Sunday, February 5, 2012

The worst day...

Dear Sara,

It’s been one year…

…I remember those first few months…vividly…

Staring into the bathroom mirror…not recognizing the man staring back at me. Curling up in a ball on our bed, the family room floor, or wherever I might just happen to be, and crying…and hurting…physical pain and anguish that just can’t be described in words. I can still hear sounds that I know came out of my mouth, echoing in my head, but they are not sounds I could reproduce today…and I wouldn’t want to hear them coming from anyone else either.

A day came when I woke up and smiled…I cried because it made me feel so bad. Another day came and I laughed…out loud…and I cried because it made me feel so bad. A day came when I heard myself respond to a casual “have a nice day” with “you, too” instead of stone cold silence…and I cried because it made me feel so bad. Moving forward meant moving farther away from “us.”

It’s been one year…

…I’m not the man I was when I looked into the mirror that last morning. I never will be. I have to be a new man, a different man. I may look the same on the outside, but the inside has been completely rearranged.

I wake up most days and smile now…most of the time. I laugh without crying…most of the time. The polite phrases of society roll off my tongue without a second thought these days...most of the time.

I haven’t forgotten…I’ll never forget. I remember. I remember the good times, the laughter, the love, and the shared joy. I remember the good things, even when the bad things are right there in front of my mind’s eye.

It’s been one year since the worst day of my life. One year since I held your hand and listened as the doctors and nurses said they’d done all they could. One year since I last kissed your lips, since I last held your hand to my face, and said goodbye.

 I love you. I miss you. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.

Love,
Chad

12 comments:

  1. Chad~ Thinking of you today...May you feel God's {Peace & Strength}...♥

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  2. So proud of you! You've made it! Well, this far. I know Sara & Miranda are unbelievably proud of you, too. You're an amazing man.

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  3. My thoughts and prayers are with you today. I wish life wasn't so cruel. May you find peace today knowing that you and your family have touched the hearts of many and that Sara's life legacy lives on. God Bless you and thank you for always being so truthful in your post.

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  4. God will be your strength for the rest of your life as He has been this past year. I am so sorry for your pain.

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  5. Thinking of you and praying for you today as you face the 1 year mark. Thank you for sharing part of your life with all of us, and being open and honest. God is the strength in your life that is helping you through, and that is so evident in your posts.

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  6. I wish no one had to experience such anguish. Thinking of you!

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  7. May the Lord's love and mercy shine upon you today and always. You've come a long way, and yes, still have a long way to go. You are victorious because you have the Lord. Thinking of and praying for you. Keep writing. You won't ever regret keeping a journal of your grief journey, and you are witnessing and helping others. God bless you!

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  8. Praying for comfort for you Chad.

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  9. The first thing I thought about this morning when I woke up was you. Knowing it was the anniversary of losing the love of your life, your sweet Sara. Although you have made it through the year of all the "firsts", the pain will go on. It will appear still when you least expect it, and maybe even appear in a method or way you wouldn't expect. Life as you know it now though, will continue to get better and a little easier everyday. The Lord has been there next to you every moment since that fateful accident. There have been times that he has also carried you. However you need him, to either walk with you, or carry you, he will continue to be there. Your friends and family will be too. You have been in my thoughts and prayers on a daily basis for the last year, and I will continue to keep you there.

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  10. Chad,
    I want you to know that even after a year that I am still thinking and praying for you every single day.

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  11. I find it so hard to believe that a year has passed, I stop by often and read. I hope that the day was peaceful and full of memories, as well as heartbreaking too

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Thanks,
Chad