Monday, May 2, 2011

I dreamed a dream...

Dear Sara,

I dreamed about you last night. I know I've dreamed about you frequently since the accident, but this is the first dream I've had that was this vivid; so vivid that I've been thinking about it all day long, as I drove from Louisiana to Louisville, Kentucky.

I was at your apartment. I say "your" apartment because it was not "our" apartment. I didn't recognize it, it wasn't some place we, or you, had every lived, and yet it was full of your unfinished crafts and projects (and a cute little gray rabbit who hopped around the range.) I was asking you about why we couldn't be together, why you couldn't come home. You were sad, not because we weren't together anymore, but because you couldn't find a way to help me understand why we couldn't be together. You were happy when we were together, but you were even more happy now. You kept trying to assure me that it was going to be OK, that given time I would be happy again, just not with you. I woke up with a broken (re-broken) heart and I've been fighting it all day.

I think this is probably the result of my heart and my head trying to close the gap between what I rationally know is true, that you won't be back, and what my heart wants to be true, that this is all just a bad dream from which I can still wake up.

As I said, I've been driving all day. When I left Louisiana this morning, my heart was full of expectation, I'm heading home! Over the course of the day, it began to dawn on me that this isn't like the trips I've taken before. Going home used to mean you were there, waiting at the door, ready for a big hug and a kiss. Going home doesn't seem as exciting now.

We're quickly coming up on the 25% milestone. Nearly 1/4 of a year gone since you left. It seems too fast, it doesn't feel right to watch you and Miranda slip this quickly into my "past." My head keeps urging me to move forward, to climb that hill, take those steps; my heart keeps dropping anchor.

I love you. I miss you. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.



  1. I'm a firm believer in "visits" from our loved ones who have crossed over. Maybe she felt it was time to visit you and let you know, coming from her, that things would be ok and that she is ok. I haven't had many dreams of family and friends who have crossed over, maybe I'm not opend minded enough... But the three people I have dreamt about were oh so real! Especially the last one. I know that in my heart of hearts that my dear friend came to me in my dream.

  2. Chad,
    The healing process has begun and you are moving forward. We can hold you in our prayers and good will or we can hold you in our wanting you to need us, we humans tend to want to be needed. I read this this morning and thought to myself, the up side of fear is faith, and you seem to be choosing a path with healthy avenues. To grieve is human, to allow it to consume you is unhea;thy. Your dreams may have been the sight you see as when you have to let go, to allow God to do his will. None of us has the answers to Thy Will but we listen and watch and God reveals his ways to us.
    Continue to travel and come to grips with the past, with your beautiful Sara who will always be with you, and that precious baby Miranda who will be part of you forever. Walk towards God my friend, he will comfort, nuture your soul and guide you.
    Be well, be safe.

  3. A lot more dreams will come... some with the person we love and some of other things to come...
    Some people say that the most important thing to be happy is found inside you, I think it can be interpreted in many ways...
    Closing the gap is always good and most of the times very hard. Taking time for you always helps; actually... time is all you need and the rest will come naturally...

  4. Dear Chad,

    So many times I've wanted to write, and so many times I've not been able to. I suppose I have let myself feel guilty in a way because I cannot even fathom your grief. I realize, however, this is no excuse, and please know that I am deeply sorry that I have not expressed my heartfelt wishes for you and that I have not told you that I am praying for you before now.

    I have followed your story since I first heard of it (though not as often as I think to), praying for a miracle from day one, wanting more than you can imagine for your little girl to make it. My heart broke when she went to be with her mother in Heaven, and I can tell you that I (along with many others) struggled with being angry for you, though I knew I had no right to be. It is something that faded quickly after I saw the grace that God has given to you. I felt that anger slip away, left with only the reminder to grieve with you and pray for you.

    I pray for a new miracle now. I pray for healing for you that only God can give. I may not always read this blog right away after you post, but you are nearly always in my thoughts and prayers. He gives peace that we cannot even fathom if we are open to it, as I know you already know and have experienced. May God continue to give you the daily strength you need and more, and may (one day) you be able to look back and smile at the memories of your dear, sweet wife and daughter more than you cry.

    In reading your latest blog, the Lord brought to mind a book I have read called "The Shack" by William P. Young. The main character in it is a grieving father. I am not sure why God brought it to mind, but it may be that it could help you in some small way. No matter the why, I know I was supposed to tell you about it, and (if you do read it), I hope it is a blessing and a help to you.

    Again, you are in my prayers. May God bless you and continue to help you through this.

    In Christian Love,

  5. Dear Chad, I have written before and continue to pray for you. I myself am on a journey and have found this blog most helpful. I haven't lost anyone in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense, it's a long story. Anyway, you have given me some sort of peace and hope for my future. I just thought that you should know. I pray for your safe return home.

    God bless you Chad

  6. I just found your blog again. I live in Lansing and I remember hearing about the accident. I followed the news closely. I cried and am crying now. Keep your chin up. ~Hugs~

  7. Praying that as you come home from your trip, the Lord will comfort your heart and remind you of His power, love, and plan. Blessings on your week. May you smile at the small things.

  8. I once heard that dreams are a way for people from heaven to talk to us in this world. I think sara was talking to you and trying to make you feel better. After I lost my baby son a few months later I had a dream that my great grandfather was watching him and rocking him and he told me he would be alright. That he was being watched after and one day I would be able to see him again. I woke up with some peace. I truly believe dreams are a wonderful thing (when they are good).


Thank you for reading my blog. Comments must be approved before they are posted. I try to approve comments several times throughout the day.