Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Things I know...

Dear Sara,

I've had lots of people tell me they can't imagine what I must be going through. I believe them. I couldn't imagine it either. We had talked about it – what life would be like without the other – but neither of us could have actually imagined it. It's so much worse than anything we could have imagined. Initially the pain is so deep that it has no boundaries, there's no way to measure it, contain it, or even really feel it. It's so big that you just begin to live in it, because you can't get around it or out of it. I don't know if it ever shrinks or gains dimension, but I've heard that it eventually becomes less overwhelming. I don't know anyone who ever said it goes away though. I think it just becomes a part of who you are, until you just don't notice it as much, kind of like a limp in your heart instead of your leg.

There are things that help me get through every day, things that I know, and things that no one can take away from me.

I know where you are. You're not lost; you're just not here.

I know how to get where you are...eventually. It may take me longer, but the destination ends up being the same.

I know you loved me. I never doubted that for 15 years. Thank you for that gift, it helps me now.

I know you wouldn’t want me to quit living. We talked about it, not a lot, but it did come up. I would have wanted the same for you. However, I can tell you, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

I know that God loves me, even if he can’t answer my questions now. He shows me His love through our family and friends.

It’s not a long list, but it’s enough.

I love you. I miss you. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.



  1. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes reading your blog. Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts with us. It helps me not to take anything for granted and to show my love to those around me more. Your faith is inspiring. I am praying for strength and comfort for you. I think Jesus is crying with you, just like I am right now.

  2. Chad,

    "Grief is the price we pay for love" by Queen Elizabeth II.

    If you get a chance read the book "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo, a Pastor who's 3 year old boy talks about his trip to heaven and back....

    After reading, I felt a sense of peace, a sense of longing for heaven...someday. I want to believe his experience was true and not a scam to sell a book. His father is a Pastor....

    The book gave me some comfort...maybe it will for you as well...

  3. Chad, I continue to pray for you too. I pray that you will feel the very nearness of Jesus with you every day. You are a wonderful writer and I appreciate you taking the time and energy to share your thoughts with us. I don't have the words to tell you how sorry I am about your loss.

  4. 'A limp in my heart instead of my leg" is a great quotable quote! I thought I would use "scar tissue" forming over my deepest possible wound so far in my life as my metaphor of choice. But now I think I prefer "limp in my heart"--good words for describing the horrible thing that has happened to us.

    I have been comforted by various others who have suffered similar tragedies. Thank the Lord for them! They have been such great helps in bearing the pain of losing Sara and Miranda and also have taught me things I am benefited by knowing.

  5. Chad,

    I have to thank you, again. Today has been an awful day for me. My kids are fighting, my husband can't come home and help, and I have a laundry list of things to do. I felt overwhelme and helpless. Then I remind myself how different life could be. How yes it would be quiet and I could get my tasks done, but it wouldn't be the same. You continually remind me of how things can change and how I need to be more appreciative of my beautiful life. Thank you!

  6. Dear Chad,
    Thank you for continuing to write. I really appreciate how well you articulate your feelings, but at the same time I wish you didn't have to write about THESE feelings at all (as I'm sure you would agree). You are a very talented writer and display a tremendous amount of faith and knowledge of our Lord. I admire you so much for that.
    Is there anything specific that your readers can do for you? Any specific prayer requests or areas to focus on?
    I consistently pray for God to comfort you through this tragedy, and for you to always feel the presence of your wife and beautiful baby girl, and also that people following this blog will be inspired to deepen their own relationship with our Lord, the one and only.

  7. Sarah Beth,

    Thanks for asking. I'm not sure I can think of anything right now, other than the things I know people are already praying for.


  8. Although all of your post find a way into my heart, this one was especially beautifully written.
    May God continue to shine His light on you my friend.

  9. Chad
    I too found your blog through a friends FB, and am a fellow Michigander (Ypsilanti). Odd as it may sound I feel a sort of connection with you. You are an amazing man and I am in awe of your strength, your ability to share such deep emotions with a world full of strangers. Your words are inspiring, real, and you are giving hope and new meaning to each and every one of us.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and you families. Take care, and don't forget to breathe!
    Your new friend,
    Krystal Russell
    Lexington, Ky.

  10. Sending you lots of good thoughts, Chad.

  11. I thought I would write to let you know how many people's lives you touched that I know in the last hour. A friend of mine posted a link to your site on facebook and I then shared via facebook and email with my friends, as I couldn't get over your story and how much it made me feel that I am not being as thankful as I should be for all of the things of I life. Within the past hour, over 10 people have responded to me with how much you have touched their lives as well. Please know that through sharing your loss with us, you are doing an amazing things for many, many, many other people.

  12. Chad,

    I was walking to the bus yesterday and I saw a woman who looked very much like Sara carrying a big bouquet of flowers. I thought about you and said a prayer. She is remembered and missed, even by people who haven't met her.

    Thank you for sharing with us, you write beautifully and you, Sara, and Miranda have touched so many lives.

    Thinking of you,

  13. Chad
    I remember you from SAU -- our kids Alex & Angela both knew you and Sara. I spent the past hour reviewing your entire blog and I am so blessed to see the pathway of both sorrow and courage in your journey. When you are ready to read more I would highly recommend "Things Unseen" by Mark Buchanan and "A Grace Disguised" by Gerald Sittser. I get the most positive feedback from those in grief after they read these. When you're ready. Loving you and praying for you even now. Glenn H. Teal

  14. Thinking of you and hoping you are having brighter days!

  15. I love the word picture "limp in my heart." Simple words to describe something that can't be described. As for the things you "know" - they are good things. Cling to those.

  16. I read your posts and they just break me. I can't imagine the pain you are going through in the sense of being without my spouce but the loss of your daughter I can relate. I cannot picture myself going through that alone without my husband. You are an amazing person and the love you have for her is very present in what you write. God bless you always.


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