Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sigh...

Dear Sara,

Words seem so inadequate today. There’s no efficiency in language to describe how I’m feeling. I’ve had a fun weekend. I’ve had a busy weekend. But mostly I’ve had a hard weekend. The people I love the most – the people I want to be with, the people I need to be with – are also the ones that are the hardest to be with. Laughing children, happy faces, sounds of contentment and joy…and it just makes me miss you that much more.

I’ve been crying almost non-stop for three days. Even when the tears aren’t falling on the outside, I can feel them on the inside. I don’t think being sick helps. I already feel emotionally frail.  Feeling physically frail only exaggerates my emotional state.

The snow is all melted. Spring is coming. Your flower beds are waiting for you to begin your work.

I love you. I miss you. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.

Love,
Chad

16 comments:

  1. Chad I feel so bad for you. I know only time will heal your heart. But I will say a prayer for you. Do you go to church? If so perhaps going might help if not only to get out of the house? (besides work, ect..) No words anyone will ever say heal your heart when its so broke but know god does have a plan for you, maybe not today, tomorrow or years from now. But hopefully one day you will smile again and feel content. Have you thought about moving? I don't know if I could continue to live in a house that was meant for a different life? Just a thought I know maybe way to early to even consider but?? (hugs to you and hope you feel better (cold wise).
    Hugs
    heather

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  2. Heather, Sara and I did go to church...although not as regularly as we should have. I have thought about moving...and I just can't imagine not being here, in this house, our home. I find comfort here, even though I see reminders of Sara all day long (or is it because I see reminders of Sara all day long?)

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  3. I think though it is hard at times, it is good to be in that familiar place right now...in the long run you may feel ready to leave, but right now it is the comfort of all things you know and love...and you are used to...though it is difficult in some ways, it may be just the place for you to be...but then again what do I know, I guess I am just hoping/speculating...that the familiarity of it all is in some way comforting...my thoughts are with you all the time...if you need anything, please let me know...I wish there was something that I could do to help...take care of yourself, I hope your cold feels better soon, oh and don't forget you should watch a walk to remember, it is such a touching movie, quite like your situation, but different...I don't know maybe a bad movie to watch...who knows. so hard to have the right words to say...again take care hope you are feeling better soon.

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  4. Lord, please grant Chad a knowing of your presence during those evenings. You know the hurt and loss he is carrying. Make something beautiful grow this spring where so much has been taken, something eternal and for Your Glory. Thank You for Chad's trust and faith in You. Those whose trust in You will never be put to shame.

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  5. Chad, I will give you my personal experience...but you need to do a the Lord leads. We lost our son tragically (he was 7) in an accident. We are military and had orders to move. We moved 6 weeks after he went to meet Jesus. I will tell you that it was very hard. Evan though we hadn't been living very long in that last house we lived in before Ethan passed...there are still memories there. I felt as though I was abandoning my son by leaving that house behind. I bawled the day we left town. Now we have been super blessed by the move...but it has been super tough. We are now 9.5 months into our grief journey. We are moving yet again...but back home where Ethan is buried. Three states in less than a year PLUS losing a precious child...HARD!

    I am sorry to write so much about myself. I just wanted to share with you my experience. In my honest opinion, I would pray about moving. Oftentimes, when we are smack in the middle of grief (it's not been long since you lost your loved ones), we jump and make drastic decisions. I've heard it said to wait a year to make any MAJOR decisions if at all possible. I'm not sure that a year is the "magical" number. I think it's dependent on each individual.

    Chad, if you don't mind my asking, do you have family close by? Are you wanting to move to be closer to family, or to start over, or to get away? I can understand wanting to start over and be alone. I wanted very little to do with anyone except for my other son and my husband...and a handful of close friends. Often we need solitude. But being that you essentially live along, don't spend too much time in solitude. It's okay to lean on others. This is your time to be helped.

    Another blessing that has helped me so much: www.griefshare.com I joined a group at our church. Keep in mind we were new here and I didn't know anyone...but I jumper in and joined! It has blessed me so much.

    May the Lord bless you and sustain you. :o)

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  6. Chad, Just reread back thru a lot of your posts,wanted to see if my reaction to this post "Sigh" would be different, re-reading only made it stronger! You have such an open heart. What you have been through and what you have done for Sara and Miranda in the last six weeks is simply unbelievable, the most stoic of us could not have even aspired to the courage and faith you have demonstrated to us. What I am trying to say dear child, just my humble opinion is that you need rest so badly, please take the best physical care of yourself you are able to do. Praying for God's continued care for you.

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  7. Chad, I just read your story on Peaceful Parenting, and my heart breaks for you and your loss. Tears are still rolling down my face as I try to grasp what you've been through. I can't even begin to imagine, to be honest. I can't fathom the pain.

    May God bless you, Chad. You're in my thoughts.

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  8. Chad, I can feel your pain in this troubling time, but just keep in mind that if God brings you to it, He'll see you threw it. Its hard to gather with Family and Friends right now, to see children and others laughing when your heart is breaking. You have to remember that there is no right way to work on grief, it takes time, and so much energy to do it. If you can , please dont make any sudden changes, you arent ready for, it has been suggested that when you loose your spouse you wait at least 18 months before you make changes if you can, that gives you time to come to grips with your grief.
    You have shown so much faith in God, in taking the right steps, in coming to grips with all this by speaking to Sara and Miranda in this blog, it gives you comfort and helps ease the pain. God is with you, I will keep praying for you and for your family. Know that alot of us care and feel your pain.

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  9. Cate,

    Thanks for sharing. I'm not planning on going anywhere. :) As I responded to Heather, above, I just can't imagine not being here in our home.

    Chad

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  10. Keeping you in my prayers, Chad, since this tragedy happened. Just want you to know that.

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  11. Chad,
    Keeping you in my prayers. I do not blame you for wanting to stay in your home where you have memories. God Bless.

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  12. Continually keeping you, Sara and Miranda in my prayers. Listen to your heart as that is where your beautiful girls are kept ♥ May Peace find you soon in one form or another...

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  13. Chad, I wonder if there will always be this bittersweet feeling when the family is together. I cried myself to sleep last night thinking about how Sara would have been commenting about Sarah and Aaron's baby quilt, helping Tobin and Talia design their derby cars, and rubbing your arm to let you know she cared about how miserable you were feeling. We all would have cuddled Miranda, admired her beauty, and checked out her developing personality. It's the life we wanted! We know it would have been good and that is why the loss is so great. We love you and share your pain. Mom

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  14. Chad,

    I don't know you-never was blessed to know Sara or Miranda. I grew up in MI and have been silently following your blog since I read about it on the news. I read the comments too and see that you get so much in the terms of strength and love for your family...or the family that you were meant to have. I want you to know that your struggles and honesty have touched my own life in more ways than you know. There is never anything anyone can say, do or want that can make the raw pain go away. There is no answer to a life unfulfilled. If there is an answer-I don't know it. Sometimes this world seems so unfair and full of pain. No one knows what awaits in the next life but I can only believe it is full on joyous reunions with loved ones lucky enough to have gone before. Mostly, in your moments of sadness I want you to know that there are so many people, including me, praying and listening. YOU are making such a difference. Thank you for all of your posts and feelings.
    Jen

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  15. Mom - Yes to everything you and Chad said. It hurts so much to let your mind go to what might have been - what SHOULD have been...and yet I can't stop myself. I loved being with you all this weekend, despite the new round of grief it brought. I love you guys. Joelle

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  16. Dear Chad,
    I hesitate to give any reading recommendations -as I'm sure you must be bombarded with advice. .... Perhaps it is just my small attempt to be of help in some way...However, you may find comfort in the testimony of Roger Roberts. (Book: Into the Deep) He lost his wife & all 4 children in a flash flood back in 2003. He spoke at our church shortly after and continues to reside in our area. His journey, his faith, his loss.... remind me of you in so many ways. And I doubt few others can identify with you the way he can. Many times your words echo his. Your ability to turn toward God, instead of away from God. Being able to see God's grace and goodness in the midst of tragedy. Trusting Him even when things don't make sense.

    Please know you are prayed for daily in this home. Praying for your family as well. Reading their comments above, it is clear that their hurt also runs deep. Grateful you are close and are LOVED.

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Thanks,
Chad