Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Most of all...

Dear Sara,

Most of all, I just want to hold you. I want to wrap my arms around you as I’m falling asleep and feel your warm skin pressed up against me. I want to smell the scent of your freshly shampooed and still damp hair.

Most of all, I just want to kiss you. I want to pull you in tight and feel your soft lips pressing against mine.

Most of all, I just want to hear you laugh. I want to see that smile spread across your face and the sparkle of joy in your eyes.

Most of all, I just want you to be near me. I want you to sit beside me on the sofa. I want to rest my hand or your knee, or my head in your lap, while we watch one of our favorite shows together.

Most of all, I just want to run my fingers through your hair.

Most of all, I want to look forward to coming home. I want you to be there to greet me as I walk in the door. To get to the door and open it up before I have time to fit my key into the lock.

Most of all, I just want to stand beside our little girl’s crib with you at my side. I want to marvel at her beauty and appreciate all of you that I see in her.

Most of all, I just want you back. I want things to be the way they were. I want things to be the way they were supposed to be. I want my eyes to dry out, and to not feel like I could burst out crying at any given moment, even when I feel in control.

I love you. I miss you. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.



  1. You don't know me. I'm just a girl from New Jersey who has been following your story since the accident. I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now, yet I'm somehow grieving for you. Not a single night has gone by that I didn't say a prayer for you, your wife, and beautiful little girl. Not a night has gone by that I don't thank God for the family that I have and remember what I have to lose. Because of your post, because of the memories you have shared with me I have become a better wife and mother.

    I just can't imagine.. even begin to understand your pain.. however, I still share it with you.. even though you don't know me.

    God Bless You, your wife and daughter is now a part of so many families around the world. They now love everyone, in all of our lives, in all of our homes. Their memory and love will continue on.

  2. Most of all, I want you to know she is watching you and waiting for you.
    Most of all, I wish too, you could have all of this.

  3. Your grief and your love are so heart aches for you. You & your family are continually brought before His throne.

  4. Chad, my wife and I have been following your blog and like Becky we have never met but follow your story closely. I sit at my desk and cry for you when I read this. I pray for you – I want to give you a huge hug, sit and cry with you, give you a tissue to wipe yours, pray with you… Your strength has been an inspiration. I want you to know that you have touched our life in a very positive way. Our prays, love, and sympathy are with you!

  5. Dear Chad --

    After reading your post I wish I was a fairy Godmother with magical powers. I would sprinkle a bit of fairy dust -- wave my magic wand and grant every single one of your wishes. You are an amazing man with a beautiful spirit. It breaks my heart that you must bear this grief -- a grief you did not seek out, ask for or deserve.

    When I was grieving I had a difficult time placing a name on my feelings and emotions. It was much more than mere sadness, but what? Recently I read an article on grief that said "pining" (long eagerly; yearn) is more prevalent than sadness during the grief journey.

    I believe love possesses the power to move us through any challenge, difficulty or hardship. During this "dark night of the soul" please know Chad that you are loved and cared for. Not only by God, Sara and Miranda, your family, and friends, but by countless strangers who read your words and consider it an honor and privilege to take upon themselves a microscopic portion of your grief and pain. Remember to accept the hugs, prayers and cool glasses of water offered by strangers. Asking God to allow your heart to bask in the warmth and glow of love. Peace.

  6. I pray for you so often. Thank you for sharing your heart so that I can know how to pray. I don't know you except through a friend that told me about you. My heart is heavy for you and I bring you before the throne of God frequently because only He can heal you over time.

  7. reading your honesty helps me in my own losses....thank you for sharing your heart.

  8. Most of all I wish that you could have for what you wish for most all.
    Most of all I pray that you feel the love of God our Rock wrapped around you.
    Most of all I hope that you know that so many people are thinking of you daily, Chad.

  9. Chad...There are not enough words or hugs. I have been following your story and am so very sorry for your losses. There are numerous prayers on your behalf. Continue to take it one day at a time. I cannot imagine the pain, emptiness and void you feel. Use your faith to help you. You are amazing!

  10. I have been following your story and just ache for you Chad. We went to SAU together but I don't know if you'd remember me. I just want you to know I keep you in my prayers. There are no words. Just know you are being prayed for; it probably doesn't help but I pray every bit of encouragement or source of support your receive in love will help you in the moment you are in at that time. ~Kimberly

  11. Dear Chad,
    I don't know how you're still here; how you continue to function each and every day. I have my husband and my adult children and yet I feel so lonely. I know you don't feel like it, but you are a source of strength for me. If you can continue, certainly I can. There are so many days I don't want to be here; I feel so unloved, uncared for, un-needed. But there you are, trusting God for every step you take, for every morning you wake. Thank you for just going on. For just being who you are and doing the best you can. Thank you for sharing your innermost pain. Thank you for being a light in my life.

  12. @Elise- Chad is here ONLY because of the Grace of the God we serve. Our God is a big God- come and join our family- we welcome you with open arms.

  13. Dear Chad,

    As others say, you don't know me. I have been profoundly touched by your journey and this post, more than any other, has reminded me to embrace every day with the ones I love. To remember to truly feel the touches, the kisses. To feel the joy in moments of our daily lives. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your pain, thoughts, honesty, and journey with the world.


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