In just a few short hours we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Knowing that you are celebrating and worshipping in Heaven brings a sense of joy, even in the midst of losing you. We celebrate the very thing that will ultimately allow us to join you some day. The precedent has been set. Death wins…temporarily. One day, it will be defeated. Until then, we suffer the pain and consequence of original sin, the breaking of a perfect communion. Even in the midst of pining for a different outcome, to a past I can’t change, I recognize how inappropriate it would be for God to take you from where you are now, experiencing the things you’re experiencing, and put you back in a position where you would one day have to die again. C.S. Lewis was right in asking if Lazarus hadn’t really gotten the raw end of that deal; having to die not once, as apportioned to all mankind, but twice.
I can’t help wondering what you would have made for Miranda to wear to church on this special day. I have no doubt it would have been a beautiful homemade dress, it leaves an empty feeling knowing none of us get to see her in it.
It’s hard to believe we’re only 14 days away from being ¼ of the way through the first year of your being gone. I still experience, and am acutely aware of, the mystery of the passage of time. Some days seem to pass so slowly. Some days it feels like the accident just happened. And yet, I look at the calendar and realize that almost 3 months have passed. I also still experience days when I look in the mirror and think, if only for a moment, who is this man staring back at me? I’m not the man I was, I’m not the man you knew…I am, but I’m not.
I recognize the seeds of acceptance being sown in my heart. I also recognize that acceptance does not having anything to do with moving past the hurt or getting over it. Acceptance is just what it is, acceptance. Accepting that you're gone doesn’t mean my heart won’t hurt, but it can, and does, put that hurt in a different light. I recognize that it's part of a natural progression, one that I know you would have wanted to happen.
“He is not here: for he is risen, as he said.” – Matthew 28:6
He is risen! He is risen, indeed!
I love you. I miss you. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.
Love,
Chad
I have been following your blog for months and have never commented until today..I have hurt for you, cried and prayed..BUt today I will rejoice knowing you know the LORd and you are assured HE AROSE..That gives us the blessed assurance that one day we will all be reunited with our loved ones. It does not remove the emptiness here on Earth...But rest assured God cont to hear your cries,questions and hurts...He is the comforting you. Read Isaiah 43 1-3
ReplyDeleteI like what you have to say about acceptance. It's been almost 4 years for me since my husband passed away and I like you am amazed at how time is a strange thing, in some ways it feels like he was just here...in others I've lived a lot of life since he's been gone. And I'm not the person I was either. I do know this. I have no desire to bring him back but every desire for me to go. I never craved heaven like I do now when he was alive.
ReplyDeleteHappy Easter to you Chad. We do not grieve as those who have no hope,
Ruth
It's 5am here where I am. I have been glued to your blog since I read about Sara and mirandas passing. Oddly enough I was actually on the same road the night of the accedent. Had a few scares my self, but made it out just fine. I wish I had some magic words of wisdom, but I don't. Time heals, and until that day arrives when you can look at sara's picture and think only of the wonderful time you had with her, I will pray for you. Happy Easter Chad, say hello to Miranda and Sara for me.
ReplyDeleteHappy Easter Chad! I know that your girls are looking down and smiling on you today and always! I wonder what the celebration in Heaven is like? It's a glorious thought to know that someday we, as believers will get to experience it as well!! For now, know that I continue to uphold you in prayer. Thanks for writing, you are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteYour letters to Sarah and Miranda are so beautiful. I've had those moments of looking in the mirror too....staring at the person reflected, but not really recognizing her.
ReplyDeleteChad, you sound like you are doing better. :o) As you know, there are good and challenging days in this grief journey. Some days where it starts good and ends bad, and vice versa. Thank you for writing this! I needed to hear it on this day, where I am very sad and missing my son so very much. It has been 10 months since Ethan met Jesus. I like your perspective, and cannot agree more that our loved ones are in a better place, and are celebrating on this Resurrection day! Thank you for this reminder, as I have needed it as I mourn for Ethan. God bless you faithful servant to our Saviour!
ReplyDeleteAt Mass this morning, Chad, the priest preached on how Jesus settled all debts when he died for us on the cross, in effect allowing us to celebrate the hope of Resurrection Day. At one point in his sermon, Father spoke of death as a mere transition to the life awaiting us -- the life we are meant to live -- after our earthly life is over. I have lived many years on this earth, and I have experienced "dry spell" times of uncertainty and doubt. Today, for some reason, the truth of the priest's words resonated within me, and of this I am certain: You will see your Sara and your Miranda again. Your life, your appearance, and who you are may be very different from what is now when that day comes. But, they WILL know you and they will draw you to them in perfect love. May God continue to bless you with reasons to keep living and hope to sustain you at those times when your heart is the heaviest!
ReplyDeleteStill thinking of you and praying for you and your families. These letters to Sara and Miranda are wonderful. I hope that you had a wonderful Easter and I am sure that you can imagine what beautiful dress that Sara would have made for Miranda to wear.
ReplyDeletei know a little something about your pain, chad. i have not lost a spouse in a tragic accident, but a 10 year old son. ( killed in an auto accident in nov. 2004) it is different, i know...but so much the same. we both lost people who were so close to, lived daily life with, couldn't/can't imagine life without. in nov. it will be 7 years my eli has been in heaven and there hasn't been a day in those 7 years i haven't missed him. i can talk about him and remember him without tears and heartache most days, but there are days where my heart literally hurts with the pain of loss. eli accepted the Lord Jesus christ as his Saviour when he was 7 so i know he is in heaven today and that i will see him again someday. you are in my thoughts and prayers...
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that my wife and I are praying for you.
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