The weeks seem to be going by a little faster now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. My mind sometimes has a hard time discerning how much time has passed. It still feels like it was just yesterday that we were together while at the same time feeling likes it’s been forever since I was able to hold you. The memory of your face and touch are so fresh while the reality of them falls farther and farther into my past.
I keep hearing the song God is God, by Steven Curtis Chapman, on the radio when I’m in the car. It was the first song I heard on the radio while I was driving from our home to your memorial service. I can still remember how the reality and finality of things was just really starting to sink in. I’m sure I’d heard the song before, but that day was the first day I really listened to it. The chorus ran through my head all day long that day.
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
It’s been running through my head frequently since then; it’s the truth that I have to hold on to whenever I start to question why the accident happened and why you and Miranda aren’t here enjoying our quiet life.
Your flowerbeds are all cleaned out, weeded, and mulched. They look so nice, but it doesn’t feel right knowing you’re not here to enjoy them or spruce them up and make them look beautiful. I’m still not sure what I should do with them in the long run. I don’t know the last thing about flowers and/or gardening. I just knew I needed to have them cleaned out and looking nice for this spring and summer.
I love you. I miss you. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.
Love,
Chad
PS - Stevie still misses you, too.
Dear Chad, I hope that you are soon able to look at the blooming buds of life as a welcome to spring something that Sara and Miranda loved...something beautiful like they are...I know it is hard to look at the new blooms and see the beauty in them the way you did before, maybe they are meant to be a new beauty, a new meaning, not persay a different one, but an added new one. I hope that in the days of spring that follow you will have some renewed feelings of ???? I am not even sure what I want you to have renewed feelings of, maybe peace...I just don't know what to say...I just want peace for you and your families....thinking of you all...
ReplyDeleteKimberly
Dear Chad, The pics you posted here of the flowers and Sara and Stevie are beautiful. As I read your letters I see so many of Sara's interests that are similar to my own. I have all of those flowers in my yard, and have been wondering how Stevie was doing. I wish I could have known Sara, even though I would have to grieve for her. Your love for her is so evident in your writing and the care you have shown for her flowers and Stevie and many other ways. Praying for comfort and much loving care for you and all who love you and Sara and Miranda.
ReplyDeleteChad,
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. Stevie looks so peaceful in Sara's arms. Ever since your post in March about how Stevie was wandering around the house crying out for Sara, I have been wondering how he is coping and adjusting.
I don't know you, but today I look at your beautiful wife and daughter and cry at the tremendous loss. The world is a little less beautiful without their presence.
You are in my thoughts today and every day. I may not comment often but I hold you high in my prayers. Sending strength and love your way.
Laura
Chad,
ReplyDeleteThe flowers are beautiful, and are a reminder of the love Sara had for the earth and flowers. Each flower in her garden is part of who she is, and makes you think of rainbows, rain and suns warmth. She is a beautiful person with a strong love for her family and you and Miranda. As you look at her flowers and things, it brings back what you had and that in itself is priceless. I just wonder, have you thought of planting a tree in Sara and Mirandas honor, as a memory tree? So many ways to keep her memory alive. The picture of Sara and Stevie shows what a loving, caring person she was, and I do imagine he misses her alot. You have so much going on, and we continue to keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
Laura said:
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful, wonderful tribute to Sara, that you are caring for her gardens. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Chad,
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I learned when I had a lose like yours is that there are many things to learn... I look at your pictures and they're amazing, beautiful... and if you still don't know that much about gardening, perhaps learning a little more about it will keep you close to Sara, and think that she would have liked it...
Dear Chad,
ReplyDeleteWe lost my sister to pancreatic cancer two weeks ago. She, too was a gardener, with herbs and flowers thriving under her blessed hands. It is hard to know how to most honor her gift with nature. At least for this year, I think we will nurture her gardens along.
I am convinced, however, that for my sweet sister Cindy, and for your lovely Sara and precious Miranda, that they are experiencing Heaven's perpetual Spring. I am convinced that Heaven only has one season; that of promise; new life refreshing constantly; a constant state of renewed anticipation and wonderful realization.
Blessings!
Chad,
ReplyDeleteI lost the love of my life almost 2 years ago, in fact it will be 2 years 5/29/11. Gardening was something my husband and I enjoyed together. He always told people that he loved beautiful things and that is why he married me.(even though I don't feel like I'm beautiful) My Pat went suddenly also. Here one minute gone the next. I have also wondered why God would allow something like this to happen to me, to our children. In the beginning I believed that it would never get better, now I would say that you get more acclimated to the loss rather than getting "over it". It took me a good year to be able to function at a what some would say a normal level. I struggle daily with missing him, with missing our life. We were suppose to grow old together. I pray the Lord will ease your grief. May God bless you on this new journey in your life.
Your post reminds me of a story:
ReplyDeleteOne of my adopted grandmas was lying in a hospital bed after having bilateral knee replacement. On top of this, she was in kidney failure and the doctors realized that they had to reverse the effects of the pain medication to preserve their function. They gave her a drug which immediately reversed the effects and her pain came back all at once. My dad (he's a pastor) was with her at the time and as tears streamed down her face she softly spoke these words,
"God has His reasons and I don't need to know why."
Her faith and story are encouraging to me and I wanted to share them with you. Know that you're being prayed for by many.
Thinking and praying for you. I never know quite what to pray for so I usually pray for you to feel at peace. And so, tonight, I pray that you'll feel the arms of the Father wrapped around you and that you would know peace.
ReplyDelete