Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Woof, woof...

Dear God,

I’m standing in the peanut butter aisle at Meijer. My feet are frozen to the floor. I came here for one thing, Nutella, and they’re all out. To make matters worse, it’s on sale (which is probably the reason it’s all gone.) All I wanted was a jar of Nutella and the shelf is empty.

Then it hits me, like Mike Tyson’s fist into my gut, I’m all out of Sara and Miranda. The shelf is bare. All that’s left is the yellow tag proclaiming “Grief – 2 for 1 sale!” Meijer will restock that shelf with Nutella tonight…my Sara and Miranda shelf will still be empty come tomorrow morning. “Sorry, we’re all out of that product…I think they stopped making it a little while ago.

People say I should be angry with you. I’ll admit, there are times when I wonder why I’m not. What I do feel makes me feel more like a dog, one that’s been beaten by the neighborhood bully. A dog that sits quietly at his master’s side, bruised, sore, and wondering why his master didn’t stop the bully. The master is a big man; he could stop the bully any time he wanted. Yet, it seems the bully is allowed to kick all the dogs he feels like kicking whenever he feels like it. Maybe I am angry, but just not an angry that I recognize.

I cried all the way home from the store. A little bit out of grief, more because I’m tired. I’m tired of the sadness. I’m tired of missing them. I’m tired of asking questions that don’t get answered and won’t get answered. I’m tired of feeling blank and aimless. I know these are all things that will pass, over time, but I’m tired now.

I don’t subscribe to the thought that you took my girls away from me. I don’t think that was your plan, even though you knew it was going to happen. I sticking to the theory that just because you know all, doesn’t mean that it’s all part of your plan. I only question why you allowed them to be taken. You could have stopped that truck. You could have diverted that storm. You could have protected them, even if you didn’t stop the truck. You could have made one of us sick, so we didn’t even leave home. I have questions I don’t believe you can answer, not in a way that I’ll understand, not until I get to Heaven, and then the answers won’t really matter any more, will they? I believe you were there welcoming them into Heaven, but that’s not the same as taking them from me.

All I wanted was some Nutella, I left the store with a lot more than I’d bargained for…and a lot less.

All I ask it that you be careful when you pet me, that bully kicks pretty hard.

I miss Sara. I miss Miranda. Please give them a hug and a kiss from me.

Love(?),
Chad

33 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness...

    God, Sara, and Miranda are all so proud of you right now.

    And I'm so tired for you. I know just what you mean.

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  2. Chad,
    Your wisdom and faith are constantly inspiring.
    Derek

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  3. Chad, we don't know each other and I have been hesitant to comment because I really have no words but you are constantly in my prayers. That is a beautiful picture of your Sara. Your letter to God is beautifully honest. I truly believe that he is okay with your moments of anger just as I know you would have patiently guided Miranda through her moments of anger in this life.

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  4. What a beautiful lady! With a beautiful little girl in her cute belly. The pictures you posted of Miranda the other day were just so beautiful. She totally looks like you in the black and white one where you are holding her. My heart breaks for you every time I read your words.
    My first thought when I saw the title was that you had gotten a puppy!
    I hope you can smile today.

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  5. Chad,
    I attend a local Bible Study Fellowship in the GR area and we are studying the book of Isaiah right now, and I know that it has profoundly affected me...I encourage you to break out your Bible and read through this book and hold strong to the truths there!

    I continue to remember you and your family in my thoughts and prayers daily. I too am tired for you, and my heart aches for you and what you've gone through. Praying that those wounds will heal.

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  6. Chad,I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain, to make things better, to make things how they should be...this is a song that I listen to when I am having a tough time...

    If Today Was Your Last Day (Nickelback)
    My best friend gave me the best advice
    He said each day's a gift and not a given right
    Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
    And try to take the path less traveled by
    That first step you take is the longest stride

    If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
    Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
    Would you live each moment like your last
    Leave old pictures in the past?
    Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
    What if, what if, if today was your last day?

    Against the grain should be a way of life
    What's worth the price is always worth the fight
    Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
    So live like you're never living twice
    Don't take the free ride in your own life

    If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
    Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
    Would you live each moment like your last?
    Leave old pictures in the past?
    Donate every dime you had?

    And would you call those friends you never see?
    Reminisce old memories?
    [From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/n/nickelback-lyrics/if-today-was-your-last-day-lyrics.html ]
    Would you forgive your enemies?
    And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
    Swear up and down to God above
    That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

    If today was your last day
    Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
    You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
    Regardless of who you are

    So do whatever it takes
    'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
    Let nothing stand in your way
    'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

    If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
    Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
    Would you live each moment like your last?
    Leave old pictures in the past?
    Donate every dime you had?

    And would you call those friends you never see?
    Reminisce old memories?
    Would you forgive your enemies?
    And would you find that one you're dreaming of
    Swear up and down to God above
    That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

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  7. Chad, You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
    Fellow rider,
    Robyn

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  8. Dear Chad,
    Praying that you are carried through and that God understands.. He lost the one he loved too. I do believe he understands our grief through having lost His son. Blessings to you today.

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  9. First comment ever..... but I've been along, following since Miranda was in the hopsital. Frantically hitting refresh waiting for your friend to update the night you were saying goodbye to your tiny girl.

    I've been here~ without words. I left words once, I was one of thousands of prayers that guided Miranda to heaven. The posts were so fast, every minute there were more. My words disappeared.

    This picture is gorgeous. Sara was a beautiful woman, and from the sounds, inside & out. I can't get over this photo. The shape of her pregnant belly. Its incredible... ad so full of life.

    I've wished so many times I could hit a rewind button for you. Its so unfair, and all wrong. Its all wrong & I'm so sorry.

    You amaze me. Your strength, lended to you by God is admirable. Your ability to be rational. Your ability to cling to the rock so tightly and strongly.

    I know how often you must feel "alone" but you never are. God above, your friends & family & us "out here" who haven't yet said a word.....

    You're inspiring. Thank you for sharing so much with us.... it helps me in a way. Not that it makes it any better....

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  10. Dear Chad,
    I have been following your blog since the day of the accident. My heart aches for you. I cannot imagine the pain you feel. You are a strong man and it shows by your writing. I have read every post you have written and almost all of them make me cry. I wish I had words to comfort you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Sincerely,
    Melissa P

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  11. You continue to amaze me, and stay in my thoughts and prayers constantly!

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  12. Chad,
    What words you write, absolutley beautiful. Sara was so pretty, and this picture of her so acturite with the smile. No wonder Miranda was so pretty, she took after her Mom. Thank you for sharing again your deep feelings. Someday acceptence will come and you will be a much better person for having gone through what you have. Sending you prayers and Gods light.....

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  13. Chad:

    Hold Me Jesus by Rich Mullins plays in my head as I read your blog:

    Well, sometimes my life
    Just don't make sense at all
    When the mountains look so big
    And my faith just seems so small

    So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
    You have been King of my glory
    Won't You be my Prince of Peace

    And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
    It's so hot inside my soul
    I swear there must be blisters on my heart

    So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
    You have been King of my glory
    Won't You be my Prince of Peace

    Surrender don't come natural to me
    I'd rather fight You for something
    I don't really want
    Than to take what You give that I need
    And I've beat my head against so many walls
    Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

    And this Salvation Army band
    Is playing this hymn
    And Your grace rings out so deep
    It makes my resistance seem so thin

    So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
    You have been King of my glory
    Won't You be my Prince of Peace

    You have been King of my glory
    Won't You be my Prince of Peace

    ~Praying for His peace to envelop you~

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  14. I share Leigha Jane's sentiments....and like Jenny I hope you smile today :)

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  15. Oh, Chad - Praying God gives you whatever you need to face the day today: strength, support, laughter, peace, encouragement... and that He provides it at precisely the right moment.

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  16. Chad,
    Once again, I am completely moved by your words and by your life. I think of you and your wife and daughter every day. I have cried for your loss a 100x.
    And I just wanted you to know that I made a donation to a local Feed My Hungry Children event today in Honor of Miranda. Your special little angel is on my mind always.

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  17. Praying for strength and peace for you.
    What a beautiful picture! ((HUGS))

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  18. Chad,

    I have been following your story since day 1. I myself have lost a loved one to an automobile accident, my brother Colby was killed the day after Christmas 16 years ago. We just celebrated what would have been his 32nd birthday, his 16th in heaven..... Yesterday I heard a song on the radio that really hit home, and brought tears to my eyes.... I want to share it with you and hope you get from it what I did, I will continue to pray for you and your family.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uZ4VR-l1xw

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  19. My heart aches for your loss. I want you to know that God is there, He is sad with you. I know it is hard to understand but trust. Someone explained suffering to me once in that God doesn't make bad things happen but He does allow them and that he suffers alongside of those who have been hurt. Prayers for you.

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  20. Chad,
    My heart aches for you. I wish I had the words to make you feel better. But alas, I do not. So for now, I will continue to pray for you and for his peace to surround you.
    In Him,
    Jennifer

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  21. I have left you several messages over the past few weeks, and I am drawn to leave you another. Your pain, your anguish, your tiredness, your grief, has been felt by others, by thousands. I know that it is not even close to the extent that you feel it all, there is no way that it could be. Time helps make things better, and easier, but the hurt and loneliness and wondering will NEVER go away, it just helps make it better. I lost a child a few minutes after he was born, that was 13 years ago, and it still hurts. You lost more than that. The biggest difference is that your loss has affected thousands, and I do believe it was part of God's plan. He uses people and experiences to do his work. He needs them as a vessel to continue his work. It will not make your pain any less, but if you consider the fact that because of your loss, however tragic, has ministered to others, that maybe have forgotten how the Lord is Almighty, or have never known. Your eloquence and words have ministered to thousands who maybe have never heard about the LOVE of Christ. Your ending with Love (?) may show a wavering of faith however small. My prayer for you is that with time your faith in Christ continues to stay strong. He is the answer to all problems, just not necessarily the answer that we as humans want. I for one, need to say THANK YOU, to YOU for relighting the dim light that I have had for many years regarding my relationship with the Lord. As I am sure that has affected thousands in the same way. Sara and Miranda have been used by the Lord for HIS plan. I just pray that you will in time begin to heal, and your faith in the Lord continues to grow.

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  22. Chad:

    Prayed for you on my way to work this morning.

    Has anyone brought you any Nutella? I was going to stop by with some (I am friends with the Bartons, which is why I happen to know where you live), but I was afraid you'd have a case by now.

    You remain in my thoughts and prayers...

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  23. -C

    Yes! Liz brought me a Nutella snack pack. They also had it at Kroger.

    Thanks,
    Chad

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  24. Chad; What a beautiful picture of Sara, so happy and full of life. I am praying for you and your family daily and hope that you hAve a better day. Your blog is an inspiration to everyone, you have touched so many lives with your thoughts. A big hug from Boston. Nina

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  25. Dear Chad:
    I have been watching and following along with your blog almost daily. Iam continuning to pray for God's peace and love to just permeate you. My prayer is that your experiences may cause other people to turn to the Living Lord. Iam so sorry for your losses and will continue to pray for you daily. For Him Judy

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  26. Chad, I am praying for you today. I am touched with enormous sypmathy for you...and though I don't understand what you are facing, I am praying that God gives you strength. I am praying that He wraps you in a big "heavenly hug" today and that he gives you a brand new reason to live.

    Prayers,
    Jamie

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  27. Chad,
    Thanks for keeping on posting your thoughts. It really helps us who wonder how a young man, like yourself makes it day to day with what he has been dealt. We worry about you, and pray for you continuously, know that Chad.
    I am so thankful that you can honestly express your feelings to God. He is the only thing that will get you through this great tragedy in your life. How I couldn't say, or even guess but I do absolutely, know he will carry you through if you continue to trust in him as you do and have been doing.
    Life has to suck for you now, and I am praying the he will give you strength to see it through.

    You are loved Chad, by us, who barely knew you and that much more, by those who do.
    You have a tremendous gift of words, and I believe, God will allow you to use them, for you and for others.
    Keep seeking his will for your life,

    Blessings to you Chad,
    Sincerely,
    Karen Knechtel

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  28. Chad just wanted to let you know that I am still praying for you.

    Melissa

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  29. Chad, I love the picture of Sara !

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  30. The people that say you should be mad at god for what you have gone through should be sad for themselves to even say such a thing. The fact that you have such faith is what keeps you and people who have faith going. When I lost my son in 2002 I did lose faith until about 3+ yrs later and I praise you so much for keeping your faith. Who knows I might have healed a bit faster having that faith. You can ask a million if's and why's but honestly the answer will never come in the terms that one can ask another person. Nine years later I realize now why my son was taken maybe 10% and I understand what had to be done to secure my future for what was to come. That path at that time was not the right path for me and even though it might have looked that way and been so happy for it to be going the way it did. Truly it wasn't. I miss my son all the time. Less today than back then but he will always be in my thoughts and prayers. Keep believing and knowing one day peace will come and your future will continue and you will go on in whatever path is destined for you! For now you are doing great with your grief (even if it doesn't feel like it). And remember its ok to have happy times, its ok to feel tired of being sad. Allow yourself to have good moments with the bad! Its all apart of the healing process! Praying for you!
    Hugs
    heather

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  31. Hi Chad,
    I continue to pray for you each day. I ask God to be with you during this dark time in your life. To wrap his arms around you, to allow you to feel his love, his strength as you go through this time.
    I lost my brother, sister-in-law and two neices in 1982. One day they were alive and happy, the next they were missing. A month later all bodies had been found. I never, ever felt angry at God. Why? Because for him to have stopped their death would have meant loss of choice. It was my brother's and Alice's choice to go to that lake that day. It was someone elses choice to take their life.
    People made a choice that day to drive in snowy weather, maybe not listen to the weather forecast or other decisions that all impacted the outcome. Your family, the truck driver, other drivers. For God to step in, to make someone sick, etc. would have taken choice away. He doesn't do that Chad. Unfortunately, we don't have vision that sees what the outcome of our decisions will be. We only have hindsight. But God is there when you need him, you are not walking alone.

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  32. Totally agree with Kathy God gave us free will! Its not his fault we all use it.....

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  33. Hi Chad,

    I found your blog through another blog I read about baking. A reader of your blog had mentioned it in the comments section -- the Internet is a funny thing, huh?

    I think that your thoughts on "God's plan" make a lot of sense, as do your questions. What you said and what the commenter Kathy said before me (about free will) reminds me of the book "The Shack."

    I just wanted to reiterate what someone already commented: Praying God gives you whatever you need to face the day today: strength, support, laughter, peace, encouragement... and that He provides it at precisely the right moment.

    Andrea

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Thank you for reading my blog. Comments must be approved before they are posted. I try to approve comments several times throughout the day.

Thanks,
Chad