them so well is a gift. May the God of comfort, He who hold us all, give you much needed peace and rest.

  3. Praying...simply, upholding you in my prayers.

    In Christian Love!

  4. You won't forget, but that is a normal concern I think. I didn't even think about how grieving would be different, but I see through your words. Thank you for the reminder to see beauty in the "normal" everyday things. I didn't comment on your blog about choices, but you're right with that one too.

  5. You are in my prayers this day...every day...I know from personal experience that grief is a very overwhelming thing-it can affect all that you do, and can sap the energy right out of me, when I say to you, that god WILL give you the strength to deal with "everyday"...

  6. Chad, I have been following your blog since the accident. I cannot even begin to express with words the deep sympathy and pain I feel for you and your loss. I think about you and your family every single day. Your loss has truly made me STOP and realize just how blessed I am w/ each "little" thing in my life. Thank you and bless you.

  7. As a mother myself, I could never image going through this. I read your blog everyday you write. Your writing is beautiful it has also made me think about how priceless my time here is. Words can not express how sorry I feel that you had to lose your wife and daughter. I know they are watching your every move. You had more time than you think with your daughter. You have to think she knew you voice your touch and more. They feel everything and hear everything. I wish you strength to get through this mountain. Remember God is there for you even though we may never know why he does the things he does. Take care. God bless

  8. Chad,
    I dont think you will forget. You have some beautiful pictures that will help trigger that part of your memory and what it was like to touch/hold your daughter.
    God Bless

  9. Dear Chad~ I too have been following your blog since the accident. Your writing has touched my heart and it breaks for your losses. I am a mother and grandmother to 5 girls and I truly thank God everyday for what I have. Please don't ever forget your precious Miranda. Look at her pictures daily to help you hold on to those memories. God Bless you!

  10. Dear Chad,

    Reading this made me cry. Last year I started having complications in my pregnancy when I wasn't very far along. From that point on, everything seemed so uncertain. I clung to the knowledge that God had given me this baby and I just needed to be the very best mom to that baby that I could be, for all the time that I was given with my child.

    Chad, you were the very best dad that Miranda could have had, and God chose you to be her dad for a reason.

    Try not to think of her life as a blank sheet of paper, but see it as filled with all the memories that you do have of her - hearing her heartbeat for the first time, the first time you saw your "lil shrimp" on ultrasound, getting to hold her, kiss her, and look upon her beautiful face. This blog is rich with wonderful memories of her life.

    Thank you so much for sharing this story with all of us. Our hearts are broken, too. We are still praying for you, and for peace in your heart until you join your family again.

  11. Hi Chad,

    I have written to you many times, but I am not even sure that I have ever hit SEND - or that a post has ever gone through to you. I'm sure there are probably hundreds, maybe even thousands of people following you and reading your beautiful writings. I check in every day or two, and keep thinking; 'this time I can get through whatever he wrote without all the tears' but it never happens. I always cry. It's a cleansing cry. I have two children ages 6 and 8; the loves of my life. I know what you lost with your beautiful Miranda. I also am with my children's father, still - after a huge betrayal on his part, where he cheated on me (I think on "us") with someone else for almost 2 years. When I found out and told him to leave, he did - but he realized within one night away from us, he wanted to be home with us. It has been a VERY, very long journey to forgive and grow back together as a couple. Your blog is my encouragement to consider writing my story to share with the world. You are my hero, though. Keeping your anger in check, keeping your faith and kindness in control. That's what Sara would want for you. I have followed your story since the night of the accident, and Miranda's passing. I prayed so hard that night for a miracle to take over and bring her to recover brain activity so she could stay here with you. I didn't sleep most of that night waiting to see if she was still with you. I cried so hard when I learned she had to go with mommy; Sara. I can't imagine your pain. I have had deep pain as well, and didn't always handle it with the incredible grace as you have. You are a true hero, and reminder to us all how good we can be, even in the most unlikely of times. God Bless you.

  12. You're continuously in our prayers, Chad. Praying that our God of love, peace and hope will hold you ever so tightly during the low times and bring you joy in the "morning".

  13. Your an amazing man!!
    My prayers continue everday for you and your family.
    I read your blogs everyday! Its a part of my daily routine now.
    There are no words to tell you how sorry I really am for you. I am only 26 and i know I would not be able to be as strong as you are.
    You help me in many ways. You have 2 beautiful amazing guardian angels and they help and walk with you everyday.
    Each day will bring different emotions.. they will be there to help you with them...

  14. Chad -
    I have never posted before because simply, there are no words to be said to tell you how much we feel for you and your situation. But I can tell you this, and I am excited to do so! A very dear friend, once teacher, lost a baby. She had a week or so with him, but like Miranda, he passed and there were little memories to grieve about. BUT now, on his birthday they sing a song and celebrate the life they were given and how much he changed their family - even for just a moment.

    Still in our prayers!
    The Kowalskis

  15. Hi Chad,
    I haven't been able to bring myself to comment on your posts...I feel there just aren't words adequate enough to encourage you during this time. But so many of us are praying for you. I can't imagine what you must be enduring, and I feel it's such a privilege for us to see but a tiny glimpse of your pain and anguish...and honesty and grace from our Lord and Savior. It reminds me, personally, to snuggle with my babies all the more, to be thankful for my husband...we're not guaranteed the next minute with our loved ones.
    What a wonderful Daddy I bet you were to your precious little princess, for the short time you had with her. I bet she knew your voice from way back as a tiny little nugget. The pics you've shared revealed such a beautiful tiny, perfect little being. And I bet you and Sara were an amazing couple. She, too, seems beautiful and amazing. Bless you, Brother. Only God knows what you are walking through, and He has placed it on our hearts to hold you up in prayer and intercede on your behalf...
    "THerefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-3)

    "...because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, ;The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'" (Hebrews 13:5b-6)

    "May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that Great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever, Amen." (Hebrews 13:20-21)

    Bless you, my many of us are lifting you up in prayer,


  16. When my mom passed away it wasn't only her that I missed, but like you said, I missed all that could have been. Like my mom attending my kids graduations, weddings, and her seeing all their accomplishments they have had so far in their lives, and even though I know she is always here in spirit, somehow it isn't the same as having her physical presence here, of course. Some of these events that have occurred already (my son's graduation) have been very bittersweet to me. I know she would have been so proud, she was the best grandma ever. I understand fully when you grieve for what never will be for you daughter. I do believe our loved ones are helping guide our lives from heaven though and I've seen my mom's hand in various things that have happened that could only have been from her. I'm know Sara and Miranda together will help bring about peace and remarkable things as you continue to go through your will unmistakable and you will know it is them. I pray for you everyday, Chad. Peace to you.

  17. I couldn't sleep last night so I got up and spent some time randomly thumbing through one of the books on my book shelf. The following line, from Marianne Williamson's "Everyday Grace", jumped out at me.

    "Sometimes the purpose of a day is to merely feel our sadness, knowing that as we do we allow whole layers of grief, like old skin cells, to drop off us."

    Uplifting you in prayer daily.

  18. I have been reading your blogs since your tragic accident happened. I do not know you or your family-yet I think of you and your beautiful family daily. I too lost a little girl a year and a half ago. She was stillborn. I too was so scared I would forget things, her smell, the feel of her skin when I kissed her, how holding her in my arms this day I can close my eyes and remember it all as if it just happened. Some would think this would be a bad thing. Now for me it is my comfort. You will always remember those little things. I only had my precious little girl for 6 hours. I can recall almost every minute...I hope and pray that in time these memories you have will still be with you and bring you some level of comfort. Love and prayers to your family.


  19. Chad,
    Your Miranda has a friend in Heaven. A friend she might have played with on earth if they had lived. Our Wesley Daniel was due Feb. 13th, 2011. He has a very similar story. My uterus ruptured, he was without oxygen for too long, they got a hearbeat back, but there was no brain activity and we removed ventilation six hours after birth when he began to "crash". It's hard to believe, but they are smarter than us already. In Heaven we will know in full. All these questions we wonder and struggle to understand...they know. Today's entry touched my heart, Chad. As soon as I heard the prayer request for you in Lakeview Free Methodist Church the Sunday after the accident, my heart connected and I began praying. As I read your entry about Miranda's Early Flight, my heart truly broke as I thought of how my last moments with Wesley were so entertwined with my husband, Matthew. We travelled this heartbreaking road together. My heart grieved that this road was taken by you alone, and that your grief was so much greater as you had just lost your best friend, your love. And I've wondered how those two griefs were experienced, both terrible, but definitely different. Thanks for trying to explain, trying to help our hearts understand even a little of what you are going through. You have had a Bible Study Fellowship group in Memphis, TN, (where we are currently living) praying for you. Our hearts love you in a way that amazingly happens when people are connected through Christ. Just think, this unity of Christians here on earth is only a snippet of what Welsey and Miranda and Sara now know in full...

  20. Boy, I had a rough day yesterday. We had gotten together with family. I now have a four month old and my sister-in-law has a two month old. It was wonderful to see everyone together...especially the babies. However, I felt that there should be a fourteen month old running around getting into things. Uriah should have been there crying, giggling, acting shy. Instead it was the new babies that captured our attention.

    I miss him so.

    I sure hope the Lord allowed him to see some of our day that day.

    God bless you Chad as you go through your time of grief and loss. I continue to pray for you and think of you often. I thought of you much yesterday as we drove for nearly 2 hours down 94. You amaze me with the strength you have. I understand that the strength comes from the Lord, but you are making the choice to accept that strength.


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