Monday, March 28, 2011

What if...

Dear Miranda,

If things had gone according to plan, we would have been taking you in for your four-week check up this week.

If things had gone according to plan, you would be sleeping in your beautiful little crib right now. Instead, it has become a memorial to you, with various blankets, dolls, and books, which greets visitors to our home when they walk in the front door.

If things had gone according to plan…if, if, if.

But they didn’t, did they? At least not according to my plans.

I look at your pictures and can’t help but think, “what if?” and “would you?”

I know thinking about these things doesn’t change anything; but, I can’t stop the thoughts from coming.

What if I could hold you here on my chest, as I watch the Red Wings, waiting for mommy to get ready for bed?

Would you find it soothing for me to sing you a lullaby?

Would you recognize the sounds as I read you the books I read you while you were in your mommy’s belly?

Would you be a good sleeper or would mommy and daddy both be exhausted from your late night sleeplessness?

Would you like riding in the car? Would you fall asleep just as quick as mommy used to when we were in the car?

So many questions…and no answers, at least for now.

I love you. I miss you. Give mommy a kiss from daddy.

Love,
Daddy




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25 comments:

  1. CandiceMarch 28, 2011 at 10:02 PM

    So sorry...it's so unfair!! :(

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  2. ERICAMarch 28, 2011 at 10:21 PM

    she was beautiful! still praying!

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  3. In BetweenMarch 28, 2011 at 10:41 PM

    An absolutely beautiful baby girl. So sorry for your losses. May Got bless you ~

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  4. TriciaMarch 28, 2011 at 10:42 PM

    You're my hero for having made it this far. And my heart is so thankful that you even had that brief time with your beautiful daughter...what a blessing. But Candice is right...it's so terribly unfair. All that should've been...

    *sigh*

    Continued prayers, Chad. :)

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  5. 2 Little FootprintsMarch 28, 2011 at 10:48 PM

    I've really respected your insights into sufferring and God's sovereignty, a topic I'm sure we won't fully understand until Heaven. When I talk about about our Welsey Daniel, who would also be about one month, I tend to use the words "Wesley should..." and Matt, my hubby, corrects me. You said it better..."If things had gone according to [my] plan..."

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  6. coffeegirlMarch 29, 2011 at 12:09 AM

    Hi Chad,
    If I could just say what an amazing Daddy I bet you were for the too-short time you had your amazing, beautiful daughter. I bet she knew your voice and took comfort in hearing you sing sweetly to her. A daddy who loved his Precious Angel before even meeting her... There are no words that could form a justifiable prayer for you and what you must be going through, but the Spirit knows and intercedes on our behalf. Many of us continue to pray for you, especially during those darker than "normal" moments, when our God lays you on our hearts...

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  7. ShertoysMarch 29, 2011 at 12:18 AM

    Such a precious little Angel...Life just is not fair. I think of you and your family quite often. Thank you again for sharing. Sending prayers always...please also send some to Sara's parents. ♥

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  8. Princess2701March 29, 2011 at 6:07 AM

    Dear Chad,

    I've never written to you but I've been following your blog religiously ever since I chance upon it on Facebook. No words can describe how sorry I am for your loss. Even though we don't share the same faith (I'm a Muslim), my heart breaks for you & the painful journey you have to take. Your experience have truly humbled me & remind me that nothing in this world is permanent. Married to my best friend, I am blessed with 2 wonderful children. Every moment spend with them has now taken a different meaning when I know halfway across the world, you are hurting and wishing that things have gone according to plan. I just want you to know that you're constantly in my thoughts & prayers.

    Kind regards,
    Yati
    Singapore

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  9. AnonymousMarch 29, 2011 at 7:42 AM

    Your words have touched me deeply and changed my life for the better. And still, I so wish that you were just a man across the state that I had never heard of, living your quiet life as a family. I continue to think of you often. I especially like the second photo. Thank you for sharing with us.

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  10. NinaMarch 29, 2011 at 8:17 AM

    Chad: you are an inspiration to all. You are in my thoughts and prayers that God will ease your pain. Fondly: NIna

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  11. LisetteMarch 29, 2011 at 2:40 PM

    In tears!
    Thank you for sharing Miranda, she is beautiful. Thinking of you always.

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  12. MissieMarch 29, 2011 at 4:01 PM

    Chad,
    I continue to think of you and your families daily. Continue to faithfully uphold all of you in my prayers. Miranda is GORGEOUS! Thanks for sharing her with all of us as well.

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  13. tootsierollMarch 29, 2011 at 4:33 PM

    The photos of Miranda are beautiful!! Glad that you at have them to remember her by. Praying and thinking of you daily. Thanks for sharing these with us.

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  14. AmberMarch 29, 2011 at 7:30 PM

    My husband always knows when I'm reading your blog. As he holds our 9 week old on his chest I am humbled beyond belief and my heart crumbles for the loss you're feeling (and I don't even know a small portion of what you feel). Praying for you to continue to heal. Hoping your what if's get easier with time and continued soul searching. Best regards.

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  15. MaloryMarch 29, 2011 at 8:13 PM

    The ifs can be so cruel.

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  16. AnonymousMarch 29, 2011 at 11:11 PM

    Thank you, Chad, for sharing your pain with us. And the photos of beautiful Miranda.

    I know we can't make the pain stop, or reverse the cruel unfairness, but know that there are lots of heart hoping and trying to absorb some of your pain, to help you just a little.

    My thoughts and prayers with you. You have opened my eyes and reminded me not to take a day for granted.

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  17. CameronMarch 30, 2011 at 12:23 AM

    I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face for your loss. You baby girl is beautiful. I can not even imagine what you are going through and yet, I religiously follow your blog because I keep praying that God will hold you in His hand and give you some peace and comfort. I pray for your continued healing and I know in my heart that Sara and Miranda are always beside you. I know they are constantly swapping the kisses that you send them. Please know I will not stop praying for you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us. Many hugs to you from WV....I hope you can feel all the love from those who know you and those who don't.

    Mary

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  18. heidimaniscalcoMarch 30, 2011 at 12:51 AM

    Again I find myself sobbing. I think I do this so if only for a moment you don't have to. Hold onto that feeling you had holding her. no matter if it were for 20 minutes, 20 hours, 20 days, or 20 years... it will always feel the same. Magical. You only hold your daughter for the first time once and you are so blessed to have done so.

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  19. ReneeMarch 30, 2011 at 12:29 PM

    Miranda is so beautiful and so perfect. I know that she recognized your voice and she loved it. She knows she is loved, that is what we all hope for our children. She was blessed to have you!

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  20. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 1:21 PM

    Continuing to pray for you each day. May you find peace and comfort in knowing that they are waiting for you in Heaven.
    Jennifer

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  21. lindsayMarch 30, 2011 at 3:14 PM

    "Where God tears great gaps we should not try to fill them with human words. They should remain open. Our only comfort is the God of the resurrection, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who also was and is (her) God." Dietrich Bonhoeffer, 1939
    Thinking of you often...

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  22. My BlogApril 2, 2011 at 1:00 PM

    I have lost a child and it is nothing I would wish on my worst enemy You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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  23. Sarah BethApril 3, 2011 at 8:34 PM

    Chad,
    Thank you for continuing to write. You are always in my prayers. Thank you also for sharing the photos of Miranda. She is gorgeous. And she still hears you sing.

    ~Sarah

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  24. CaseyApril 29, 2011 at 1:08 AM

    Chad, everytime I visit your page to "check on you" I know what to expect ... but my heart still breaks and I cry for you, with you. Your wife and daughter are beautiful and you WILL see them again. They will be just as beautiful and so ready to greet you in your new home, but God still has plans for you here.

    Love, hugs, and support - Casey

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  25. AnonymousMay 4, 2011 at 10:32 AM

    I just want you to know that my children and I have prayed for you every single night, in our bedtime prayers. They ask who the "Mr. Cole" is. I explained that he is someone who needs encouragement, strength and love.
    I am a friend of Amy Peterson. We will continue to pray... just know that because of your story, I take a little more time to play, to hold, and I work a little bit harder on my patience. It was important for me to let you know that your story and what happened, have stopped many people in their tracks to adjust and improve the way in which they parent their children and love their spouse. I am certain that you don't see the effect, in totality of this... Much love to you... Amber Hunter

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Thanks,
Chad

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