Saturday, April 2, 2011

56 days...

Dear Sara,

I often wonder if you notice the passage of time in Heaven? It’s been 8 weeks since you left here and I certainly notice, as do our families, but I can’t help but think that it doesn’t pass the same way for you as it does for us.

Each and every day still brings its mixed bag of emotions. Some days go by painfully slow while some evaporate before it feels the day has even started. I’ve reached a stage where your being going paints the whole day, whether short or long, in a light shade of grey. Grief can still catch me off guard with a strong wave, upending my emotional state, but more often I just feel neutral, slowly bobbing up and down between slightly happy and slightly sad.

I’ve been reading a daily devotional written especially for people who are grieving the loss of someone they love. This week I ran into my first daily reading that just felt like it was in the wrong place in the book. It felt like the wrong topic with the wrong advice at the wrong time. It was about saying goodbye to your loved one. The author wrote about the importance of saying goodbye as part of the healing process. They then encouraged the reader to write a goodbye letter to their loved one as part of the process of moving on. They did say that if I wasn’t ready to do that that I should bookmark the page and come back to it when I was ready. Saying goodbye at this point seems a little premature. I could probably say it, but I wouldn’t mean it. Maybe these letters are just a long goodbye.

I know I don’t need to say it, but it always feels like I do…I love you. I miss you. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.

Love,
Chad

14 comments:

  1. I just want to say that I continuously pray for your grief to be lifted. I have no other words of comfort, they would all pale in comparison to your pain, I'm sure. Just know that I am here, praying for you, every day.

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  2. Chad,
    Another beautiful picture of Sara, Each time I see one of her, I am amazed at her inner and outter beauty, how lucky you are to have her. I think the letter writing is a good idea. I wrote to my Father when he passed away so unexpectidly and I had such a hard time with it. Took them out to the cemetary and read them to him, was a great way for me to cope. Worth a try when and if you ever get ready.
    God holds you close and I continue to pray for you and Sara's family and yours too.

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  3. Thanks as always for sharing, Chad. I pray for you daily and send good thoughts from CO.

    Hugs -

    Kath

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  4. beautiful picture of a beautiful wife and mom.

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  5. Praying for God's peace to surround you this day and every day. May that 'gray' slowly fade out of your life and in it's place a new color, bright and beautiful.

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  6. I was doing the family grocery shopping at Meijer on Route 20 in Perrysburg, Ohio tonight, Chad. When I came to the peanut butter aisle, the strangest feeling came over me, but I couldn't figure out why. I quickly found the jar of Jif I always buy, but I continued to stand in front of the shelves, scanning and trying to figure out why I was drawn there. Then, I realized that I was looking for Nutella. I'm allergic to nuts. However, I really, really wanted to find at least a single jar of Nutella on the shelves with the hope that this one little thing might be corrected in your universe. I have to chuckle because at that moment in time I was certain that if "my" Meijer had Nutella, then "your" Meijer would have it, too. Please know that I closed my eyes and prayed for you in the peanut butter aisle tonight, asking God to hold you close and keep you safe as you journey through the days ahead.

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  7. So hard.. what you said a few days ago, about the grief being too big, and moving around in it and getting used to it somehow. I haven't lost a spouse or child, but did lost mom, dad, and brother.. and I found with them that you put one foot in front of the other, and one day I realized it had eased without knowing how it got to that point. Dear Chad, praying for you in the night time hours. From all the folks commenting I think someone is praying for you and your family most of the time, including Sara's folks, and your girls in heaven. God Bless you today.

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  8. Sending you lots of good thoughts today, Chad.

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  9. take care ~~~ visiting here with a smile ~~~

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  10. Thank you for sharing your blog with us, it is very touching and reminded me to be thankful.

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  11. Dear Chad, my sweetheart has been gone for almost four years, and I feel no need to say goodbye to him and never will. I have said good-bye to the special experiences we shared together, and at the same time I am so grateful for all those experiences. They gave me happiness, and they opened doors to new ways of thinking about life and myself.
    Send you and your family prayers every day--Judy

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  12. My thoughts and prayers are with you as always!! I hope that you can have a good day.

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  13. Just hoping today was a lighter shade of gray for you. Hugs.

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  14. Chad, you have been in my prayers every day since this accident. I just wanted you to know that you still are there. What beautiful pictures of your wife. I know she and Miranda and smiling down on you from heaven and when that day comes you go to meet them, it will be like you were never gone.

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Thanks,
Chad