I'm on the road, down south right now. Spending my nights in hotels and motels; the beds feel too big, and empty, without you by my side.
I'm finding myself having more better days now. I still think about you and Miranda almost non-stop. It still hurts, and probably always will, but the pain is muted, like a burn. You can always feel it, but it doesn't prevent you from going about your daily life. There are occasional spikes when something rubs or presses against the raw spot, but even that sharp inflection soon mellows into a dull hum.
I've got my SPF 100+ with me. I'm trying hard to remember to use it regularly. This southern sun will surely test it's limits. :) Thanks for always worrying about me and instilling the habit of remembering to put it on.
I love you. I miss you. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.
Love,
Chad
you have described grief very well, it's not that the hurt ever goes away, but you learn to keep moving forward through the pain....hoping your journey brings healing....
ReplyDeleteThanks Chad.For being transparent.So few are willing.It refreshes me to meet one who does it.I continue to pray for you,and have since the night you posted your story on facebook.
ReplyDeleteYou have to learn about grief,and you are doing just that.It has to be gone through,and not avoided.Despite how badly it hurts to do.
I,as you,have no idea why this has happened or what lies ahead for you.
But I have appreciated your sharing of the process you are going through.And the candidness of feelings you have written,that have touched my heart and many others now.Because then more people get to find out they are human,and the expectations we tend to put on ourself and others,seem to go against that more.
I have also appreciated the pictures you have posted.Sara looks knowable in them all.
It makes me realize that I have few of myself to leave to anyone.And I should change that.Its just a laziness,and fear that made that happen.
As long as you write this,I will read it.In fact,I think you could pull off a book one day,because you are very good at getting feelings across with words.At least that I know of.Its a thought. :)
Even if you do one on another subject one day instead,I'd love to read it.I have always journalled,but probably would be afraid to share it as boldly.Though I am transparent as much as possible.
We all go through different hurts and pains in life.You can't compare them at all.Because everyone is different.I try not to rate one as worse than another.
Just as we get different blessings.And it can be hard to find the blessings at times.But it will return to you in your time.Take your time in it,not what you have been told the time frame is.
I think travelling is a great idea for you too.It seems to help in other types of things we go through.Sometimes.
I love to see God at work.Its not like I always can.But for some reason,I do in your life.And I know this may sound selfish in some ways,but I don't mean it that way at all.But I think,if you have an opportunity to learn about some of these hard things of life we will all experience in one way or another--from a distance,do it.It will be up close soon enough.(not to sound like doom there) But reality checks are uncomfortable for a reason.Its why we watch some of the movies we do.It won't prepare you for what you can't even imagine.But it will at least help you be more aware of what to expect or not for some of it.Grief is under dealt with in our country really.I really think it teaches you alot about dealing with anybody,and life too.But we all wish it didn't have to be this way--that there is death--even God.Knowing that He grieves with you is probably one of the most suprising parts,in some ways.Reading Phillip Yancey books can also be of as much help for you as the C.S.Lewis books.Just not directly about grief.Disappointment with God reminds you of who He is when its hard to recenter yourself.One of my favorite books is The Jesus I never knew by P.Y. too.
But we all get fed by different sources and are in different places,so they may not be for you at all.But maybe someone else who actually reads long winded responses. ;)
I will continue to keep you in my prayers each time I think of you.And really,I do appreciate what you have given to me during this painful time in your life.(even though that sounds kind of bad) Just thanks for being real!!
mechelle h. :o)
God Bless your journey - locational and internal.
ReplyDeleteThe journey continues... with its ups and downs... remember to remember...that always helps...
ReplyDeletechad - you don't know me...i'm a friend of a friend of a friend of yours....but my heart has been breaking for/with you and i've been praying for you the past few months. you've probably heard this song - but on the off chance that you haven't, i wanted to share it with you. http://youtu.be/1CSVqHcdhXQ (sorry it's not a link, i guess you can just copy and paste).
ReplyDeletei'm so thankful this is not our home...you will see your wife and daughter again. hallelujah! until then, may God's grace and peace and extreme patience be yours in abundance. my His mercies, His presence, His love be evident to you...to all of us.
Not sure what part of the south you are off to, but if you find yourself in VA there are prayers and hugs for you here!
ReplyDeleteBeth
Bless you for continuing to share with us.
ReplyDeleteSafe travels my friend, and God always be with you. Just keep in mind that the pacific north west is AMAZING this time of year, and rain is slowing!!!
ReplyDeleteHi Chad - I have been reading your blog and I just wanted to say I am so very sorry for your loss and I am praying for you. I think you are amazing. Your strenght, courage and faith just blow me away. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteChad,
ReplyDeleteIts great to see you out and about. Hard as it is to do, you are moving out of your grief and not letting it own you as much. You have to move forward, baby steps sometimes, but to stay in the grief too long is to deny Sara and Miranda are. Another great picture of Sara, I think shes such a beautiful woman, and how much she loved you, great memories and sharing there.
Ride, do things that you enjoy, Sara will always be with you, Miranda too, and you know Sara and the baby want you to be happy. Ride safe, and remember Sara and baby are with you always. Working threw the pain is really hard, but each day gets easier.