I'm sitting here tonight, realizing it's been 8 months, to the day, since family and friends gathered together and said, "Good bye." Grief today is not nearly as potent as it was back then. Today it comes in small waves, memories lapping at the shore of my consciousness. I think about you and Miranda a lot, but no longer all day every day. I find that I don't cry as often as I used to; but, when I do, the hurt feels so fresh and powerful that it seems like I lost you yesterday.
I listen to music on the radio now, more so than I ever did when you were here. There are songs that reach out and touch me in ways that music never used to; a simple phrase from a song, a chorus repeated softly, inspired words written for others but sung directly to my heat. These tend to be the moments when those waves come crashing in. I don't fight them. Even though it hurts, it feels good to remember, to know that you're no farther away than my thoughts.
I have a playlist I recently created in iTunes called Crying Songs. I was listening to several this evening and wished that I could have sung this verse to you in those final seconds we had together. I don't know if you would have heard me or not, but it's what I wish I could have said if I'd known how bad things were.
"And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!"
Untitled Hymn - Chris Rice
Fly to Jesus, my angles!
I love you. I miss you. Give Miranda a kiss from daddy.
Love,
Chad
Chad--
ReplyDeleteStill thinking of and praying for you everyday. Those final words are precious and brought tears to my eyes. Glad that slowly the days are getting better.
Thank you for continuing to update your blog. I still pray for you, Sara, and Miranda daily. The tattoo is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI have not been on to read as much as I would like. I am glad to see you still writing your blog. I hope it helps with your feeling and emotions. I got a tattoo back in March for a friend who passed away and it is also a bit of a tribute to the special people in my life. I love the way yours turned out and think it is a wonderful tribute to your angels. You have and will continue to be in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteLove that song, so very touching. Love your tattoo too! Thank you for continuing to update your blog. I look forward to reading about your future and the happiness that I know will come your way. I can't imagine the heartache you feel, but I do have an idea as I've had to deal with losses as well. Time does heal and so does God's love. I can see that reading your blog. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI was just checking in and glad that you're still writing. That tattoo is amazing. May the precious memories stay forever in your heart. Take care. I think and pray for you often. I have a picture of you, Sara and Miranda in my kitchen. God bless you Chad. x
ReplyDeleteI love that song too, and your new tattoo is a beautiful tribute to honor the love you have for your wife and your daughter. Another song crying song you may have heard is by Steven Curtis Chapman, called "Heaven is the Face". Also, "Welcome Home" by Michael W. Smith. Sending prayers. Thank you for sharing your journey.
ReplyDeletebless you.
ReplyDeleteI love your new tatt! Such a great memorial. I mostly lurk on your blog to see how you are doing since that fatal day of the crash when I heard it on the news and saw the facebook prayer chain for your daughter. God Bless you. I can't even imagine.
ReplyDeleteDear Chad I think your tattoo is lovely.You continue to amaze me with your blog. I always end up wiping away a tear or two.I think about you so much and I hope the memories of your two beautiful girls keep you going.God bless and keep you x
ReplyDeleteChad~
ReplyDeleteMusic,{crying songs} are indeed powerful...may the music help to heal your boken heart. Prayers for you still... ♥