Today was a difficult day. I’ll spare you the details, but it was a stark display of how far apart my head and my heart are. I’ve had so many “better” days recently that I just wasn’t prepared for today. Even though I think about you and Miranda all the time, I'm finding that the hard grieving is coming is shorter bursts, with more time in between them. I'm also finding that the tears that constantly filled my eyes just a few weeks ago have receded, they still come out regularly, but only when called upon as certain instances in my day bring them out.
My head (that logical part of me that sees reason, understands how the world works, etc.) knows that you and Miranda are gone and nothing will change that. My head says that life will go on. My head says that things will be OK. My head says that I may even find happiness with someone else some day. My head allows me to deal with the world, because it’s still turning. The sun still comes up in the east every morning and sets in the west every night.
My heart is so very far behind my head…
My heart wants you back. My heart wants the things that my head is telling it I can’t have. My heart shrieks loudly when my head tries to console it with thoughts that the future will be OK. My heart punches back with furious anger when my head tries to reason that life will go on and that I may eventually find happiness again with someone else. My heart doesn’t want anyone else. My heart wants you.
It was my heart that sent shouts of guilt to my head around three in the afternoon on Saturday when I realized I’d been enjoying my motorcycle ride for about four hours and still had almost three hours left before I’d be home. It was my head that reminded my heart you weren’t at home waiting jealously/patiently for me to return and spend time with you. My heart didn't fight back, but it hurt a little.
I wonder if my heart will ever get to where my head is? I tend to think that it may get close, but never all the way. You and Miranda will always occupy a quiet little spot there, no matter how far it moves forward in this process…and that’s probably the way it’s supposed to be. The way God intended it to be.
I love you. I miss you. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.
Love,
Chad
Dear Chad,
ReplyDeleteI have been totally touched by your writings concerning your tragic loss of your bestfriend and daughter. The grieving process can take different routes and it also takes time. Allow yourself to grieve and take one day at a time. You will feel all sort of raw emotions. I lost my 3 month old son, Alexander, and I can relate a little to the loss you feel.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Ruth
Dear Chad, You are someday going to be one that has touched my life like no other. Thank you for sharing. Bless your heart. I was 13 weeks pregnant 22 years ago when my baby died. I hope you can feel our hugs. Praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteChad, mY heart was close to your heart today.
ReplyDeleteI've had a busy week at school, enjoyed lots of sunshine outside, and moved about in a "normal" fashion.
Then tonight on the way home from school a song I don't really know started playing -- lamenting -- "what I wanted, I had all the time." The loss welled up in my soul, the tears fell down. It's still hard to believe even in my head. My heart, I just try to stay away from the thought.
Love, Mom
Chad,
ReplyDeleteHugs going out to you. I keep you in my prayers.
Rob 61
VR
Good morning Chad,
ReplyDeleteAnother wonderful picture of Sara, she is so pretty !
Heart and brain, both pushing memories towards you, heart says one thing, head another, so whom do you listen to. Guess both cause both are guiding you right now, heart says I miss them, head says I cant touch them. You tuck away as many memories as you can, to go back and find comfort in when you need them, I really think to deny the feelings is to deny Sara and Miranda ever "were", follow your heart, feel the pain, find glory in Sara's ways, the wonder of Miranda stop and remember why you love Sara and Miranda so much. All these are what Sara has taught you and made you what you are today. And I find you a very caring compasionate person I admire and respect
Thanks for all you share.
Chad,
ReplyDeleteBeautiful tributes you write to your lovely wife and daughter.
Your heart will always have a hole in it from your loss. Your head will always have thoughts and visions of each one of them in it.
Go with your heart, follow your head.
Anyone who has experienced a death of a loved one will tell you it takes a long time to feel normal. I remember pulling over on the side of the road 2 years after my mother died and just sitting there for 10 minutes bawling my eyes out. I asked God when I was going to be able to "live" my life again. Finally, one day I realized I was only existing and needed to start living. The way to honor those who have preceded us is to talk about them and the things they said, did or loved and that way you keep them alive.
You will never forget them, never stop loving them and nothing - absolutely nothing - will fill that void in your heart.
You just know someday you will be in their presence again.
Sending you hugs and knowing you will climb the mountain everyday and one of these days reach the top.
Thank you so much for sharing your family with us in your blog. You, too, are very special!!!
I think it is normal to feel the way you do. When I first read your story I found myself asking "why did this happen?", it is incomprehensible for any human to understand. It is a true testament to your faith and to your strength to know that you will never know why, but trust that God knows and that he loves you and cares for you. I hope someday that you will find happiness again. I feel that in this life, your role as husband and father has not been completely fulfilled. No one could ever replace Sara or Miranda, or ever make you forget them. They will forever be your wife and daughter, and I believe they are hoping you get a chance to be happy and full of joy and promise again.
ReplyDeleteChad, I've been following your story ever since Sanctus Real posted the blog and story of the accident on their facebook page. I have lamented with you, though of course not in the same way. You and Sara have an absolutely beautiful love story, one that is paralleled only by fairy tales. You were certainly blessed to have such a beautiful wife, on the inside and out, as well as a gorgeous baby girl.
ReplyDeleteI know it isn't much consolation right now, but I am praying for you and your family.
Also, could I suggest a book. It's a novel. The Walk by Richard Paul Evans. I think you could relate to it...and it might give you some encouragement.
Keep writing. It's touching more lives than you know.
I have gained so much insight from reading your posts. You see, we lost our 16 yr old g/son in Sept, after 3 yrs of praying and believing God would heal him of his severe brain injury from an allergy shot gone wrong. That was not to be and he was taken suddenly one afternoon.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to understand death when we are the ones left behind. My heart aches...as does yours. Thank you for writing these, as so steps of your journey seem to be similar to ours. All so different, yet all so same.
Chad,
ReplyDeleteOur head can go pretty close to our heart, but it may be better not to have them that close... because it is with our heart that we can conquer anything, that we can make a difference.
Beautiful post, and remember that things change for a reason, great people are always remembered and loved.
Just wanted to say hi. Don't really have anything profound or poignant today. (Of course who's to say anything else I've said thus far would qualify as such?) Glad you enjoyed your ride. =)
ReplyDeleteFrom A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser
ReplyDeleteI have come to realize that the greatest enemy we face is death itself, which claims everyone and everything. No miracle can ultimately save us from it. A miracle is therefore only a temporary solution. We really need more than a miracle — we need a resurrection to make life eternally new. We long for a life in which death is finally and ultimately defeated. …
It is easy to be skeptical about the reliability of the stories that tell of Jesus’ resurrection. They could be mere fabrications, dreamed up by his followers who respected and loved him so much that they did not want to let him go after he died. The resurrection could have been a convenient and creative way for them to keep him alive, though he really did die on the cross and never came to life again.
It was my own experience of tragedy and grief that gave me a different perspective on the resurrection accounts. My loss helped me to understand their loss. Loss leads to unrelenting pain, the kind of pain that forces us to acknowledge our mortal fate. It is possible, as we all know, to hold this terrible truth at bay for a while. Shock does that for us initially, which explains why people who lose a loved one or suffer some other kind of loss can be downcast one moment and euphoric the next, tearful one moment and giddy the next. But shock wears off over time. Then comes denial, bargaining, binges, and anger, which emerge and recede with various degrees of intensity. These methods of fighting pain may work for a time, but in the end they too, like shock, must yield to the greater power of death. Finally only deep sorrow and depression remain. The loss becomes what it really is, a reminder that death of some kind has conquered again. Death is always the victor.
But there is one notable exception. The followers of Jesus were devoted to him. They had sacrificed much to serve him. Suddenly their hero was gone. The account says that they became profoundly disillusioned by this turn of events and terrified that they, too, might die. So the disciples scattered like seeds in a gust of wind and hid from the Roman authorities…
Yet a few weeks later these followers of Jesus were proclaiming audaciously that Jesus was alive again — not as a resuscitated corpse, which would have only put off the inevitable, but as a resurrected being who would never die again. They even claimed that they had seen Jesus, talked to him, and touched him. They stated adamantly that Jesus had died, spent three days in a tomb, and then been resurrected. So sure were they of their experience that the apostles preached it everywhere, were martyred because they would not deny it, and lived with a joy, hope, and purpose that few in history have ever achieved. There is no record that any of them broke rank, disclaiming their story and admitting that they had invented it beause they did not want to accept Jesus’ death. …
Part 2
ReplyDeleteYet a few weeks later these followers of Jesus were proclaiming audaciously that Jesus was alive again — not as a resuscitated corpse, which would have only put off the inevitable, but as a resurrected being who would never die again. They even claimed that they had seen Jesus, talked to him, and touched him. They stated adamantly that Jesus had died, spent three days in a tomb, and then been resurrected. So sure were they of their experience that the apostles preached it everywhere, were martyred because they would not deny it, and lived with a joy, hope, and purpose that few in history have ever achieved. There is no record that any of them broke rank, disclaiming their story and admitting that they had invented it beause they did not want to accept Jesus’ death. …
Death does not have the final word; life does. Jesus’ death and resurrection made it possible. He now has the authority and desire to give life to those who want and need it. Though the experience of death is universal, the experience of a resurrection is not. What made the disciples so different from the rest of us who have experienced catastrophic loss is not the terrible experience of loss itself, but their experience of Jesus’ resurrection.
In his earthly ministry, Jesus performed signs and wonders as signs of God’s presence on earth. The deaf were made to hear, the blind to see, the lame to walk, and the dead to live again. But sooner or later those who had their hearing restored went deaf again — if not before death, then obviously in death. Those who were given sight went blind again, those who were made to walk went lame again, and those who were given life died again. Suffering and death won out in the end. In other words, Jesus’ miracles were not the ultimate reason for his coming. His great victory was not his miracles but his resurrection. The grave could not hold him, so perfect was his life, so perfectly sacrificial his death. Jesus conquered death and was raised by God to a life that would never die again. The Easter story tells us that the last chapter of the human story is not death but life. Jesus’ resurrection guarantees it. All tears of pain and sorrow will be swallowed up in everlasting life and pure, inextinguishable joy. …
I remind myself that suffering is not unique to us. It is the destiny of humanity. If this world were the only one there is, then suffering has the final say and all of us are a sorry lot. But generations of faithful Christians have gone before and will come after, and they have believed or will believe what I believe in the depths of my soul. Jesus is at the center of it all. He defeated sin and death through his crucifixion and resurrection. Then light gradually dawns once again in my heart, and hope returns. I find reason and courage to keep going and to continue believing. Once again my soul increases its capacity for hope as well as for sadness. I end up believing with greater depth and joy than I had before, even in my sorrow. [Sittser, A Grace Disguised]
I heard this song in church Sunday and it made me think of you. I think we can already see so much beauty from your pain.....so many people have begun to appreciate what they have, reconnected with God and their families. Your story and your faith have inspired so many people. Sara and Miranda were both born to do beautiful things for this world.
ReplyDeleteBeauty from Pain
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/superchick/beautyfrompain.html
Hello Chad,just checking in on you this afternoon to see how you are doing.I printed out some photos of you and your 2 beautiful girls.They are pinned up in my office, so you are not far from my daily thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYou bought me to tears when I read what you had written ..."I'm not single,I'm just alone"! I can`t imagine the sense of emptiness you feel.I just have to say that this life is sure hard to understand.A huge hug from Mexico