Friday, September 16, 2011

In the stillness....

Dear Sara,

It's been over 7 months, but the quietness of the house has caught me off guard. I was just looking at some pictures of you and the stillness engulfed me. I can hear the clock, ticking away softly on the family room wall. I can hear the muted sound of traffic passing by on West Ave, even with all the windows closed.

It's what I don't hear tonight that has me unsettled. I don't hear you. I don't hear you sitting silently beside me while you read a book or work on the cross stitch you were creating from scratch, without a pattern. I don't hear your sewing machine humming away in the dining room. I don't hear the sound of the shower running as you get ready for bed each night. I don't hear the sound of Stevie purring as he basks in the attention you would have lavished on him. I don't hear the sound of your heart, as I lay my head on your chest, and snuggle into your embrace. I don't hear the sound of our little girl rustling in her crib, stirring from her nap, over the baby monitor. I don't hear her cries indicating she's hungry, or wet, or just being a baby. I don't hear the giggles and coo's that would most certainly have been echoing through our home on this quiet Friday evening.

It's what I don't hear that makes my heart hurt again and causes the tears to sting in my eyes. It's what I don't hear that makes me ask why? Why couldn't we have left home 1 minute sooner...or 1 minute later? Why didn't we change our minds and just stay home when that storm came out of nowhere? Why? I know I won't find any answers. Not in this quiet. Not in this world.

I'll turn the TV on in a little bit. The house won't be so quiet...but the stillness will echo loudly in my heart.

I love you.  I miss you.  Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.

Love,
Chad

10 comments:

  1. Chad, you are still in my heart and prayers. I often venture to your blog site to catch a glimpse of how you are doing, and it is always amazing to be pointed to God once again through your words. So very many have said it before, but what an amazing man you are. May you somehow have peace that can only come from Him, even 7 months later.

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  2. Chad, though (as I have written several times before) my loss isn't quite as bad as yours, I understand the lack of sounds being so difficult. I am used to sounds of two boys playing, fighting, laughing, talking. Even though I still have my husband and my other son, the house all too often seems too quiet and still. Huge hugs. :) I would like to say it gets easier and better...I am having one of those days where I have cried (literally) out to God and ask Him for relief. Chad, it will get better, but it will be a long time. God is with you, and He will get you through when it seems as though the pain will never subside. May I suggest again, if you haven't, to visit www.griefshare.org and see if there is a church near you with a GS group? It was so helpful to me, and now that we've crossed the one year since losing Ethan, I am feeling the need to go back to GS again. I will pause and pray for you. God bless.

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  3. Chad, also wanted to add that you once we get to Heaven, the why's of our tragedies will no longer matter. I apologize if this isn't comforting for you. But it's been comforting to me to know that when I see Jesus face to face, there will be no more tears/fears, but only happiness...and as a huge bonus, I will see my son again! This gives me great hope. I pray that one day you will be able to (if you haven't already) find peace in the future of Eternity with sweet Sara and sweet Miranda. It's in the waiting in this world (in which isn't our real home) that it's so tough. My heart really hurts for you.

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  4. It's so hard not to ask why. I'm so thankful your hope is found in Him. I'm praying for you tonight.

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  5. Today, I was feeling quite sorry for myself... My husband ...my sweet friend... has been forced by this economy we are in to work far away from us. I stumbled upon this blog and it reminded me to count my blessings. May God hold you under the shadow of His wing and may He continue to be your refuge and strength.

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  6. I just wanted to send you a hug.. as I sit here reading your blog I don't remember how I came across it just know that I did and my heart aches for you loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers always.

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  7. Chad,
    I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers!! I can't imagine what you feel or think, but I know you are an amazing person with a gift to open your heart and share it with others. Thank you!!

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  8. I found your blog last night, and I found myself reading it from beginning to end. I just wanted to reach out and let you know that my thoughts are with you. Thank you for sharing your story.

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Thanks,
Chad